Problems with men
I've had a lot to write here because everything is on my mind so I'm sorry if a lot of my issues seem asinine or stupid. This this problem has been with me for a long time and I don't know why it's still there.
I have a deep underlying issue with men. I am attracted to them very much but I fear them at the same time. When a guy comes up and tries to talk to me I'm afraid to be nice and talk to them back out of fear of showing vulnerability and naïvety. They could have a general interest in me or they are just genuinely nice guys and I clam up, I act like I have no interest and my anxiety gets bad whenever a man is in my presence. I have a hard time opening up and coming our of my shell around them. I am afraid to leave my toxic relationship because of how I am around men in general and I am honestly concerned that if I leave this relationship if this will be my last one because I am just so afraid of pursuing a decent man. It probably doesn't help me at all that every man in my life has let me down on some way or form or done really horrible things to me.
But every time I try to be nice and friendly and approachable I feel shamed and nervous and I don't know what to do about this,,,
Hello.First of all, you shouldn't feel ashamed.You're not the only woman who feels the way you do.This is what you need to do...obviously you stated that you're in a relationship already but it's very toxic. There are very good decent men out there in the world BUT because of the situation you're in and how you feel about yourself...you will ALWAYS attract the toxic bad men because you're putting that sort of energy out there. You need to leave this toxic relationship and start working on you, you and more you. You need to put yourself 1st, find out who you are,realize that you need to be treated with respect always.Once you get a grip on yourself and who you are...then you will not be afraid of men in the fashion that you are now.
You can go the speedier way and talk to a counsellor until you understanding all the past situations in proper context regarding the whys and wherefores of having constantly been let down or you can do the practical route, which is learn how to better understand men and how they tick and when, by forming friendships with a couple of them. Do you have a female friend you can confide in, one who has male friends?
Last one, my bottom. Don't be so daft. Your urges will eventually mount until they mutineer you, anyway, as will then FORCE you to have to find ways to get over or get around your 'stagefright'.
Sorry it's quickie for now but I have to pop out. But I'm sure the others will chip in soon.
There we go - Purplekitty's arrived.
Hi ARTEMORTICIA -
i agree with SOULMATE, talking to a counselor can help you. They can help guide you and work on your self confidence and how you feel around men. Now when you say your relationship is toxic, you should definitely leave. I mean you are already in a toxic relationship, and i think the first step to making yourself happier is to leave that relationship and start fresh. You think that if you leave this relationship it will be your last one, that is not true at all! I am not sure how old you are but you have plenty of years ahead of you and you are bound to find someone new. Now this toxic relationship definitely has to end, because im going to be honest; from what you have been saying it doesn't seem like you are going to marry the man you are currently with.. so leave it. as soon as possible. it will only get harder the longer you wait. Someone will come along, and love you no matter how you feel around men because he will love you for who you are. And if you are trying to fix that issue, you can straight up tell men that you feel that way, they will help make you feel comfortable. If you don't want to do that then i definitely recommend a counselor that will help you fix your problem,.
I hope that helps and i wish you the best of luck !
I had to chuckle at the title. "Problems with Men..." Probably the most general and well known statement in the world. Men have problems with men... We have problems with ourselves! No lie... (0.0) seriously... (0.0)
Purplekitty is right, your issue here is confidence. Anyone can see, hear, feel and sense a lack of confidence within another. You know when a relative or someone close to you can walk into a room and if they're in a negative mood you can instantly tell just by their presence and its like navigating through a minefield just to get around them because you know one wrong word is going to make them explode? Ever wondered how we just automatically know without words being said or actions shown by the individual in question? Ever decide to find out?
Wellll I shall tell you. I'm actually confident your aware of it, but its called "body language." We speak it every waking minute. If your good you can even tell who someone is by how they walk and stand. Question that provide these answers would be like, how tall is the individual? In correlation to the individual's height how spaced are his/her's footsteps? (If they're long and strideful we can be assured that that individual knows where they're going and they're going with a purpose which tells us they are confident in their objective. I could break that down further and go into who they are personally even. If they're confident in a simple objective then they must have atleast to some extent, mastered that personality trait somewhere down the line so confidence is something that they have within themselves already to a degree and that's not all I could pull from that.)
