Don't know what to do, don't know what to think!
This is my first forum post here. I've tried to think the situation through by myself and asked my friends for advice, but I'd like to hear the opinions/advice of you too. It might be good for me to get advice from neutral sources! So here goes..
I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. The first 3 years were absolutely amazing. It's been the most inspirational, lively, loving and adventurous relationship I've ever been in. The last year has not been that amazing though. It all begun with her little brother (who was kicked out of both his parent's houses) living with us. Right now I feel like I never should've allowed him to live with us, but I'm also thinking..he's her little brother. He needed a place to stay. I can see now why he was kicked out by both of his parents because he really made my life miserable for half a year. At some point I didn't even want to go home anymore. I tried to seek for support and talked about how I felt about the situation with my girlfriend but all I got was: Well, I'm used to it..he's been like this all his life, what do you want me to do? I didn't feel like she really understood what his behavior did to me mentally. At the same time my behavior changed as well. I always used to be a person who lived by the motto 'carpe diem', positive and bright. But I couldn't feel that way anymore and somehow I kind of turned into myself and couldn't give the love and affection I wanted to give and was always able to give. I do know she tried to reach me during that period but I just wasn't myself..I realized I couldn't live like that any longer and told her we'd either move out to another place or I would, at least temporarily, move back in with my parents. I knew I was pushing her into a corner and I know it might not be the best way to make yourself clear, but I felt misunderstood for 6 months and just wanted to leave. So eventually we did move.
I thought we could start over again, but things went a little differently. I found out she was having an affair with a friend of us both. I'm not sure how to call it, because the person lives in Spain and she told me it only started when our friend moved back to Spain. So she claims nothing physical happened.. It hurt my feelings so bad and I felt stabbed in the back by two important people in my life. Somehow I managed to get past it, and give her another chance. She told me she wanted to move on with me by her side. So we tried to do that and are still trying to do that. I'm just not sure if it's my insecurity talking or if it just won't ever be the same again.. Lately she only goes out with her friends in the weekends. If I want to hang out with her or do something fun she doesn't have any money.. But she spends close to a 100 euro's to go out in the weekends. More and more she stays over at other people's houses. She doesn't introduce me or include me in her social life. I've seen her friends once. When she's here she does show some sort of affection. Like the small things. But still..it just seems like she really changed? We've had multiple conversations in which we discuss (as adults) whether it's better or not to split up or not. She's honest about her feelings towards me. She tells me she sees me next to her when she looks at her future and she doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time she wants to go and discover the world and her possibilities. I've said to her plenty of times that she has three options: either go for me, go for the discoveries, or combine it. Whatever she chooses, I have no choice to accept and respect her decision. Then she tells me she needs to think things through and then all of a sudden she's all clingy again and a week later she pushes me away again. I love her so much, but I can't take this anymore! It's making me insecure and I just don't knów what she wants from me.
I hope you will have the patience to read my story and maybe (hopefully) share your thoughts about it with me?
Thanks so much in advance!
O-K Psychology 101 – When a girl doesn’t introduce you to her social life or begins to leave you out of her social life she ain’t interested or is drastically losing commitment and interest I’m sorry to say.
Now I’m a firm believer that folks can change. People in general are constantly in a state of change. However in this case If it were me I would analyize the first time she betrayed my loyalty and realize how it began/ended.
I like how you put she told you its “only started when he moved back to spain.” Ok for me I would have confronted her on the spot and asked are you seriously gonna tell me that? When people have an affair normally its because they’re either not thinking or because they have serious issues at home. Either way they’re running on emotions and emotions without logic are unstable and provide a false sense of control. So heres my next question. Why would someone have an affair just after they moved to another country… wouldn’t you do it prior? Now I calculate that you two were aware he was going to move to Spain again because it reasons out that he didn’t just have the money and the flight ticket one day and say farewell. So that’s why I would tell her to tell me the truth… Just me
The on and off thing of her being clingy and what not, I am not familiar with the chemical make up of women when they are going through a certain difficult time of the month. (I sincerely hope I didn’t just piss off every woman who reads this.) But I am aware that it can affect moods… To me this is a variable that is unknown so I would take that, if you are unfamiliar with it as well, into consideration. Nevertheless IF she does have control of her faculties during this certain time of the month I would analyze this and consider this an internal debate over you. Meaning she’s deciding on whether to move on or not.
So yea that’s what I see, Ill watch this post. (I really hope I didn’t offend anyone… o.o)
You need to break up with her now because it will only get worse. The fact that she had had an affair with someone...that's when you should have cut her loose because the ONLY way to have moved on from that betrayal would have been IF you knew you could have moved on 100% and never look back.Obviously you didn't and can't so you need to cut her loose. Life is WAY too short to be spending it with or on someone who doesn't respect you.The fact that she doesn't appreciate the fact that you DID try to help her and her family by taking in her awful troubled brother...and look what you've gotten for it! MORE Problems!
End it and you will be very happy in the long run.
The previous poster is correct in every way. Your relationship has been broken since way back. You need to take positive steps forward away from her because it will only get worse if you drag it on. Rather than wait for her to make a decision, you need to act for your own sake. If you don't have respect, trust, love and honesty in your relationship, then you basically have nothing. You have a choice, either stay and be miserable or leave and eventually regain your happiness with someone else.
Thank you all for your honest replies. To tell you all the truth, I myself have known for a while now things aren't going to be the same. I guess it's only now that I can accept it more than before. I've been with her for almost 4 years now and like I said, most of those years were beyond amazing. Even when she betrayed me by having an affair I somehow wanted to believe that it was a mistake. A stupid mistake, but a mistake made because of the situation and me not being able to show her my affection the way she deserved at that time. I realize now it was probably denial since the beginning. It's just hard to let someone go whom you really deeply love.
At the end of this month she will be leaving to Spain for 6 months for an internship. A long distance relationship is hard as it is and I don't see us two surviving this period in the state our relationship is in now. I feel awful talking about this and saying out loud to myself the love is just gone, but sometimes the truth is hard.
I think you're all right and I need to take steps forward. 2015 has just begun and 2014 hasn't been the best of years. I hope by making this choice my life will get better, I get less insecure and will eventually, when the time is right, find someone who loves me unconditionally.
Thank you! You helped me realize the truth even better. Had no idea that the advice of strangers could give me so much clearance and acceptance!