My boyfriends ex
Okay, my boyfriend has a daughter with one of his exes. The story is, she was fucking around on him with a guy from prison, sending the guy I love you cards and teddy bears while he was locked away. He had a previous relationship that ended very badly because she cheated on him the whole time he was with her, she was a druggie, and she had two kids with him that one of them turned out to not be his, and the worse part was she tricked him into signing over full custody to his aunt he would never get them back, because she didn't want them at all, and she didn't want to be stuck paying child support to him if he ended up getting them back.
This woman that he had his daughter with is no good and lazy. She used to be a librarians assistant, and she gained so much weight that she could no longer work so she got on disability. So she got a gastric bypass surgery, she is able to work now because she lost a lot of weight, and she still claims disability and currently has two out of her four kids on disability so she can live off their checks too because she is again, lazy. She has three different baby daddies and she is a wrecking ball of drama and stupidity, and that is another reason why it must not have worked between my man and her,
Having been through what he did with his ex, when this woman pulled her shit, he decided he wasn't going to go through anymore drama with another woman so he packed up his things and he left her, because he knew eventually that she was probably going to kick him out so she can move in this guy from the penn. His daughter was six months old at the time, and he pretty much told her the only time he was going to step up and help out was for his daughter and not for her. I don't know what she told this guy from the penn when he got out, but suddenly, this guy started threatening to kill him and would harass him and started trying to tell him to not come by or contact them again. My boyfriend tried his best to keep contact with his daughter and her mother but the guy she was with continued to change their phone numbers and move them all over Virginia state so he couldn't find them. The guy would try to tell my man he couldn't see his daughter or have anything to do with her, let alone telling her, that he wasn't her real dad, so his daughter was convinced until she was nine that the guy from the penn was her father.
She promised my man that she wasn't going to put him on child support as long as he made an effort to come by and see his daughter and help out when it was necessary so he was sending her money for a while until, one day she pulled some shit and put him on child support. So he got supremely fucked because he was also getting used for back up child support and he couldn't get visitation because she had the nerve to claim that he hasn't been doing his part or been trying to come by and see his daughter when that man kept on moving them around and changing their number in the first place. And she had the balls to tell him that men from prison are more mature.
Nine years go by, and he finally gets to see his daughter on her ninth birthday, she had no idea he was her dad, and her step grandmother would get pissed off and threaten to whip her if she called him dad. The worse thing about this is, the only reason she let him come by was because her man got thrown in prison again for assaulting a senior citizen who was a pizza delivery driver. And while my man stayed with her to help out with his daughter and her other two kids, she would feed him sob stories about how he did nothing but beat the shit out if her, rape her in front of the kids, pull guns out on her in front of the kids, and force her to perform robberies with him. So a few months go by and he is trying to work and she has the nerve to get pissed off with him because he brings home hardly any money because his checks Are being garnished for all the child support debt she started with him in court, and then she kicks him out and tell him to leave and he literally had to walk back to virginia from knots island nc. She gets pissed off at him and stops talking to him afterwards because he is with me, and in order for him to be able to have anything to do with his daughter, she wants him to be single so he has no other commitment and she can use his daughter to manipulate him with.
This gets better. She talks about how she wants to leave her man who is in prison for the second time, and pack up and move away as far as she can. We offered her to move where we are at and get a place with us so my man can help out with his daughter, and instead, she gets a house two houses away from her mother in law, which defeats the purpose of getting away from him because his mother would tell him where she is at. So at this point I'm getting pissed because he is pissed and angry and getting irrational because at this point the man is getting ready to be released from prison in two or three months, and she is fucking around and purposely creating these games and drama and trying to get my man involved in this because all he is worried about is the safety of his daughter.
So he gets out, he finds her, and like a dumb bitch, she gets back with him and has another kid with him. He starts his shit with her again, and when she realized she had enough, she decides to leave him then and there. Well he starts blackmailing her and she literally got arrested for 48 hours because he turned her in for a robbery they committed because she was the one who shot a gun at the victims, and now she is hiding out in West Virginia.
I just get angry because this stupid bitch is really dumb and putting an impact on my man that is making him get ready to go and do something really stupid and regrettable. I am worried she is going to cause my man to go off the deep end and go back to va and kill this guy because of all the hell he has put him through, and all the emotional turmoil and drama he has caused in his life, not to mention, solely because he just plain doesn't want that guy around his daughter and her brothers because he really cares about her brothers too. I'm pissed off because she is deliberately jeopardizing the safety and well being of her children and letting this creep around them, and it's literally driving my boyfriend to go out and do something about it. I'm just pissed off because I'm introduced to the shit now and I have to talk sense into my man every time he flips out about these situations.
I keep telling him because of all the bullshit and because she is literally that stupid and ignorant hes not going to get a chance to see his daughter or even try to get joint custody. I tell him not to even brother trying and I tell him to stop contacting her because she brings a lot of negativity Into our lives that we don't need. If she has repeatedly done stupid shit with this guy, who is to say she won't find another stupid guy and get with him and repeat the same shit over again? I tell him, that when his daughter is old enough she will find out things on her own really quick and if she wants to contact him later on, he can tell her the real truth to everything but now just isn't the time for him to freak out, because we are getting married soon, and what if we decide to have kids? I don't want this crazy bitch being the reason why my future family with him can possibly get broken if he goes off and ends up going to prison.
