I'm losing this girl
This is my first post and a long post. I don't know if this is the correct category.
I'm 23 and I feel I've faced the worst times one can face. All aside, I found this girl with whom I shared my past. She was happy being my friend, more than a friend. We are very close to each other. Its been a month now.
She has a boyfriend and he lives abroad. I don't know how but she started caring for me more. So much so that I fell for her and I couldn't live without her. She had this feel that I had a bad past and she needed to be with me. We work for the same organization. When we started talking, she was moved to a different shift and that's it. I missed her like anything. She didn't have anyone to talk in the new shift, I helped her make new friends as I've been in the organization for long enough. I go to pick her up after my logout. I go out with her. I make time to spend with her. Here comes the actual problem.
There is this guy, best friend of mine at work. He was in the same shift. He is kind of a playboy always looking for a girl although he is in a serious relationship. He is handsome, tall and stuff. I introduced her to him. Gradually they grew familiar with each other. She always talks about him near me, saying he is tall, she has fantasies towards him and stuff. I ignored at the start as she was lonely. But it just grew on me. She started making me jealous. We fought for some days on this issue. But all went well.
She always denied the fact that she is liking him more than she does me. But its evident from her deeds. One night I took her from office and we went for a drive, she was so close to me all the time, hugged me, cuddled me. We never kissed. She showed some special interest towards me. My love was never materialistic. It was all about care and time, that I never had for anyone.
It started at a party where I didn't consume much alcohol, she did. I don't know why but she got a little high. She is an awesome dancer and I'm dumb when it comes to dance. Many times she said she would teach me as I love dancing. But that night, she herself went to him and started dancing and they kept dancing. I was helpless as I was so dumb at it. It looked like they did it on purpose but I cannot comment. I was all sad that night. But when it came to an end, I had to drop her home and she was drunk, almost like an illusion for her. She was in my car, I was worried. She was with me for about 3 hours, very close to me. I never did anything wrong to her, just took care of her. She liked it in the end. She said she was lucky to be with me.
This Christmas he gifted her boots and chocolates. She was very happy with that. I suggested him to gift her boots and stuff because she is so much into these stuff. I was so happy to see her excited. But eventually she comes and says she wants to kiss him for these gifts. I always wonder why she has become so materialistic. The care and love I showed to her never inclined her to me. When it is for the gifts, she felt so special.
But now she again starts to talk about him near me. She knows I like her (I told her already, but she said she has a boyfriend). When she is not into me, why is she so close to me. What should I do to get over this insecurity and possessiveness. My shift starts at 6AM. I wake up at 2AM every day just to talk to her for that 30mins. I never sleep. I'm kind of ruining my career. I don't know what to do. My inability to do things are growing on me and making me restless. Being far away is the most difficult thing.
Every morning is a new beginning and every night is a disaster. Please help !!!!! I just can't be without her. I wonder how I'd live when her boyfriend comes back.
This girl has you in her "friend zone" and you are playing the part loyally. (You even suggest to her "crush" what gifts he should give to her? She tells you all her intimate feelings? You take care of her when she is drunk?)
She is cheating on her boyfriend by flirting with this other guy and accepting gifts from him. She is using you as a caretaker, to pass the time, and get attention in a non-commital way.
Yes, when the REAL BF comes home, both you and this other guy are going to be tossed aside.
You sound like a nice fella. Find a single, available girl who can give you 100% of her time and attention. You are being used by this girl. You really deserve better!
Thank you for responding. I know she is putting me in that friend zone but I dare not think bad about her as she was the one who took care of me like noone else. She has this side of cuteness on her which makes her like this. And this guy is handsome. More than me.
She was with me. I went out with her midnight for a drive and she was holding me all the time. Friend zone and this doesn't seem t match. I don't know why she is doing this to me. I'm so much into her that I've now turned possessive. Though I'm not looking for her in the long run, I do care for her. I know how this guys mind works so I don't want to take a risk of leaving her to his company. I feel so insecure. Its new years and I don't want to do anything silly but its always happening.
