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Advice unsupportive husband, just had second child..

LEEMA
- Dec 31 2014 at 07:11
Member since: 31 December 2014
Relationship advice Long story and history of arguing etc:

my husband is on sick leave and leave from work supposedly supporting me after a c section on the fri 19/12: please note he has been mean and nasty to me prior to and after the birth, he has also read the pamphlet about no lifting stretching etc and has had numerous people trying to explain to him ( we also have a daughter 2yrs .4months weighing nearly 18kg in nappies) ; he also will not comprehend or allow for hormones and is unable to offer any compassion or comfort when I am upset I mean pretty much hysterical and still nothing , at present I am struggling to breast feed and suffering with fatigue , but who has the nap him he does not even get up to the baby!! Anyhow the next day sat after the surgery he stayed out whilst I was in Hospital till 2:45am

Then again left the Hospital Monday pm till 7:30 drinking on both occasions , we left the hospital tues and argued the whole way home he reckons I had nurses to look after me and I am selfish.

The following Monday he left the house nothing to say after arguments for days and days and did not say how long etc he said I put myself before our children lets just say that was only one of the nasty comments made!

Wed today and he has gone out plan a two day Coast trip for next week with mates again drinking will be involved, he also wanted to go out yesterday drinking but some friends of mine called to say they are coming to visit, I think to keep up appearances he stayed home, however did mention this several times!

I have not had a night out without him besides four hours one night when he looked after our daughter in 3.5yrs. He thinks he is so hard done by because I am not impressed about him leaving me on my own atm.

What do you think and what should I do:?

Advice unsupportive husband, just had second child..

UNNAMED
- Dec 31 2014 at 08:26
Member since: 01 June 2014
Ok, im alil tired but I wanna see if I can offer some perspective. First I’m just disgusted by the behavior you are having to deal with, its shameful. My question would be you stated that he was nasty and mean prior to the birth do you know what started it? Also you stated you had a long history of arguing. Was he usually the aggressor?

Advice unsupportive husband, just had second child..

SOULMATE (moderator)
- Dec 31 2014 at 14:57
Member since: 19 August 2014
"UGH!"

If he were my husband he'd be rigor mortised on the floor by now. But then, I haven't ever had the ability to stand up for myself eroded out of me. Plenty have tried, though, ohh, yes. And failed instantly.

I'm not surprised you become hysterical. And you're not *married* to those nurses, are you. Also, he's put you in a situation where you NEED to put yourself before your babies: "OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST": If you don't get yours on you'll conk out for sure, meaning so will they, guaranteed.

In a nutshell, he's now kicking you even harder now that you're down like never before.

I don't know WHAT you'd call that but it's certainly not a marriage, is it.

Why you've never left him and - worse - went ahead and had another baby with him is a bleedin' mystery!

...Although, as abovementioned, it's not:

He's severely abusive. He lacks empathy and compassion but unlike an Aspergic who'll CARE that he doesn't understand, this guy KNOWS he doesn't care despite understands he should, which I can tell (from all you've described) by the ways in which he DEALS. Weapons of choice in order of priority: Neglect; passive-aggressive Isolating; Gaslighting/reality-twisting; and wearing a false public veneer (so that if you complain and try to gain strength to leave via moral support, everyone presumes you're the crazy one because as far as they've seen he's such a nice, perfectly benign guy). The latter two in extremis are classic symptoms of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered by the way, the public veneer belonging to a "secret/closet" type. And running away from problems and arguments *he's* created even aside from the rest is just downright immature and stone-cold as well as is a very under-the-table threat-in-demonstration of abandonment in proportion to your degree of self-championing, fashioned to gag you in future (which comes under The Silent Treatment which itself comes under Walking On Eggshells aka controlled by induced fears).

Put it simpler: you or I or Keekay - etcetera - wouldn't DREAM of treating even our WORST ENEMY that coldly heinously if they were in your circumstance, would we.

People who are stressed (in DefCon, I call it) to a certain high degree and acting-out, whether chronically to a critical degree or via acute trauma, can, however, basically enter the mindset and display the according behaviours of a personality disordered. Saying that, this is not your first baby/culture shock, is it, so I think we can safely eliminate that one from the enquiry. So back to abusiveness...

******************

"Gaslighting:

There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn't want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.

"Withholding" is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:

"I'm not listening to that crap again tonight."

"You're just trying to confuse me."

"Blocking" and "diverting" are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:

"I'm not going through that again."

"Where did you get a crazy idea like that?"

"Quit bitching."

"You're hurting me on purpose."

Trivializing" is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren't important, such as:

"You're going to let something like that come between us?"

******************

Narcissists also have a hugely overblown sense of entitlement and will just 'sit there' expecting to receive whilst they do ugger all (- "check!").

******************

SOLUTION / OXYGEN MASK:

You first and foremost need to disempower him by emotionally disconnecting, because your emotions are his control tools. Watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io15t9V5bXc

In other words, do something like pretend you're a psychiatrist and he your patient in order to start watching and noting his behaviour with a coolly objective eye, incapable of taking any of it personally. Stop thinking 'How could he DOOO this to meee?' and instead, to every shoddy thing he says and does think this: 'What a twat, what an emotional cripple'.

Once you do this you'll REALLY appreciate just how toxic this relationship is and start divorce proceedings. And then you'll realise you've NOT "entered" single parenthood because you already were ("doh!"), the only differences now being huge advantages, namely

[1] without expectation of receiving help and assistance you'll rely on yourself and NOT feel constantly let down... plus you will suddenly have BAGS of energy (little wonder!) and become highly capable and gung-ho on your own;

[2] you'll automatically, instinctively, attract similar friends and other sources of help (e.g. mutual babysitting) as fill his (illusionary) gap - because we don't "make" friends, friendships happen automatically when need spots/meets need;

[3] your babies do *not* suffer from a loss of an in-situ father-figure like you fear, but face a far brighter future courtesy of no longer sponging up bad role-modelling as would have set them up for ("monkey see-monkey do") similar misery in their own romantic (and wider) lives, meaning they either become an abuser (him) or a victim (you);

[4] you'll be financially BETTER off; And the piece de resistance...

[5] your mind thus vibes will 'send out' signals that will attract an automatic lover upgrade, one who validates and helps you with day-to-day life rather than constantly impedes you and adds to your workload both practical and emotional/mental.

In other words, dare to one, two, three, JUMP!, and the only way is Up.

I think you can do it. I don't think you have low self-esteem because that up there was a rant at the injustices along the lines of what I call, 'I AIN'T 'AVIN' IT!!!' (good for you). But I do think [1] you're constrained by false fears and [2] are too easily engaged, emotionally, hence the above advice about how not to rise to the bait or sidestep his insults.

For now, you have a golden opportunity via his impending coastal trip (let's hope he drowns, eh!) to have a free chat with a divorce solicitor - preferably a female who understands insidious abuse - to find out just how much better off you'll be if you start proceedings.

VERY best of luck and keep us posted.

PS: Where's your mum and dad in all this?

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