Want a baby
on Dec 29 2014 at 21:53
My bf is 16 years younger than me. We've been together 2-1/2 years. We talk about things we want to do together in the future but he is very scared. His last relationship was for 4 years and with someone even older than me. He originally moved in with her because she got pregnant. She ended up having a miscarriage and then 2 more over the course of the time they were together. The last time she got pregnant she carried all the way to the end, however he had ended the relationship only a couple months into the pregnancy. He doesn't see his child often because she lives out of state and is very controlling. When she comes around she doesn't really give much notice and won't allow me around. The one time he went to see the baby he had to stay at her place for a week, it was the only way she would allow him to see him. I'm obviously not okay with this.
I got pregnant earlier this year (unplanned) and I didn't keep it. He freaked out and said I was doing the same thing to him that she did and that he wasn't ready. I felt the only way to prove to him that I respect how he feels and to prove that I am not her was to not keep it. It's been almost 5 months and it haunts me every day. I wake up thinking that I'm pregnant still and dream about taking care of "our baby". I am jealous that he has a child with someone else that I can not be around. He is very sensitive and gets defensive when I try to talk about this situation. Instead of just considering my feelings he thinks about how me hurting is making him feel. I feel like he needs to be pushed into things because he is so afraid of change and the unknown. I feel like he didn't want to keep the baby out of fear not because he doesn't love me. I want to get pregnant again before it's too late and I can't have kids. Nothing in his life is planned or has been but I feel guilty just getting pregnant on purpose without telling him. If he lived closer to his son, who I know he didn't want and has told me that he hates the mom, he would see him and spend more time with him. What do I do. My clock is ticking :/
on Dec 30 2014 at 00:48
If you want a child - with a devoted, ready, and mature man - then go out there and find one, because THIS guy is not the one.
You don't list one redeeming quality of this guy - only that's he's scared, freaks out, defensive, and can't seem to get a life plan.
Move on and find a man you can count on. Right now, you are using him as a baby machine.
on Dec 30 2014 at 02:21
I wonder if you are sort of in competition with the ex girlfriend. Maybe you think if you have a baby, it will make you as appealing to him as the ex-girlfriend is. Jealously is a tragic reason to bring a new life into this world.
on Dec 30 2014 at 22:54
Thank both of you for your responses. You both are making valid points based on the information I gave. Unfortunately I'm not giving all information because it just seems like a lot to write. First off, I definitely don't just want a baby. I have two children already and if I was still in my last relationship I would not want a baby at all. I am deeply in love with this man and to me having his child and giving him a child is a blessing and a gift. It joins us and makes us a true family. Family is MAJOR to him. His fears stem through the trials and tragedies he has had to face in the last few years. He moved out of state away from his family and while gone his mother fell ill. Her and his step father passed away last year, they were in their 40's. His grandparents are not doing well and he has a 19 year old sister he is trying to keep on a good road. He is a hard worker and very caring and sensitive. He is also a great mentor to my son. We do have plans as far as careers go. When I talked to my daughter about this, who is 20, she described as the type that needs to be put into situations to accept them.
I don't know if any of this makes a difference.
on Dec 30 2014 at 23:07
He has told you that he isn't ready, so why do you think that having his baby will make the relationship "whole" and you will be a "true family."? You are deluding yourself.
He's holding back something. Any man who "has" to stay at his exes in order to see his child is either pulling something over on you or he is very ignorant of child visitation laws.
on Dec 31 2014 at 00:22
He's only been to visit once because of her rules and it was a year and a half ago. She won't put him on the birth certificate so he has to follow the rules. CUSTODY AND PARENTING TIME WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT MARRIED
Parents are free to make decisions about custody or parenting time on their own. When parents are unmarried and no order has been entered to establish parental rights, the biological father has no legal right to either custody or parenting time until paternity is established. He also has no legal obligation to pay child support to the mother until an order of paternity is entered. In Arizona, paternity can be legally established through the Superior Court, the Department of Health Services or the Department of Economic Security (see the Supreme Court booklet in this series titled Things You Should Know About Establishing Paternity for Your Child).
This is what he is dealing with. This is part of the reason he is "scared" to make more commitments. I know I sound like I am making excuses for things but these are legit reasons.
on Dec 31 2014 at 04:01
You don't just sound like you are making excuses, you ARE making excuses. For everyone's sake, please find a way to get your head out of the sand.