I don't think there is a need for an introduction, so here comes the actual story, unique, but most probably very well known to each of you.
By posting this I can't say I am seeking help, but only an opinion at the moment. And I also have to apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes. I will just write down anything I can think of, hoping that someone out there might just analyze everything and express his point of view... You can aswell just skip everything and get to "the real deal".
Firstly, I'm a male, 19 years old, and my... Former counterpart, a she, 17 years old. Not sure if it's of any use but, guess it can't do any bad to write these down.
I guess I can describe myself as a very pesimistic person, need alot of motivation to do anything that is not of my liking, laziest you'll ever get to know... Pretty much full of negative "features". Very few positive ones. Very introvert, phlegmatic and melancholic, stressed and worried most of the time (some of you might say that as a child I do not have much to worry about, but even these simple worries consume alot of my energy), bored, all the time, sad, maybe even suffering from a depression, and of course, diagnosed with a more or less, mild, hypothyroidism. Not very communicative, not even with my parents, poor souls... Only one child and even that one is very flawed. Very low self esteem. Not much that can make me happy or even just feel better. I mostly enjoy alot being alone, or, with " myself" only. I am too much of a thinker, I might overthink everything and this could be the cause for my biggest problem.
Very peroccupied by school... Highschool actually, 4th and final grade, 3 more months until an extremely important exam which will decide wether I wipe the floor at KFC, or do what I would like to do (IT and stuff). By preoccupied I mean, very very worried about it, but not doing much.
About her now... Lovely person, gentle, very active, sociable, happy most of the time, sometimes hard to sadden, choleric and sanguine. Did many sacrifices, would do nearly anything to make me happy. She is just about perfect, or at least that's what I think of her. Also, seems attractive to me, and sometimes cute in a more, gentle way.
More or less the opposite of me.
However, we are not together anymore, and it is all because of me, and I can't understand what is going on.
>>> HERE'S THE REAL DEAL <<<
We've been together for about 5 months. Not much you'd say, but it felt like so much longer. Everything was perfect, we were both absolutely loving eachother, we couldn't even breathe. We would talk every single moment, go outside for about 4-5 hours everyday, send eachother gifts, cuddle alot, act cute, and of course... Sometimes, have sex.
After those 4-5 months of bliss, I suddenly realised I do not love her anymore, or at least that's how it felt, although she had not done anything at all. I began feeling really anxious around her, I would even feel eager to get home or just to get away from her. Very strange and saddening feeling. We had a routine and I was more or less very anxious even before we would see eachother. Everytime I'd get home I would just jump into my bed and start thinking about what to do, sometimes even ending up crying.
I waited, and I waited, and I waited, trying to act as if nothing was happening... But of course, she noticed, and I just couldn't lie to her anymore, so I spitted everything out. After I had finished, I tried to convince myself I just had a depression and that it would go away soon. But it didn't. No matter what I would do, the anxiety would not dissapear. At some point I even told her we should start cutting down on the time we would spend together. We even got to see eachother 3 times per week, but even the thought of being together, just made me feel terrible. So I gave her the final blow, and eventually broke up, not before telling her I'd come back if I'd feel like it, and she agreed to wait. I chose to break up for the sake of her long-term happiness. I had more or less, "set her free", and I even tried to tell her, there are many others, much better than me, but she kept saying: you are my only one, you are my soulmate". She had of course felt incredibly bad but, still better than being sad and demoralized each and every day.
We would still talk from time to time, and some times it felt like it was working. I had a strange feel of relief and freedom after breaking up, but I felt absolutely terrible about it. A week later we got back together, and everything seemed promising, up to a point. 3-4 days later, I began encountering that feeling of anxiety again, and then, I had lost all my hope. 1 day later, we broke up again, this time, for good. No "please give me a break", no nothing.
Everytime we broke up, I've tried being very peaceful, no yelling or swearing or anything. The first time we broke up, I cried... ALOT. I felt very bad about it. Even though I felt relieved, it also felt wrong, it felt like we should and must still be together. It almost felt unnatural not to be with her anymore, but it also felt... Great.
Last time (second time) we broke up we both didn't feel that remorse anymore, it felt like it would happen anyway sometime, so we were kinda prepared... But it still felt horrible. And again, she told me: "despite everything that has happened, I cannot be with any other guy except you, so I suppose you can say I am still waiting".
After writing everything, I'd like to pose some questions:
1. What the hell is going on with me?
2. Am I truly not in love with her anymore?
3. Can I convince myself and even be, in love with her again?
4. What can I do?
>>> Now, some other, less important info, that might help. <<<
As I said, I feel very stressed and worried most of the time. I go to sleep rather late, and wake up very early, even during a vacation. Not really a sportsman, as I said, I'm very lazy. Not much time spent outside anymore, 6 hours at school, 4 more hours spent on learning, every day, except weekends of course. Weekends during which I spend most of the day on my beloved PC, or go outside with my buddies for a couple of hours.
