So I have a history of cheating and relationships with married men. I had broken the habit and then fell back into it by going back to a former lover. I wanted to fix it so that he couldn't talk to me anymore and I couldn't talk to him so I told his wife about us. Now I am having problems because I miss him. I know I am a total slut and jerk for doing this. I just don't know how to stop chasing this guy.
So how you stop this is by going to counseling. To be entirely honest you said you broke the habit then fell back into it. Technically that’s not breaking it and so you might want to be aware of that.
If counseling is not an option then finding the heart of the problem is the next step. But doing it alone rarely succeeds But if your gonna here’s what ya do.
First when someone has a habitual problem of cheating there’s more to it than what is seen on the outside. You said you have a history of cheating and relationships with married men. So you have to find the “why’s”
On the cheating aspect since you say you have a history of it, this tells me that its different from someone who has cheated once, because someone who has cheated once usually does it out of an emotional disconnection. Now I’m gon on a limb here so tell me if I’m wrong but I calculate that somewhere down the line you were hurt to the extent that you really have a difficult time trusting males and that your relationships are more platonic (emotionally wise) than actually firmly grounded. Cause you can have sexual relations with someone and not love them at all right? As a result you could actually meet the guy of your dreams and still cheat on him because you just wouldn’t be able to reeeeally trust him to the extent necessary that a real relationship requires. (again please correct me if I’m wrong or you feel something needs to be adjusted.)
Now looking at how you included that you also have a history of cheating with married men specifically. That also adds to my calculations concerning why you cheat. This may sound far off but perhaps why you cheat with married men is because you have an emotional attachment to the image of a married life. Sooo kinda like you may want to shove the wife over and take her place to fit within the imagined security that comes within a marriage.
***** You must understand that what I'm discussing is the sub-conscious level of the human mind. So these are just possibilities mixed with probabilities to give you a reasonable answer.*****
ON THE OTHER HAND, you also could have a jealousy complex to a degree relating to that of marriage which in turn is why you specifically seem to go after married men/ or don’t care if they’re married or not. Your caring more about your own desires and "skin" than the people in the marriage, including the kids wife and husbands. Which is called being self-centered to a degree. PLEASE NOTE I SAID SELF-CENTERED not SELFISH. Two dramatically different words which get misconstrued. Frankly it’s understandable to me why you cheat. But unfortunately for you very few people would take it… I suppose you could say as unemotionally as I.
So if you want to overcome this look for the hidden core.
You have really touched on some things that hit home. I agree that I need counseling but my husband will not allow me to go to counseling. He is not aware of my cheating but I have asked him in the past related to crippling depression. I did go to counseling after my husband and father of my children died 10 yrs ago and was told that I have PTSD related to sexual abuse as a child which has left me feeling that I only have value as a sexual partner. The first time I was with a married man was when I was sexually abused. The next time, I had been abandoned by my first husband with a newborn baby. The only man who seemed interested in me was married and he was involved with my father in my father's business. The next time was my late husband and father of my children. He left his wife and married me and we were happy for 23 yrs until he died suddenly. Months after he died, a man in our community who was married and I became involved and I ended up almost killing myself. After that man I went back to school and as part of my training I met the man who is the subject of the initial post. We had an on/off 3 yr relationship where I fell in love with him but he never left his wife. I broke up with him when I started dating my current husband and I didn't talk to that man for almost four years. My husband and I had been married three years and off and on the last guy would try to reach me. I got really depressed one day and contacted the last guy. Lets call him Chief. Anyway, Chief was still telling me he loved me and was separated, but I found out he had left his wife for a much younger woman who he was seeing while telling me he loved me. I broke off with him and lasted six months and then went back looking for him. Since August we have been on/off and I realize he is toxic to me and I would lose my current husband if he found out, so I tried to walk away. Like I said, I wrote an email to his wife telling her the truth because he had gone back home but was telling me stuff that I knew wasn't true and to be honest part of me wanted her to see what he was doing. But I sent it yesterday and I'm already missing him so much. I am just so confused and messed up.
I’m glad that you agree cause you certainly are in emotional quagmire of confusion, mistrust, inner turmoil and frankly I must tip my hat to your resolve to simply survive.
As for feeling like you only have value as a sexual partner would explain a few things as well as be an integral factor in the core problem. See the intimacy of the act of sex provides that temporary distraction from your emotional distress by hanging this emotional curtain up temporarily. But once that’s over your back at square one a few days/weeks later. In truth your not missing him your missing the false sense of temporary security you feel he gave you when in reality in the end I think you know how it will turn out and the miserable feeling that will remain that will require you to sate it.
Now your last sentence is spot on. Here’s whats going on inside you. Consider you mind a house. It is seriously cluttered to the point of detrimental to your health. Basically what you need to do is clean your brain O.o
There’s many way’s to do this. Again counseling, convince your husband just how badly you reeeally need it. Anything that brings order and discipline to you. Many folks do yoga me personally I do martial arts, meditation and work. That’s where I would begin.
What was your INTENTION in sending a letter to the wife?
I have a feeling that all things will come to a close when they process that letter TOGETHER.
What is going on with your marriage - or yourself - that you have this draw to the excitement of the unattainable in your life? A counselor will help you figure that out. Given your background, there are layers to uncover.
Tell your husband you are not feeling well and will be going to talk to a female counselor. Does he know about your past? Surely, he would support you in your efforts to deal with it and put all that to rest, resulting in a happier woman and happier wife.