My husband wants a divorce & I'm heartbroken
My husband and I have been married 9 years, and have been together for a total of 15 years. We have 2 boys, ages 8 and 9. My husband is 35 and I'm 34. Our marriage has been rocky for a while, especially over the past 8 months. My husband basically is giving up on our marriage. For the past 4 months, he has consistently been telling me "its over." He tells me he does not love me anymore. He has completely shut down from me, he has refused to wear his wedding ring for 4 months now, and he refuses to go to marriage consoling. He completely ignores me, and avoids me any chance he can get. He refuses to share a bedroom with me. He sleeps downstairs in our basement and has done so for over a year. Basically he has completely shut down emotionally from me. For the past 3 weeks, he has been refusing to have sex with me...which he has never done before. Oh..and he did not get me a Christmas gift at all. FYI: I know for sure he is NOT having an affair. But I do know he is very resentful towards me.
Our marriage downfall began several years ago. I myself was an alcoholic for several years, which negatively affected our marriage in many ways. Seven months ago my husband threatened divorce if I did not go to rehab. So without hesitation, I went to rehab in June 2014 for a total of 45 days, and I have remained sober ever since then. I am now recovered.. I do not drink at all, and haven't for 7 months. I myself falsely assumed that by me going to rehab and not drinking anymore that our marriage would be "cured." I thought that my husband would forgive me and would start loving me again. Boy was I wrong! My husband has remained extremely negative & resentful towards me...he keeps bringing up my "drunk" years, and acts very angry, cold, and to me. I've apologized in every way I can think of, but obviously he hasn't forgiven me. A few weeks ago my husband called a lawyer, and all he keeps telling me is that "its going to be over real soon."
I am totally broken hearted, crushed, very depressed, and totally lost on what to do. My mood is all over the place. One minute I will be crying begging for him not to leave me,the next I'm angry & calling him names(because I am hurt that he doesn't love me & wants out). And so of coarse my husband is nothing but frustrated with my mood swings. Basically I'm just a total mess. I love my husband with all my heart, and do not want him to leave me. I do not want a divorce, and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to save our marriage. But what do I do to save our marriage?
**Please...anyone that can give me advice on how to get my husband to change his mind, let me know! I need all the help I can get as quick as possible! Please help save our marriage!!***
Oh my your self esteem needs a fixin! I understand that you love him, I too left someone I loved because the relationship was toxic. Some times people move in different directions and have been through too many ugly things to recover. You need to take a deep breathe, throw in some Areatha and find your strength. You deserve to be loved and happy.... why settle? Life is too short. That was my mom's favorite saying...and its true. A year from now none of this will matter. You have 2 great reasons to be happy... focus on those who are focused on you...your boys. The rest will come. My mom left when I was 11 and my memory is the house became peaceful...no more fighting...2 christmas's 2 birthdays... some things were worse but just as many were better. Please trust what every other person that has been through it will tell you....you will love someone else just as much - and feel the same happiness you had with him. If it is meant to be maybe you will be together in a year or three years. If you are determined to try...remember every man wants what he can't have....move on...find the person you were before him...let destiny take it's course....and maybe you will find that only your ego wants him...good looking guys come a dime a dozen!
(please note ahead of time I AM NOT JUDGING YOU we all have our challenges be they in the past, present or future.)
Ok, so basically what you need to know is anger is the emotion that covers fear. Obviously from what you’re saying he has some serious anger issues towards you. So in other words, he is terrified of you emotionally.
You stated you were an alcoholic for several years and that it negatively affected your relationship. Well during that time he must have seriously gone through something pretty harsh internally (emotionally) we can only speculate until he admits it. When someone refuses to go to counseling its because they usually claim it wont work right, well in reality be it conscious or unconscious if the right connection to the right counselor even friend is made. The problem will be discovered. The problem being his fear that he is suppressing. I could surmise it has to do with your past drinking challenges, but I obviously don’t know the entire situation.
His anger is all around you as stated and when we have anger towards something or someone, its because there is a barrier blocking our progress and we don’t know what to do. So just like any creature that feels threatened. The human mind believe it or not recoils. A better example is touching a burning stove.
The fact: the stove is hot>>>The problem: the heat is burning skin>>>The solution: stop touching the hot stove.
