About a boy
Hi, I am a 20 year old female and I was in a relationship for close to 5 years and ended it because i had lost feelings for my partner and gained them for somebody else.
I have now been seeing this someone else for 3-4 months now, at least twice a week. I am completely in love with him and knew I was right away. He told me he loved me after a few weeks so he also feels the same way. Now 3-4 months in, we are not in a relationship, but have not kissed, done anything with or seen anybody else the whole time we have been together. Every time i see him it is completely perfect, we are both so comfortable around each other, can talk about anything and are very attracted to one another, i genuinely enjoy his company! At the beggining when we started seeing each other, we would take in turns deciding what to do, e.g. movies, bowling, a drive somewhere, but lately I have been the one deciding all the time. He is awful at decision making in general, but he definately helped decide more in the begininng! he recently had 2 weeks off from work and i was so excited to spend more than 2 nights a week with him, not everyday as I know he needs his space and I mine, but unfortunately i saw him still the same, twice a week and he often put his friends before me. I have no problem with him seeing his friends, as he has said before that he has often "dogged" mates for girls in the past, but he specifically said he couldnt see me as he was with family and then ended up going out with his mates. He did apologise but then went out with them again the following night. It was my birthday yesterday and also his! (Tuesday) and while i saw him saturday and sunday, i had assumed that maybe i would be seeing him one night this week after he finishes work (he is working 9-4 monday- thursday) or another day. Saturday night we are all going out with our friends for our birthdays but i thought he might want to do something with just me earlier. I hate having to ask him because it seems like i am being obsessive or something, but i really love him and just want to see him. so yesterday i suggested i we go out for dinner thursday or friday night, and he said he cant thursday he is going out with his friends (which i dont havea problem with) and then friday he will probably be "knackered" i understand he works all week and will be tired after going out with his friends but i thought he couldve fit in some extra time to see me. so then i suggested i come round tonight for a while to exchange birthdy presents and he says yes but seems reluctant (usually this is because he is exhausted from work) but still, i am the one who will be driving 30 minutes each way to see him, not the other way around. I hate feeling like I am always nagging him, i know he enjoys seeing me and he is an extremely laidback person anyway, but i feel like he should be putting a little bit more effort in
You love him, and that's totally okay, but I think you need to make sure the feeling is mutual. It sounds like he's making pathetic excuses. You shouldn't have to do all the work. Frankly, it should be the opposite. It's okay to do some of the work, but you should take a step back and let him chase you. The best thing to do is talk to him and clarify his feelings and let him do some of the work regardless of the difficulty. Hope I helped! God bless!
So.... he's been for ages now feeding you nothing but mouldy old crumbs or downright flecks of inedible poo whilst you've been giving him the responsiveness and perks befitting receipt of full three-course meals, and you still think he's into you and that there's scope for self-improvement on his part?
Pff....not likely. You're laying down on the floor with the word, 'Doormat', tattoo-ed onto your forehead. And isn't he wiping his feet on you. Oh, aye. Week in, week out! EVEN ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!
He has barely any respect for you, let alone time or energy of effort, because you have consistently from the start been demonstrating that neither do you. He's got it cushy - the relationship completely and utterly on his terms alone. So why on earth do you think that pointing out to him the bleedin' obvious about how this treatment would render you or *any* woman unhappy will have him apologising and stepping up? Who's ever been proving to him that he *has* to? You? Hardly!
Aside from that, no man who genuinely liked, respected and loved you would ever DREAM of treating you like a free-of-charge, personal prostitute come comfy but tattered pair of slippers, EVEN *IF* YOU LET HIM! What - we're supposed to believe he doesn't ALREADY know - doesn't even have ONE CLUE - that you're getting the extremely short end of the deal, unless 'mummy' goes and spells it out for him (hopefully with attention-holding pictures so he doesn't doze off or "oops!"-have to be somewhere)?
Next you'll be teaching him how to tie his own shoelaces.
Please wake up, get real and have more self-respect. No offense but you clearly need a reality-slapping, and from his present and future point of view, you're giving women a bad name. This man clearly gained satisfaction *initially* from the challenge of 'stealing' you off of another man, but then saw how pathetically little he had to do to get you to fall then remain in love with him (he who can do no wrong in your eyes (even when he so is!)), clearly LOVES it that way (= seemingly laid-back), hence cannot even make the basic effort enough to acknowledge, let alone honour, your BIRTHDAY!!!!! Birth *DAY*, not Birthweek!
He's not celebrating YOUR birthday on Saturday. He's celebrating HIS (and you get to be the pigeon under his restaurant table as per usual)!
IOW, at first you were a challenge through being 'taken' but then you proved to be zero challenge from then on, meaning he concluded you weren't permanent partner material (nor even *girlfriend* material, actually) - because that includes self-respect as manifests in high standards and expectations - but would do in the short-term interim as a source of whatever he felt like occasionally taking (in return for nothing more than crumbs), until such point as you reached the end of your tether and ended it.
When a man is grateful to the universe that he has you, he - HE - wants - WANTS - to celebrate the fact of your being alive for yet another year, the fact of your existence! And he wants that privilege to be HIS EXCLUSIVELY. The 'challenge' for a man who's genuinely into you rather than using you as someone conveniently put on this earth for HIS selfish benefit when and ONLY when HE feels like it, lies in the relationship's progress itself. Getting you to fall deeper and deeper in love with him via the attention and effort he puts into you is all the challenge *he* needs.
This guy is maltreating and using you (behind his benign and friendly face) so continually badly that it's actually veered into Abuse territory. READ THAT AGAIN. And you've been for too long LETTING him, so what does that tell you about your sense of self-worth or why you're sacrificing it? Oh, you can TELL yourself you'd like this and that evening alone, that his behaviour moreover suits you, but here's the rub: you getting the odd evening to yourself should be YOUR prerogative, YOUR day specification, not an enforced situation that you minimise or even disguise with icing sugar.
You can sprinkle as much sugar as you like, but sh*t is still sh*t.
Do you even realise this? Because going by the above lack of awarenesses, too-copious minimisations and excuses-making, you don't sound like you do....the piece de resistance statement being:
- "but i feel like he should be putting a little bit more effort in"
LONELY1368, any *less* effort and you'd be dating a CORPSE!!!!
If you TRULY want a relationship then dump the dud. There are men out there who'd be THRILLED to have a woman like you, who'd be beating down your door and ringing your phone off the hook to see you as many nights as you LET him, who would treat you like a princess! Who don't need TELLING HOW to behave like a decent boyfriend to BEGIN with.
...*if* you'd expected it and behaved *befittingly* whenever you didn't get it, I hasten to add. Because, frankly, were *I* you and this guy even just a *friend*, I'd have dumped him. And *long* before today!
So why DON'T you realise how badly he's always treating you? And why HAVEN'T you dumped him yet? Do you really want a relationship or were you hoping this would be a relationship that was convenient TO YOU before finding out this guy's better at manoeuvring than you, AND WAY BEYOND any still-acceptable position you yourself would have manoeuvred him to, yet feel sure you can still tip those scales???
Trust me, you can't. He's got you pigeonholed. He lost respect for you AGES ago. His constant behaviour irrefutably proves so.
Dump the dud. If he wants to use that as his motivation to finally step up, then fine... he knows how. If not, you'll know you've simply managed to dodge further insulting bullets.