About 5 months ago, I got out of a serious long term relationship (6 years), which was arguably the most difficult experience of my life. About a month and half ago, I felt I was pretty much over the situation, and was having a good time in college and with friends, and I met an amazing girl through one of the engineering organizations on campus that I am very involved with. One day, when we were at a community service event, I started talking to her, and the conversation just flowed effortlessly. We had so much in common, and had interesting conversations. That continued throughout the day and when everyone left, I felt that I still wanted to keep talking to her. So, later that night, I got her number from a friend and texted her. She told me later that she was almost expecting it also, and we texted into the night, mostly driven by her, because I didn't want to seem overly eager.
All the while, I kind of knew that she had a boyfriend but didn't know the whole situation...but she kept talking to me and acting interested, so I kept it going as well. It was her texting me every day...I never would initiate it. Eventually, we talked about the relationship stuff and I spilled my guts about everything that had happened in my previous relationship, and about how we just weren't right for each other, and we had different interests and goals in life, and just drifted apart. Apparently this resonated with her, because she admitted that many of those same things were what she was feeling in her relationship of 4+ years. She desired to be with someone who had drive and determination, and was interested in similar things, and could carry on a long interesting conversation. She went so far as telling me that she thinks that she might have just settled and stayed with her first and only love.
We eventually started hanging out in person outside of school, and continued to have a great time together...easily making each other laugh and smile, and just having fun. I was respectful of the quasi-"just-friends" situation and didn't make any moves. Her boyfriend would be trying to call or text while we were hanging out and she would just ignore it. Her texts became more playful and amorous towards me, which was promising. We hung out three days in a row right before Christmas break from school, and I gave her a hug and told her to let me know what was going on. The next day, she sent me a message saying that she had made a decision, and had taken care of what she needed to, but was very emotionally drained and would text me when she was ready. I thought obviously she had broken up with her boyfriend, which I had been expecting all along...
Well, a couple days pass...five to be exact....and I finally hear from her...but it's not the good news I had been waiting on. She said that she couldn't pursue anything between us anymore. She had in fact broken up with her boyfriend, but couldn't let him go for more than a day..and that she still had feelings for him. She asked me to consider being friends with her still because I motivate her and she likes talking to me. I was crushed....devastated...even though I had only really known her for a little more than a month, she was everything I was looking for in a girl. I tried to maintain some semblance of what we had previously, by texting her like normal, just not talking about relationship stuff. It's gotten harder and harder though, and I think I can't draw the line at being just friends. I keep thinking there has to be some way to crack the code..to get her to see and feel what she was before...She obviously knows what she really wants, but it seems like the emotions of being back home and thinking about her boyfriend couldn't let her do it. From all accounts she's told me, this guy sounds totally wrong for her, but they do have a long history, which I'm finding out may not be easy to detach from. So...I'm wondering if there is any advice for turning things back in my favor, or if I should just cut the losses and move on...which I've been trying to do, but it hasn't worked out so well yet.
She still keeps texting me and trying to talk about all the stuff we would before...like fitness, working out, school stuff, etc...and I respond, but I can't help but feel she's supplementing her relationship with me as just a friend. I don't even think she has told her boyfriend about me to be honest. I have talked to and texted a few other girls since then, but I can't help but compare them to her, and they just don't have it...so it's hard to pursue anything when I know it's not what I really want.
Any advice or similar situations? We're about to be back in school again, and I don't know whether I should try to keep her close, and start doing things together again as "just-friends", or just move on and tell her I can't be friends anymore.
I think you should cut your losses, and I think you probably know that even if you don't want it to be true. You don't want to be just her friend, and she is clearly not willing to break things off with her bf and give it a shot with you. If she's telling you she still has feelings for her boyfriend, you need to respect that. The longer you hang around waiting for her to change her mind, the harder it will be to move on.
I was in a somewhat similar situation myself- became friends with a guy who was in a relationship of a couple of years. His girlfriend was away at college and as they were growing apart, we were growing closer. Even when they broke up, he couldn't be with me. I don't know if he felt guilty for having feelings for me while they were still together (even though we never acted on it), or if he just needed time to get over the relationship, but it was just never going to happen for us. I think it's pretty rare for those kinds of situations to work out well.
I'm thinking you're mostly right about things. About 3 weeks ago, I would have disagreed, because I still felt it was some sort of code I could crack, and make things work out in my favor. But now, I am starting to realize it's only stringing me along. Even though she keeps bugging me to be friends with her and saying that if we can both just move past what happened, she thinks it would work out great. But what I had with her is what I want from a significant other, and not just a friend. I think I could do it, but all the while I'd have the wrong ideas in my head, which isn't healthy for me.