The fact: your husband has had to endure living with an alcoholic for several years>>>The problem: it created chaos within possibly, it created fear, uncertainty, especially for the kids. Now despite whatever you do to prove yourself he cannot see past his fear and all that that entails>>>The solution: is that he needs to overcome his fear and mistrust and return to the whys and understanding as well as and most importantly, remember its not all about him anymore when you have kids. Returning to running on a logical way of thinking instead of emotional impulses.
You said he has basically shut down emotionally from you. Actually its quite the opposite. For someone who has so much anger towards another, means that they have a ton of internal emotions raging. If he truly had shut down emotionally from you. He would simply not care. He wouldn’t be angry, he wouldn’t be pleased by you, he wouldn’t enjoy your company. He would treat you in effect like a stranger and it would also effect his outside life because you can’t just disconnect from people without mental repercussions (like a nervous breakdown) unless your hit by amnesia.
Also, you know when you “put the blame” on someone else. The common hand motion is pointing the index finger. In order to do that 3 fingers must point back at you. Now believe it or not. There’s an 80-90% chance that something is weighing heavily on his mind that is about himself and not you. If I were you, I’d try to find out what that is to give you better insight.
Unfortunate as it is to admit, overall this is a “him” issue. He has to want to change, he has to see that marriage is not about any one individual. We have free will and nobody can truly force our choices. But we can manipulate others, manipulation sounds and is commonly attached to a negative. However, there is such thing as positive manipulation. Manipulation only means “to adapt or change through skillful influence.” A perfect example of manipulation was how you went to rehab. You didn’t have to go you used your will to choose. Effects aside the results are what they are.
There are other things I’m seeing however I think I noted the most important with the last observation being this. [Your kids and you.] You stated this marriage downfall began “several years ago.” The biggest thing that both of you are seriously effecting in a terrible way. Is your children. Parents never realize just how much they effect their children. They may think they do. They may watch their children like hawks. But the mind of a youth sees things that nobody can really see. They don’t understand things like adults do. We forget our years as children because we get so caught up in the moment that we forget the very legacy we are sculpting beside us in 1-4ft high increments.
****If you have actually read this far, I’m going to share something with you, I dislike sharing personal stuff but I feel it is important to do so. The entire point of what I am about to share is not for pity or anything, but so that maybe you can take something out of it. Maybe you have similar experiences that you have forgotten I hope it sparks something.****
I’m 23yrs old, I am now in a financial situation where my mother has given me control of her via power of attorney over all her finances along everything that entails. I'm not married, never have been, don't have kids but I'm just trying to get through life on my own. Her situation is, she’s now jobless, bankrupt and suicidal. Surprisingly this isn’t new. I’ve had to take over at random points throughout my life most notably at age 8 when I was the one cooking dinner and tucking her into bed because she placed us in dire straits again. My Dad lives with his other family. He has been a gracious father by supporting when he can. But I have zero emotional connection to him. Matter of fact I am nearly unable to establish an “emotional connection” to anyone. And I remember exactly when it started. I don’t blame them nor do I have any anger towards them. But these are simply facts, I am in large part (not all) the culmination of negligence and poor examples in my life. A large portion of the rest of who I am is because of what I learned in all the time I spent traveling far away from home.
I don’t know what your kids are like but if you for sure want to avoid the POSSIBILITY/RISK of having them grow up to despise either of you. And if your lucky have them realize a few things first about life then come to forgive you after having a long internal war of whether to put themselves out of their own misery after having traveled between countries and realizing a few things. Both of you may want to sincerely kiss and make up for there sake if nothing else.
Thank you so much for your feedback...I appreciate it more than you will ever know.
When you were in Rehab, was there family/spouse meetings also? It really sounds like he has unresolved issues from the past - and also with the "new and different" you. Did he get a chance to participate in your rehab sessions?
HE is in recovery right now, too. It sounds like there has been no follow-up counseling after you stopped drinking for him and the kids.
You say you have "mood swings." Maybe things are no better now than they were when you were drinking. Are you going to AA? You must know about "dry drunk" behavior; perhaps he's confused about the recovery process.
Family and marriage counseling is in order. Why is he so adamant about not going to marriage counseling? The ring and the basement sleeping arrangement seem severe.