Friends mom is not trusting

Posted by
SHY1229
on Jan 2 2015 at 04:55
Member since: 04 October 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Me and my friend met 2 years ago and we became very close. Unfortunately, we live in different states :( with every day that passed we have gotten closer and closer to the point where we developed feelings for each other but we agreed not to date until we'receive closer together. Through those times we've learned a lot about each other, including the fact that his mom does not want him talking or texting any girl whatsoever (he's never dated anyone before). He's told me that she's always been that way and she even tells him that he's a worthless son, but he's the complete opposite of worthless. So we tried to keep the fact that we were talking to each other a secret from everyone. But, a year ago his mom found out he was texting me and she took his phone away for a week, within that week I was completely worried because I didn't know what was going on. After the week went by and he got his phone back, he told me that his mom never wants him to speak to me again and I asked him if it was alright to text at that moment and he said that he's going good to hide the fact that we are texting, so instead we messaged each other on Facebook. Unfortunately that didn't last long because his mom found out and took his phone away and messaged me herself telling me to leave him alone and that he has no business texting me. I talked to her for a while and finally got her to accept me, the only condition was that I was the only girl he could text and that he will not be on his phone the whole time. We both agreed to the terms. But, within a month his phone wouldn't work properly so we went through like a month without talking. In that month his mom asked him if we were still talking and he answered (I disagree with what he did) that we weren't anymore and she was happy that we weren't. When we talked again I asked him why he said that and he said it was to keep me away from his parents and protect me from his mom's downgrading and that once he's in the marines he's going to completely cut ties with his mom anyway because she keeps controlling his life, I didn't really say much after that. We continued talking normally for months but occasionally his mom would bring him down with her words and even told her friend of him being a worthless and disrespectful son. 3 months ago his mom strikes again, she discovered the Verizon Family Base, which allows her to see the people he texts and how much he texts them and view his apps, as long as he has the app on his phone, she made him download it. She found out about me again and how much we'very texted each other, but she doesn't remember who I am. For 2 months I didn't know what happened and I was worried again, I didn't know that she was doing that so I constantly texted him. On Christmas day, he sent me a message that said "I'm so sorry for this :(. For now I can only send this one message. If you look up something called Verizon Family Base, it'll explain everything. My mom made me download it, and found out a lot about you and I. Hopefully I can fix this soon, but it's been so long, and I'm sorry. She told me I can't text you, plus she checks all my apps through the family base, so I can't really use snapchat much or anything. If I can get things fixed I'll text you again soon :) Merry Christmas :)" I felt bad for texting him so much and probably got him in more trouble... the next day he sent me a snapchat and i asked him if it was alright to and he said maybe and that she probably can't check who he snapchat so we did that for 5 days and everything was fine, but now I haven't heard anything from him and I'm afraid to send anything because I don't want to get him in trouble anymore. I want to help in some way but I'm not sure how. Any advice?
Reply from
SHY1229
on Jan 2 2015 at 05:19
Member since: 04 October 2014
I almost forgot to mention that around 4 months ago he came home from work one night and all of a sudden his mom began yelling at him telling him that he never does anything with his life, even though he works and is in college and is involved in sports, and she basically kicked him out of the house for the night and told him not to speak to her until he fixes himself. He didn't say a word to her the entire time she told him that. I'm not sure what happened because the next day he didn't talk to me but the day after that he texted me saying everything was fixed. Not sure if this information will somehow help but I hope it does.
Reply from
UNNAMED
on Jan 2 2015 at 06:40
Member since: 01 June 2014
…Wellll the good thing is the Marines won’t allow mommy to come to his rescue. Bad thing is they won’t allow cell phones unless it comes with a loaded gun and they issued it to him in the first place. Girlfriends have to stay at home unless they wanna become marines as well thhhen I’m sure if you still want him he’ll be all yours in between his deployments.

