Dumped on new years
After many years, a small child , no commitment, not living together , alcohol problem , lots of arguments , I gave my final altamatum a few months ago & nothing really changed. I keep edging on that it will be over at the end of the year, but he said I wasn't going to break up, instead on New Year's Eve , he stood me up & called & broke up with me. Now I'm frustrated with a small child all by myself & don't know when or if I will hear from him. I demanded the drinking to stop, to give me some type of commitment & help out more with our child.. Was that too much to ask? Of course not. I don't know what to do , I feel lost, but I don't want to be back with him, because he won't change & get help & abandoning us was the worst thing he could do. I feel like he's afraid if commitment & still wants to be free ... What a waste of time... What should I do, when he decides to call?
The only thing you guys share is a small child. You need to be happy for the sake of this child. While you're frustrated now, you were only damaging yourself by staying with a guy who has issues which only he can solve. If he didn't want to help himself throughout the relationship, then it's quite likely he never will.
If you gave him an ultimatum, then it's because you have recognised the futility of continuing with him. You need a stable and happy environment for your child. This wasn't achievable in the past but in the future, you can do it without his negativeness. He own actions have removed himself from your relationship but your challenge is to keep it that way. If he decides to contact you, you need to be firm and tell him that he has made a decision, just as you have.
Waste of time?....you said it.
Thank you , I should of made this post " waste of time". Because that's all he did was keep me from meeting someone else who wanted a commitment or marriage. Although he loves his child , I guess not enough to sacrafice & give up alcohol . That's not his only issue , in general he is selfish in a relationship . Won't change & ran like a coward. I will stand firm whenever he does contact me..unless he gets help, don't bother with us & anytime u abandon someone like that he must have someone else. I get disgusted everytime I think about it.
It kind of sounds like you were a single mom a long time before you realized it. Breaking up with the father is probably the best thing you could do. I suggest having a relationship with him ONLY when it comes to arranging time for his child (if you feel comfortable, and if he's not drinking) and move on with your life. Onward and upward!
"unless he gets help, don't bother with **us**"
Don't yield to the temptation of using your kid as a pawn or you'll be doing nothing but following HIS lead - he who used your relationship as a pawn for his own anger at the world and everyone in it. With the exception of a high likelihood of his being 'drunk in charge' (in which case you need social services's involvement to guarantee supervised-only visitation rights), unfortunately, that man is the only father your child has got. Having "a" father, even a chocolate teapot, is still preferable when it comes to a child's better development than zero father or (worse) the child feeling like his/her father couldn't ever be bothered with him/her. And that inability, unlike with past exes, to break all ties is the price you pay (aka lesson you learn towards greater future wisdom) when you go and have a child with a wrong'un.
Thankfully, it's never forever. And *if* he fails for the sake of his child if nothing else to ever self-improve, there'll likely come a time when your child decides not to have anything more to do with *him*. (As it should be.)
Maybe he DIDN'T 'waste' your time? Maybe he was a great lesson-on-legs to beat all lessons regarding what you definitely don't and now definitely DO want in your next partner, including recognising all those seemingly trivial or usually unnoticeable little red flags that you previously failed to notice or know what they meant but this time absolutely WILL - even their fractional tips! - meaning you'll be an expert at dumping duds before they get their claws properly into you (or, courtesy of a kid, by whatever degree superglue you to them). And HAVING learned, the quicker you dump the (what to you are) duds, the quicker you come across your true, for-life soulmate. That's how it works.
So it's all good, and he was a superb crash-course tutorial. :-)
Onwards and upwards!