Am I wrong for being annoyed and angry about this? I mean literally, this is not going to get resolved at all because of all the irreversible damage she has already done. I mean literally, my bf has to work unreliable under the table jobs to bring in money for us because they literally garnish his whole check when he gets paid and he is lucky to even bring in 40 dollars.
How is it that your BF is "in the system, i.e. paying child support) and never set up child visitations at your house?
Yes he is in the system but she has it deliberately set up so he can't see his daughter because she made it out like he made no effort, so Virginia state is in her favor, and she pretty much uses his kid to manipulate him with and will let him see her when it's convenient for her. Then we have literally tried negotiating and we have gone as far as to even letting her move in it with us so he can see his kid and she can be safe and far away from the creep she was with. But because I am in the picture she won't do it, and she won't let him see his kid.
Is his name on that child's birth certificate? If so, he CAN set up visitation with her - thru the courts. Get a lawyer or go to Family Court or whatever handles family issues in your county.
Why would you want to bring that toxic woman (and all her gang)into your home? I's surprised that child protective services are not already at her doorstep.
"Why would you want to bring that toxic woman (and all her gang)into your home? I's surprised that child protective services are not already at her doorstep."
Exactly. Why WOULD you> Or rather, why would he. And why would he fail to solicit the muscle of all the social services?
Something tells me the reason is because he's gaining some sort of satisfaction from this never-ending battle with his ex *and* this macho meathead, using his paternal urges as his whole excuse.
You're quite correct that he should have thrown in the towel by now out of the perfectly logical anticipation of his getting to have full-time custody of his daughter the minute she's old enough to vote to leave that toxic homestead. (Indeed, ex-wife's an idiot because she's guaranteeing that her relationship with her daughter will end at that point, meaning she gets short-term victory but longer-term defeat. Far, FAR longer term! As in - he (your partner) who laughs last laughs longest...his case, forever after.) Meanwhile, he could have been using his noddle and sending regular letters and gifts by recorded post as later proof to show the authorities in order to dispell the false accusations AND to show his daughter in order to instantly put paid to any fears on her part by then, that he didn't try his best to keep regular contact. By the same token, he could have kept a diary about it all for her to one day read.
The simple fact of the matter, despite I doubt your man would admit it, is he's still emotionally engaged with his ex-wife. By this I mean, still embroiled BY THE EGO. He's hell-bent on not letting her win every round, not being beaten. By her and NOW by her Tweedledumber, an extension of her. Your man's ego is not healthy and that's why it's addicted and incapable of allowing him to walk away, as well as incapable to listening to reason (you). He's DefCon-ed. DC2, by the sounds of it. StressyThickyVille.
He needs intensive counselling IN ORDER that he'll accept the bed he made and has to for a while lie on and hand the battle over to the proper authorities where it should be and should have to begin with. And also, so that he'll be ready to put ALL of his attention and energies into his relationship with you. I mean, how romantic and attentive IS a bloke who's constantly gnashing his teeth, plotting Blue murder, and working himself to the bone?
You don't have to talk sense into him, though. It's his problem, not yours. Reason I say that is because you've repeatedly TRIED to make it your problem ergo yours to improve or solve yet he's not LETTING you do so. So that makes it his problem, not yours, which is HIS choice. So rather than try to manage his unnecessary angst and fury, I would, if I were you, back RIGHT off. Just don't make any comment next time he stands there ranting. Refuse to be dragged in. You no longer want to know. "Yeah, whatevah...". He'll then get the message that his insistence on indulging in this ridiculous drama equals losing you, bit by significant bit.
Alternatively, go the whole hot and ultimatum him. Preferably about having counselling since I doubt he's even capable of rising to any more difficult challenge at the moment.
Whichever, you have to now get it through his thick skull that you, for one, are NOT PLAYING any more and are deadly serious in how you feel about all this, now and into the future. Whilst you're there each time, supporting and advising and smoothing his ruffled feathers like his ruddy mother ("dere, dere, mummy's wickle victimised soldier"), he gets the distinct impression you don't actually mind as much as you "blah-blah-whinge-nag" claim.
Men respond to ACTIONS. (Blah-blah with no follow-through is not actions.) And, when in DefCon - preferably face-slapping, shoulder-shaking ones.
Surely you know this or could have worked it out for yourself? So why do you lack the confidence to stand up for yourself and your (potential) relationship optimacy? ALREADY, he's incapable of being a proper provider to you plus, as I say, can't be all that mentally available to you. So why have you been putting up with this utterly childish, Jerry Springer-type nonsense as leaves you in various ways neglected?
You sure-sure-sure YOU'RE not getting off on the drama or perhaps on being his rescuer/emotional nursie? I only ask because instead of, 'it gets worse', you said, 'it gets BETTER' (- actions!).
I really don't even want her in my life at all and the other day I finally snapped at him and told him I'm not going to deal with this shit anymore, and I made him an ultimatum as well.... So it's entirely up to him of he wants us to continue or if he wants to keep go petting involved with her stupid ass.
Oh, bra-VO!!! Good on ya! So it was a sarcastic 'better'.
Watch that space, then. Might take a few weeks for it to sink in. The DefCon-ed are veeeery............................ slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow (yawn).