Now… jokes aside you gotta look at this from our vantage point. Read this as if you were reading from a strangers eyes. What do you think we see? (NO THIS IS NOT TO MAKE FUN OF YOU) He’s in sports, going to college, working, now do you know the kind of commitment it takes to be a Marine? Don’t get me wrong they have civilian jobs IF they’re lucky to get one sadly, because most jobs know that they could ship out without a moments notice and would have to maintain that spot open for them by law if I’m correct. Which is expensive for the company. You said he’s in sports, ok swell soo he’s going to college and he’s working. To me it would seem logical to Join the marines 1st prior to going into college so you can get military benefits. Also, why would I be training in sports, if I could be training on how to serve my country? Why would i be giving my all if I was going to become a Marine, one of the few and proud? Marines don’t get as many of the benefits a guardsman or US army man gets. (please note im not belittling any service I love em all.) But Marines are the ones who get to say it was they who stormed the beaches of Normandy way back when and it's they who storm the beaches of those whom have caught the eye of America's guns. Nowadays they have to be more than just soldiers, they're negotiators, they're peace keepers despite the fact they're trained to be solders first. I haven’t ran into one Marine that doesn’t take his flag with the utmost seriousness. I only had one thing that held me out at 17 otherwise I did everything to make the Marines my career. I made sacrifices, I did all the exercises, I graduated early with honors and a top student in my school which was miraculous considering the situation only to be rejected… Ya that sucked.

Now this is just me but there’s something alil off with your situation. I’m not saying that your lying but some things aren’t adding up with his. You don’t become this successful college student who’s working and whos playn sports while having a very repressive mother. Cause everything else says to the contrary. Especially in sports, because your always gonna be noticed on the field and an overbearing protective mother against allowing her son to be around or talk to girls is doing the exact opposite of what she would do. Along with that a mother who tells her son he’s stupid and what not and kicks him out wouldn’t really give a second thought as to what he did with girls she obviously wouldn’t care about him so why would she care about who he is into and who he’s around.

I guess tell me what you think about that? Also have you seen him in person to get an honest feel for who he is?

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 2 2015 at 15:25
Member since: 19 August 2014
I read that OP and came away in TWO minds - one thinking everything Keekay said fits perfectly and the other thinking, No, she does *sound* (on the surface) like your typical 'kittenifier' (the type of mother who tries to keep her kids as over-dependent on her as much and for as long as possible because she lacks any life of her own, otherwise, and fears thus wishes to delay the day she becomes a spare part).

Then I wondered whether the over-dominant mother was his great excuse to cover up for flakiness and a playing of the field on his part (texting LOADS of girls). But then you actually interacted with her, didn't you. So the next question was: is she less 'over-dominant' than justified - through him being an at-home Take-Take-Taker who contributes nothing towards the running of the household and instead spending all his time AT HOME, lazing around and socialising on his gadgets?

The fact that the minute his mum blocks one avenue he immediately seeks out another, however, shows us he *is* determined - not only to get to speak to you but to resist her control attempts. But then there's the bit where she didn't remember who you were? How on earth is that possible unless he IS texting a multitude of girls simultaneously?! Unless she's actually a goldfish then I'd say that fits 100%.

To me, the fact that she softened after having 'talked' at length to you leads me to believe that she got the impression that perhaps he HAD found one girl (you) that he liked enough to mean that from then on, with you becoming his sole, exclusive correspondent', the amount of time he spent texting would from then on decrease... but that she got proven wrong on that score, hence coming down even heavier on him.

You've only got HIS side of the whys and wherefores. Yet the actions, the events, point to my theory, meaning - sorry to burst your bubble, but you're clearly not the only girl he electronically interacts with, meaning his free time out of college is spent 100% selfishly and only when taken out of that context would his mum seems unreasonably OTT. So IMO, she's sick and tired of his laziness beyond doing those things he *can't* get out of doing. And he does feel guilty behind his rebellion campaign, doesn't LIKE that itch, and so tries to make her out as the wicked witch who calls him worthless for no good reason when *actually* if *he* were his mother he'd have kicked himself out *permanently*, and way earlier.