So someone in your case who comes across as nervous and as you yourself said even sometimes shamed. It will be evident in how you operate from day to day. You stated you "clam up." That is a perfect example. Maybe you realize it or maybe you don't but that will also show in your body language unless you have trained yourself to show the opposite. So usually what that means is how you behave in public will be more defensive if your alone. There's really mainly two ways people can be defensive, aggressively or non-aggressively, I like to call it ablative. With others whom you trust I suspect your more open but your still not going to be what you would be if you were completely comfortable in your own skin. Now I won't lie, if you get alot of unwanted attention from men then I can almost guarantee you that its because you don't come across as a threat nor as someone who is intimidating. As a result you may come across as somewhat submissive be it mistaken or otherwise.
Now I'm aware that saying you may submissive may not be something you want to hear however, in the very first sentence you said you stated at the end, "so I'm sorry if a lot of my issues seem asinine or stupid." Do you know what I thought? You have an insecurity, which you confirmed only moments after that entered my thought. Because guess where your at, on a forum that's here TOO help you. So why are you apologizing for simply doing what this forum's for? I cannot tell you how many people have posted their own problems I know I have.
Sooo when I get down to the nitty and gritty i have to wholeheartedly agree with Purplekitty. It is your confidence within you that is betraying you and in a sense allowing you to be taken advantage of.
THE VERY LAST THING i forgot lol - You said that every man has let you down. Ok so if we're going to go off of by who lets us down, then that means we are putting expectations on others. And NO ONE is going to live up to your's or anyone else expectations. Its virtually impossible. There is no chance such as 1 out of 80 trillion that someone might succeed in living up to someones expectations, its impossible. UNLESS, the person who has the expectations let's go of the expectations they have towards another. Because what that does is takes all that stress and wonder and tosses it out the window and allows the person they once had the expectations for, to simply be accepted as who they are.
Please note I am NOT AT ALL saying, "You need to accept someone who betrays your trust and let them sleep with 8 women or what not." I am NOT saying that.
I AM saying, "Let them tell you who they are so you can have a better foundation to decide whether you love/like them or not."
All the above is obviously my opinion as to how to help gain you confidence.
Hello! I should say you, that I have the same problem. How I fight with it? I try to speak with men a lot, find new friends, and no matter, what they think about me. Of course I'm afraid, but it is the way to become more brave. Moreover, you should appreciate yourself. Why do you feel shamed and nervous? What do afraid of? There is nothing frighten. Try to read some articles, for example https://mymagicbrides.com/blog/what-do-we-know-about-respect-between-a-man-and-a-woman/.
I can really relate to this. I've been really socially awkward myself. "Practice makes perfect"
Just go out and talk to people. I know it's hard, and I know you'll probably get in some embarrassing situations. I know I sure have! But over time, I've gotten better. I've become more confident and skilled at socializing. It takes work, but it's worth it! Good lick!
She doesn't open up vert much I've taught her(Artemorticia)To be herself if nobody liked you for who you are then you don't need them she has a non emotional family and it kills me that they are not there mentally for her.her Dad only wants her around to benefit him and control her life doesn't want her to be on her own because he wants a maid for his house because he is to lazy to clean his house plus I'm so proud of her she got her licence and her father took her out to purchase a car a week or two goes by she gets to the say to get her car and her father changes his mind and doesn't get her car anywho back to the topic I don't know what she means by toxic but I treat artemorticia like she is my everything when i had a job I helped her save up $700 after a month that $700 was gone I asked her about it and she said she gave our roomate $100 for our roomates birthday and paid all the Bill's that we are supose to split 4 ways I love her vert much I have never mis treated her or never left her going hungry her family would cuss about her eating the grocery in the house but if she bought good they would eat it all I became homeless and had to sacrifice my meals so that she could still eat only my lack of work is toxic so eat I do mean 2 hot dog a bag of chips cigarettes and a drink I would still love her and hope for the best I never beat her or treated her bad