Stuck on repeat... need advice
My husband of 7 years is a LARPer (live action role-playing, d&d as vampires playing rock scissors paper instead of rolling dice). He does this every Friday, and at least one Saturday a month. He is also the "site admin" at the location they rent to play so he has to stop by the different games, even if he isn't playing, to collect their portion of the rent. He can't just go for that though, he stays after and has coffee at the diner with everyone afterwards too. He runs 2 of the games and has to have staff meetings once a month for those, plus the constant texting about game, posting on the game board about things he's doing (because one night a week isn't enough), and he's getting emails at all hours.
We have 2 kids, a 5 year old and a 9 month old. He gets 1 weekend off a month at his job. With all his gaming responsibilities he doesn't have much time for us. We've talked and fought about this more times than i can count. I'm told he'll drop a game, but he doesn't. When he's home, if football isn't on he's playing Destiny and we have all learned not to interrupt that.
He tells me to go out and make friends, but since I'm the responsible parent that always has the kids, i really can't. I want him to be able to hang out with his friends, but his family misses him. When he's home he's texting, emailing or playing his game, or he's asleep on the couch. Talking has gotten us nowhere, things will be good for a few days, a week tops, then he goes back to his old ways again. I have already told him things need to change or divorce is the next step. That made things better for 3 days. I hated threatening that, but this back and forth has been going on for over 4 years now.
I have no life. Everything i do includes the kids, so it's a lot of nothing. I have no friends to go out with, left out even by friends that have kids the same age as mine. My two best friends are my mom and my son, which is pathetic for a 33 year old.
I need help, advice from an outside source. What can i do? This has caused me to succumb to depression. I hate it. I hate what I've become. I just don't know how to get through to him...
The next step will need to be divorce since you have already told him many times how you're feeling and what you need from him in your relationship.You state that he is good for 3 days or at the max a week.Well it sounds to me that you married a huge child.He's not the man that you need to be there for you and your kids.Going on for 4 yrs you;ve stated? Well it looks like you have tried in your relationship but as we all know..it always takes 2 people to want to work on things and it sounds like you're the only one that is taking you seriously.
Believe me, I've been divorced one already and I'd like to avoid it. We have 2 kids together, a house, many joint bills...neither of us can afford the house on our own, we barely scrape by as it is.
Then something like last night happens and makes me question everything. Without me asking he left his phone off the whole night, helped get the kids ready for bed and clean up after dinner, then we curled up on the couch going through music videos on YouTube, one of our fav things to do together. In bed we curled up together, which we hadn't done in a while. It was wonderful and I felt like I had my husband back. Any suggestions on how I can keep things like this? I did let him know how much last night meant to me...
Ok..so you want to take another chance again to see if he sticks to what you experienced with him last night? To me I feel that he's only appeasing you.He will go back to what he's been doing soon enough.I say that divorce is there for a reason.Yes it makes it more difficult when you throw in a child or more into the mix plus sharing everything...I get it...BUT I feel that if he doesn't want to change and do what he should be doing as a husband and father..being there for the family more...then you should get out of the marriage.It wouldn't be fair for you and your kids to be with a man who shirks his responsibilities.You seem to be doing EVERYTHING one can do as a parent and he just does it when he feels like it or when you voice your unhappiness...he then does what you want.But he needs to be doing this on a consistent basis ....without you having to tell him this.Do you want to be going through this 4 more years only because you don't want to go through the hassle of getting a divorce?? Life is way too short.You need to be happy.You are frustrated with his behavior BUT it's HIS behavior.He's choosing to act like this.You need to be very firm and do what you need to do for you and your kids.
Couldn't agree any more with PURPLEKITTY if I tried! But I think you two gals have missed something highly, repeat, HIGHLY suspect...
"Then something like last night happens and makes me question everything. Without me asking he left his phone off the whole night, helped get the kids ready for bed and clean up after dinner, then we curled up on the couch going through music videos on YouTube, one of our fav things to do together. In bed we curled up together, which we hadn't done in a while. It was wonderful and I felt like I had my husband back."
I'll tell you both what this incredible "coincidence" makes *me* question (*with* copious experience to back it up, I should add): YOUR PRIVACY!
Do what? You post on the 4th and that same day at 5.58pm get feedback saying 'gear up to divorcing him' and then suddenly that same evening (clearly only an hour or so later going by 'kids to bed') he's Mr Full-On Wonderful, Mr Complete-About-Turn?
That's not a coincidence, REENIEBUG, that's writing in big, block capital letters on the wall!
"Coo-eee, Mr Snoopy-Pants, hi there!!! Realised from her opening forum post that your poor, put-upon wife IS actually serious after all, have we? Actions speak louder than what you thought of as mere nag-nag-nag for-the-sheer-harpy-'fun'-of-it, do they? Yeah - ketchup, baby tomato! :-p"
Great. So now you've not only got a spoiled, pompous, over-entitled, arrogant, inconsiderate, empathy-less adolescent on your hands but one that's a typical, privacy-smashing uber-control freak to boot. Lovely. Lucky you.
DAMN right he's merely appeasing you! And do you know what this tells me? Answer: how he's perfectly aware, and always was from the start, that his behaviour is beneath that of a loving, supportive husband as would leave ANY wife unhappy, and routinely does as pitifully little as he thinks OR GETS TOLD VIA WHAT HE GLEANS FROM SECRETLY, UNDERHANDEDLY MONITORING YOU AND YOUR INNERMOST FEELINGS that he can get away with.
Hence last night, thanks to what compelling advice he read you were starting to get - Abracadabra!!!