Reply from
SHY1229
on Jan 2 2015 at 15:30
Member since: 04 October 2014
You make some pretty good points. First off, I'm not exactly sure why he decided to go to college first, I honestly never thought to question him about it. Haha but he's taking classes on law enforcement, my guess would be that once he got back from his deployment that he wouldn't have to go to college because he already completed his course, but I'm not sure it's just a guess. He's very serious about becoming a Marine, and he's actually going to boot camp this summer, we have already discussed what would happen once he gets deployed and I'm sticking around through it all. And we haven't met each other yet, but we have video chatted each other a lot when his mom is out of the house, and we have made plans to meet this year, the only problem is how to tell his mom he's going to another state. And i agree with what you said, why would a mother who calls him worthless and kicks him out of the house even care about what he does or who he comes into contact with? Well, me and him have questioned that as well and we couldn't really come up with an answer. She recently started making him show her his Facebook because she thinks he writes bad things about her on there but he's not that kind of person. I hope this clarifies things a little better.
Reply from
SHY1229
on Jan 2 2015 at 15:51
Member since: 04 October 2014
SOULMATE-You might be correct as well. I cant rule out any possibilities. The other information he's told me is that during the summer she quit her job as a flight attendant and ever since shes had all of this free time, all she does is sit down and stay on her iPad. He's shown me pictures of her sitting on the couch playing games on there. Ever since she quit, she's stop cleaning around the house and so him, his brother and his dad do all of the cleaning. Now, at times his mom is alright and he does respect her but every other night she gets on him for the smallest thing. Apparently, she's been doing that since he was in elementary school, she gets on his brother about things as well. I wish I could go actually see how his mother is in person but making a trip like that involes money which I don't have a lot of. I hope this information clarifies things a bit too.
Reply from
UNNAMED
on Jan 2 2015 at 17:07
Member since: 01 June 2014
I don't think I could have possibly said it better than Soulmate, she's dead on. To a young buck with a mother who really does care is difficult to be a man coming into his own unless you really have a mother who neglects you. Young men want to distance themselves from such a tittle as "mommas boy." And what not. I would not be stunned to discover that he was actually texting multiple women. And most certainly I agree with the fact that you only truly have one size of the story. The one he's controlling.

Last if he's shipping to boot then that means he's already informed his college that he's basically going to put his college on hold. He will have passed the ASVAB with the acceptance of what marines require I don't recall how old he is but if he is 17 hell be entering deps and on only with both parents signature. Sooooo I would really wait till he actually ships out and remember basic lasts 13 weeks that does not include the specialization training.

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jan 2 2015 at 19:56
Member since: 27 December 2013
"And we haven't met each other yet, but we have video chatted each other a lot when his mom is out of the house."

Sorry, that doesn't add up to a "relationship."

There are too many unknowns here about him. I hope you take it easy and very, very slowly in making any kind of commitment to him.

Why doesn't he just go away to college, if he MUST get away from his mother? His joining the Marines is a bit extreme, and I understand they are tightening up regulations, so it's unlikely he's going in fresh from high school.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 3 2015 at 12:26
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Scuse quick aside, SHY) So were you in the forces, Keekay? I'm just thinking, that would certainly explain why you sound so much more mature and sorted than 23.

***********

SHY,

Looks like all three of us advisers are in agreement. There could be some truth in his slurs against his mum but equally there could also be anything from gross and biased exaggeration to downright porkie-pies, and him telling you about how well he manages to thwart and vex his mum every time supposed to impress you. In fact, it's him revealing his immaturity that he'd even WANT to tell you about their battle of wills in such lengthy detail. I mean - for what possible reason would a son deliberately take snapshots of is mum using an iPad? It could have been the first and last time she ever tried one for all anyone knows (especially since, if she was a flight attendant, trust me, they are constantly too busy for such things)! So to even TAKE such a picture, whether for her benefit or yours, smacks of him stockpiling ammunition that's either real or completely contrived/falsified. Whichever way - how very, very petty.