About her... Well, I certainly knew how to make her happy, but from that point I just wouldn't feel like doing it. I've read countless articles on the internet regarding love, what it means, and when you should break up. Love meant trying to make your mate the happiest he/she could get. During the begining of our relationship, I was desperate. I would do nearly anything to see a smile on her face, but nowadays, I somehow felt like it would be ok to make her happy, but as I said earlier, I didn't feel motivated, at all. I felt like I wouldn't care about her or the relationship anymore.
As I said before, she was desperate aswell, and probably still is. It wouldn't bother me to get back together, but I surelt can't be that affectionate anymore, and I just can't ask her to stay with me until I MIGHT get back to normal. It really hurts me to say this, but as long as she can get the affection she deserves from someone else, why should she stick with a grumpy retard like me?
And of course, even the thought of being with her again brings back that terrible anxiety. I really don't know what's happening, or at least I can't explain it. Hope you guys come up with some ideas.
Thanks in advance
I was all like WOAAA and YEAAAA and I can relate in my own “phlegmatic” way, specifically referring to my own analyticism with a few distinct differences lol.
This is just from my observations of my own experience because honestly this is something I still contemplate and for me with assistance I have discovered I simply refuse to allow anyone to get close due to lack of trust. So perhaps you may relate do you face the same issue of mistrust?
I was once in a similar situation where I was involved with a young woman, incredible in all ways I wrote her poetry I brought her flowers and I read romance novels studying how romance was done in a normal fashion. But after a few yrs (no lie) my truth came out that I was unable to establish an emotional connection to her. When the relationship ended I had to readjust to having the spare time but I moved on fairly easy. (obviously there is more to that story)
With you, I would suggest you allow her to move on. Because the pain she would feel now would be a lot less painful and more merciful than what you could put her through. So all the above would be my answer to number 1
2 I would say no
3 I would say sure but you would “convince” yourself you wouldn’t have it or know it without a doubt. Convince means to simply “believe or persuade.”
4 I would submit you ask someone else cause that is something I still struggle with. lol
i think you have nothing to worry about. being that age is a confusing time because you have so many changes taking place, your still growing. the reason i think i would feel as you do is if you thought she was the one. I say this because i would want to try allot of things before i settle down but all of that gets bllown out of the water when you think you have met the one at an early age, and have not had time to complete my list. the most painful relationships i ever had were at that age. most of my emotions felt heightened and changing every minute. The more i would try to stick to my list of things to accomplish the harder it got. I fell in love at that age and it felt so powerful, it took over me. These roller coaster emotions wont always be like that. when your slightly older your going to remember these times and laugh. do not think that anything is wrong with you because its pretty normal what your going through.
Well after having a rough argument with her we've both decided we would just wait it out. She told me that no matter what happens she would stay single for a very long period of time (she said forever, but... As you said, this feelings are a bit overpowered at such an age
) We agreed to wait for eachother, because even after breaking up 2 times with her, I still feel it is very unnatural not being with her. But her company feels rather unpleasant, which is very strange.
Could I blame it entirely on my possible "disease"? (Possibly depression)
You are young, both of you. You seem way too focused on getting it right when even if this relationship is meant to be, you're putting way too much stress on it.
The hardest thing you're both going to learn is you can't rely on your relationship for emotional stability. This is why people say you have to be happy or love yourself before others will be happy for or love you.
In a more graphic but visual representation, imagine two divers underwater. Having your own air is the most responsible and safe way to put yourself in a safe situation before going underwater (the relationship). Two people can share one tank, but it becomes hard to keep calm and in control, not to mention you'll be underwater for half of the time at best. Your dive buddy also won't feel as safe with your choices if you've already decided to endanger both of your lives.
So what happens when both divers go underwater (start a relationship) without a tank (emotional stability)? The answer is all out panic and no chance at making it work.
It only worked a few months at first because of the honeymoon stage, an instinctual reflex dating back to early human interaction and mating (I'll skip the details, but feel free to Google for more info). That honey moon stage is like the huge breath you take before jumping in a pool. It works for a pool (basic interaction and time needed to basically reproduce and move on), but unless you want one night stands your whole life, you need to be prepared to move onto the ocean (stable compete relationships that lead to marriage and overt all lifetime happiness with someone).
So that's step one and the most important, not relying on anybody for emotional support, and if possible not getting into a relationship with someone who is going to rely on your air (your emotional stability).