We fight a lot but we are together in the matter of time and that feels good for me. I really wish I could get out of this forever.
Just because you 'dare not' think badly of her, doesn't mean she's not choosing to behave continually badly where being thought of a "bad'un" is warranted. It just means you don't want to face reality including the summing-up reflection of it by Susie.
1. She's got a boyfriend.
2. She's not stupid, she's perfectly aware that your feelings for her run deeper than friendship and that you're hoping the acquaintanceship will at some point become elevated and yet instead of putting you out of your misery by saying 'I have a boyfriend' AND ACTING LIKE IT she's deliberately, constantly, giving you mixed messages - for the simple reason that she likes the attention you give her and knowing that you moon over her all the time (and will crank that up any time you feel jealous). Not ONLY mixed messages but GOADING aka mental pr*ck teasing (or LITERALLY given that she keeps getting cuddly with you).
3. Your male "friend"/colleague is her counterpart. He too has a girlfriend. He's no friend of yours. And neither is she. And neither are they even mere friends to their respective lovers!
These two Likes are basically using you as ego-pumping fodder. She gets a buzz from knowing she's constantly stoking and provoking lust in two passive-aggressively competitor men. He gets a buzz from getting to see proof that he's "better" than you and that she at times seems to agree (whereas you want her to signal YOU'RE better). And both of them no doubt feel more powerful than their poor respective lovers through having what they see as back-up options waiting eagerly in the wings should they ever get rejected by said unknowing victims.
Where's your human solidarity? I mean - how do you think that poor boyfriend and girlfriend would feel if they knew what was going on behind their backs the whole time? And you think these two colleagues are NICE PEOPLE? Are you having a laugh?
"UGH. Pass the puke bucket!" Basically. And you're in-love with "this" just because the surface-most layers with which you do the superficial interactions seem okay or are fun and challenging? Their deeper-down layers are ROTTEN. Why can you not see that? Is that behaviour something you yourself would be capable of ergo not something that is striking you through contrast to yourself as utterly shoddy? Or is shoddy perfect for the job of a couple of hair shirts on legs?
It would seem so. Because as Susie pointed out, you're actually DIRECTLY HELPING them to torture you each time! So, yep - hair shirts. You're using them - to maltreat you - as much as they're using you (just different reasons). So you need a course of counselling to get this self-hatred or -anger out of you. Or maybe it's merely a deliberate attempt to distract yourself from getting on with doing whatever's on your To Do list. Or maybe you're like a frontline war veteran who can't settle down in Civvy Street because he got addicted to constant difficulty and trauma, meaning peace-time is BORING. Who knows. But certainly any good face-to-face counsellor would get to the bottom of it and be capable of putting your mind straighter and onto a healthier track before you do yourself even MORE damage.
Thanks for the reply. This is kind of an eye opener for me. The very fact that their partners would feel terrible about this makes me feel guilty. However, I want to make something clear over here. Whatever the attraction is, its more from my side than hers. There was never a situation where she behaved in a way her boyfriend would feel bad about. Over the past few days I've accepted the fact that she has a boyfriend and she will leave me one day eventually.
I understand the fact that it would be very bad if I was in one of the partners shoes. You mentioned two kinds of me here and I agree I'm the latter kind. I was depressed all the time and she showed me some light. Maybe I'm in a perception that she would be mine one day (I know this contradicts my statement above). The very fact that someone was so nice to me made me inclined towards her. No offense meant. Your thoughts were correct. I'm not defending myself or her. But if I was in her boyfriends place I would have made sure that she doesn't need someone else. Her now boyfriend just ignores her.
I don't need a counsellor now because I've already been to one in the past when my life situations were even more worse. I know how it feels to be with one. I will now make a sincere effort to forget her. You've been very halpful.