This is my first forum post here. I've tried to think the situation through by myself and asked my friends for advice, but I'd like to hear the opinions/advice of you too. It might be good for me to get advice from neutral sources! So here goes..
I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. The first 3 years were absolutely amazing. It's been the most inspirational, lively, loving and adventurous relationship I've ever been in. The last year has not been that amazing though. It all begun with her little brother (who was kicked out of both his parent's houses) living with us. Right now I feel like I never should've allowed him to live with us, but I'm also thinking..he's her little brother. He needed a place to stay. I can see now why he was kicked out by both of his parents because he really made my life miserable for half a year. At some point I didn't even want to go home anymore. I tried to seek for support and talked about how I felt about the situation with my girlfriend but all I got was: Well, I'm used to it..he's been like this all his life, what do you want me to do? I didn't feel like she really understood what his behavior did to me mentally. At the same time my behavior changed as well. I always used to be a person who lived by the motto 'carpe diem', positive and bright. But I couldn't feel that way anymore and somehow I kind of turned into myself and couldn't give the love and affection I wanted to give and was always able to give. I do know she tried to reach me during that period but I just wasn't myself..I realized I couldn't live like that any longer and told her we'd either move out to another place or I would, at least temporarily, move back in with my parents. I knew I was pushing her into a corner and I know it might not be the best way to make yourself clear, but I felt misunderstood for 6 months and just wanted to leave. So eventually we did move.
I thought we could start over again, but things went a little differently. I found out she was having an affair with a friend of us both. I'm not sure how to call it, because the person lives in Spain and she told me it only started when our friend moved back to Spain. So she claims nothing physical happened.. It hurt my feelings so bad and I felt stabbed in the back by two important people in my life. Somehow I managed to get past it, and give her another chance. She told me she wanted to move on with me by her side. So we tried to do that and are still trying to do that. I'm just not sure if it's my insecurity talking or if it just won't ever be the same again.. Lately she only goes out with her friends in the weekends. If I want to hang out with her or do something fun she doesn't have any money.. But she spends close to a 100 euro's to go out in the weekends. More and more she stays over at other people's houses. She doesn't introduce me or include me in her social life. I've seen her friends once. When she's here she does show some sort of affection. Like the small things. But still..it just seems like she really changed? We've had multiple conversations in which we discuss (as adults) whether it's better or not to split up or not. She's honest about her feelings towards me. She tells me she sees me next to her when she looks at her future and she doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time she wants to go and discover the world and her possibilities. I've said to her plenty of times that she has three options: either go for me, go for the discoveries, or combine it. Whatever she chooses, I have no choice to accept and respect her decision. Then she tells me she needs to think things through and then all of a sudden she's all clingy again and a week later she pushes me away again. I love her so much, but I can't take this anymore! It's making me insecure and I just don't knów what she wants from me.
I hope you will have the patience to read my story and maybe (hopefully) share your thoughts about it with me?
Thanks so much in advance!
Now I’m a firm believer that folks can change. People in general are constantly in a state of change. However in this case If it were me I would analyize the first time she betrayed my loyalty and realize how it began/ended.
I like how you put she told you its “only started when he moved back to spain.” Ok for me I would have confronted her on the spot and asked are you seriously gonna tell me that? When people have an affair normally its because they’re either not thinking or because they have serious issues at home. Either way they’re running on emotions and emotions without logic are unstable and provide a false sense of control. So heres my next question. Why would someone have an affair just after they moved to another country… wouldn’t you do it prior? Now I calculate that you two were aware he was going to move to Spain again because it reasons out that he didn’t just have the money and the flight ticket one day and say farewell. So that’s why I would tell her to tell me the truth… Just me
The on and off thing of her being clingy and what not, I am not familiar with the chemical make up of women when they are going through a certain difficult time of the month. (I sincerely hope I didn’t just piss off every woman who reads this.) But I am aware that it can affect moods… To me this is a variable that is unknown so I would take that, if you are unfamiliar with it as well, into consideration. Nevertheless IF she does have control of her faculties during this certain time of the month I would analyze this and consider this an internal debate over you. Meaning she’s deciding on whether to move on or not.
So yea that’s what I see, Ill watch this post. (I really hope I didn’t offend anyone… o.o)
End it and you will be very happy in the long run.
At the end of this month she will be leaving to Spain for 6 months for an internship. A long distance relationship is hard as it is and I don't see us two surviving this period in the state our relationship is in now. I feel awful talking about this and saying out loud to myself the love is just gone, but sometimes the truth is hard.
I think you're all right and I need to take steps forward. 2015 has just begun and 2014 hasn't been the best of years. I hope by making this choice my life will get better, I get less insecure and will eventually, when the time is right, find someone who loves me unconditionally.
Thank you! You helped me realize the truth even better. Had no idea that the advice of strangers could give me so much clearance and acceptance!
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?