Called me fat then says she was joking.
It's a little more complicated than the title, but basically my girlfriend of 2.5 years has a tendency to use a condescending tone of voice, or be downright rude or mean, with no provocation from me. Often times it happens right after she gets off work, so I give her a pass because I know her job stresses her out. I'll ask her a question, or just try to talk to her, and she'll respond by snapping at me or speaking in a rude tone of voice, then later say she was "just joking" or "I was kidding and you don't know how to take me." The other day she was mad at the vet because he told her her dog needed to lose weight. I said "Well, to be honest she is kinda fat", to which she replied "Well YOU'RE fat!" Now, I could stand to lose a few pounds but I wouldn't say I'm fat, and I found that to be insulting and frankly pretty hurtful. (The funny thing is she a bit of a weight problem, but I didn't mention it because I don't have it in me to be that much of an asshole.) I brought it up this morning and she said "I said I was sorry and I was joking!" (she hadn't) and again said "You just don't know how to read me." We've discussed this a number of times, usually with me capitulating and saying "Ok I'll try to assume that you're joking whenever you're being like that", but when I do stand my ground she says "Oh OK so everything is always MY fault." I feel kinda silly asking for advice on this. I'm no spring chicken and have plenty of relationship experience, but this is new to me. I'm not quite ready to break up with because of this, but I'd like to get some advice on how to deal with it before it gets to that point.
Ok, I read your post and had to chuckle alil bit. EVERYONE thinks they could lose a few pounds thats like the new "fad." Even if they are considered by physicians to be obese/over weight. Guess what, thats normal! What matter's is how you see you. For me I'm stocky but I can bench 300lbs and do pull ups like no ones business and jog a good mile, which is all i need. So when someone comes around and says, "Hey looks like it might be time to hit the gym." Since they haven't a clue what im capable of, I'm like, "hey, looks like those eye exams are don ya good keep it up." Granted I can't recall the last time I ever heard anyone tell me that cause all they see is the mental image of what may happen to them if i get my hands on them. They can't see my humor and the fact that I really couldn't care less as to what they think. So joke it off, don't take it seriously. If she says your fat, say back, "I'm glad you aren't losing your eyesight." Why be hurt or offended by words?
If you have ever heard the statement "the pen is mightier than the sword..." ITS ONLY "MIGHTIER" BECAUSE WE GIVE IT POWER TO BE MIGHTIER...
So take a chill pill 'bro,' relax distance yourself from the words that may sting you.
If you can tell that she is in her "stressed out zone" then back off. Even go into another room.
Problem is: do you really want to live like this? These kinds of people are explosive and lash out at anyone in their way.
If you have "plenty of relationship experience" then you should know when it's time to leave when it's an unhealthy situation for you.
You have a toxic 'friend' in your life that you need to get rid of.Sorry to say it but this person seems very immature and don't know how to treat a good friend like yourself. You need to just severe the ties.Don't even give an explanation because honestly with that person's attitude..they SHOULD know why you want distance. Lost of people have stressful jobs BUT they don't take it out on their friends...if ANYTHING...you relieve stress with a good friend or two! she dodn't get it so you need to end this for your well being.
Agree with the gals.
She's what I call a Cat-Kicker, someone who thinks you're there to dish it to yet woe betide if you ever treat her likewise (- THEN she'd be perfectly 'sensitive', oh, aye).
Any relationship requires team spirit which includes mutual sense of protectiveness and supportiveness and desire to life enhance. PARTICULARLY the really up-close romantic variety. This 'you're my personal punching bag' attitude runs counter to that. What GENUINE friends or empathetic partners do whenever they feel stressed and liable to snap or blow is warn you they're in a bad mood and that it's probably best IF you wouldn't mind/would be so kind to give them a wide berth for a while or ASK NICELY for a shoulder, not DUMP on you (or whomever's the first person to rattle or knock on their cage) without your consent, or pick a fight, as leaves them feeling purged and you laden.
As Susie says, despite you can learn to vacate the room whenever you sense their bad mood - why the hell should you. That's called walking on eggshells. It's *your girlfriend's* responsibility to control herself, not yours (nor certainly bending over backwards making unreasonable allowances until your spine fractures or gets bent out of shape)...You're not her dad or her sibling. So if she's failed to learn simple adult respect and decorum and, as evidence strongly suggests, you've failed at the outset (your case, out of ignorance) to nip such unacceptable attitude and behaviour in the bud by consistently standing up for yourself (e.g. silently walking away/ending the phonecall there and then, with or without withering one liners or ruddy great lectures beforehand), she shouldn't be trying to benefit from one of the perks of adulthood, namely, being in an adult relationship.
The problem is, this woman has clearly been allowed to get away with this unfair behaviour her whole life, and no doubt got trained into it in the first place. It's got to stop because childish attitudes and behaviour and a mature, loving, supportive relationship that can last beyond are mutually exclusive. So she'd better choose, hadn't she, and quick-sharpish before you reach the end of your tether and unceremoniously dump her (which obviously is coming, going by the action of you coming onto a forum about it). And UNTIL she learns, she'll just keep getting dumped by any men with any self-respect, any men worth having.
Next quiet moment, tell her like it is. If that fails to work then next time roar her face off with, 'How DARE you speak to me like that - I am NOT your emotional punching bag!' (ignoring any switch to victim type tears). And if even that fails then you can be certain you dodged further bullets that were liable to keep getting bigger and more painful, by dumping the dud and going and getting yourself an automatic upgrade (another adult). You'd be doing her a favour in the long run if you did.
(Sorry - typo. '...last beyond "5 minutes"'