However, I *could* see a mum who cares, chucking her son out for a night (knowing he'd stay or even having warned him to arrange to stay with a nearby friend). It's called at the end of her tether and putting her foot down, finally.

If I were you, I'd leave them to it...get out of their line of fire during this, his immature, delayed rebellion using her like a 'practise sibling' AND/or her mid-life crisis/lack of joie de vivre using him as her focus for bitching and moaning aka distracting herself from her real woes. (Clearly dad's a limp lettuce leaf or how come you've never witnessed *him* taking son to task!)

But meanwhile, since you've only his word that he even suffers this repression through no fault of his own [insert halo], and since it's HIS problem to deal with, not yours, I WOULD text an 'hello, where are you?', just for your own peace of mind. Put it this way: if - like a septic face zit - those two are caught in an impasse which is neither [a] settling and resolving naturally or through their own more sensible, mature efforts nor [b] being allowed to come to a head, then your text might help it finally go POP!, whereupon it *has* to be treated towards forming a scab and healing. So I wouldn't worry about "causing" trouble because failure on your part to be and act perfectly normally would render you an enabler. In other words, never pussyfoot and walk on eggshells around the issue-riddens. Act normally/healthily and show it and the persons concerned RIGHT up. You're just texting a simple Hi, not shimmying up his drainpipe into his bedroom at 2 in the morning.

Were it ME, however, with her failing to remember WHICH ONE I WAS!, I would just leave it. Because even IF his electronic avenues keep getting blocked - if a bloke is determined enough not to lose contact it'll occur to him at some point to resort to the good old phone or postal system.

Saying all of that, I agree with Susie's penultimate statement because you've GOT to think about the long-term. You do NOT want a mother-in-law who's as pettily immature when it comes to dealing with her ego-flexing son as he is and is likely to view his wife as an extension of him. BLEUGH! Taking a relationship to Seriousville is hard enough without that!

Lots of choices open to you, then, none of which could cause anyone to actually fatally self-combust, LOL.

Reply from
UNNAMED
on Jan 3 2015 at 14:07
Member since: 01 June 2014
Soulmate, I was not fit mentally (long history of mental health issues) to serve in the US forces which was the only thing that held me out and still has to my shame. However I have high hopes when a day will come that our American Military will need everyone who is willing to answer the call of duty and when that happens (with any luck before I am 28 or 29 for reserves,) I’ll be the first knocking on the recruiters door. Until then I will keep myself as fit as I can and hope… Pathetic and desperate I know but everything else in life to me just doesn’t sound right without SOME military behind me.

If you really believe I’m mature for my age then I guess I would have to contribute that to simply my life its been crazy and has left crazy in me to a degree as well as apparently maturity from yer perspective >.> … lol

*******

I like how Soulmate put it. I didn’t comment on it but it did graze my thoughts as curious why on earth would a son take a pic of his mom on an ipad? It proves nothing except for the fact that she has an ipad, likes it since shes using it, knowledgeable to a degree on how to use it, and likes to give herself downtime. We simply can’t see the previous 30 min or the next 30 min. As a result even I can’t pull out of that visual a calculation of a percentage that leans on a possibility that supports his story. So again that’s just another puzzle to this picture that is odd.

I also have to whole heartedly concur with Soulmate, when she said that him telling you about him and his mothers troubles is simply another example of his immaturity she’s dead on again. If anyone male or female has enough self-confidence, dignity and what not. In my book why would you need to “flaunt” your victories, verbal or otherwise? In all honesty those who have a similar necessity of being noticed when I walk past them they are no greater than that of the crowed I am passing.

I don’t know, I would seriously treat this relationship as the words it is based on. Which from my observations seems to be exactly that… words.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 3 2015 at 16:08
Member since: 19 August 2014
(Not sure why you think that's pathetic or desperate, I think it's admirable! (or admiral-able?, hur-hur) That and the fact you've clearly been through the mill. Yep, that explains it. Cheers. :-)).

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?