Struggling with girlfriends past
Hi, I was hoping to get some advice on the problem I am facing in my relationship. I have been with this girl for about 4 months now. The 1st 2 months were amazing as we were getting to know each other and spending time on dates ect.. due to previous relationships I have tried to stay clear from girls with a big past/been with lots of guys for many reasons 1 of them being the type of girl they end up being isn't what Id see a future with and 2. I just hate the thought of being with someone who has had a past like that. Anyways.. the 1st 2 months we got to know each other and i was assured by here that she was this angelic quiet girl who was against promiscuous behaviors. the moment it all started to go wrong was quite soon in when she began bringing up ex boyfriends. This would be on the phone, on our 1st few dates...soon after this i gently asked her to re frame from doing it and focus on the here and now and on us.. to which she said she should be able to talk about it. Soon after one evening she calls me to tell me she is going for a drink with some friends, one being a guy to which she tells me she was seeing a couple years ago. although i felt abit uncomfortable with it I said have a good night and off she went. The next evening she invited me and my friend for a game of pool where this old boyfriend of hers worked. It was all fine but as we left she gave him a hug and a kiss which didn't make me feel uncomfortable until the next day when i thought... i wonder how she would of reacted to this. Later that evening i called her and asked.. she couldn't see a problem and basically said she can get away with it because she is a 'huggy' person where as i'm not so i couldn't get away with it if it was me around an ex.. this is where the problems started. Soon after i began over thinking this and it got me down... the more times me and my girl went out the more id hear about previous relationships until i realized i was counting these ex's up in my head!before long it was past 10 and my anxiousness began to take its toll. A couple weeks later i was confronted at my job by 2 girls who asked me if i was with this girl.. obviously i replied yes and at that point was warned away from her with them saying she was a cheater and 'got about'and that she had cheated on their male friend. I felt sick but decided to tell my girlfriend that this had happened to which she had a go at me saying i was disgusting for letting them talk about her that way. I began hearing other things about this girl which brought me down even more...each time i did she would have a go at me if i told her. A big part of this is that she actually had a boyfriend when we met who was 10 years older than we are and she was the one who started contacting me..she was very clingy from the word go saying she could see a future with me ect.. even tho she was still with this guy.. i didn't sleep with her or anything but we were talking a lot.. one evening I invited her over for food and her response was that all her morals would go out the window if she did! (I only remember this as i looked back through old messages the other night) she did come over and we didn't have sex but she did do other things..she told me she had moved out of his the day before this happened.soon after she left him and i pretty much got with her straight away. Anyway back to present..
I began to feel like this girl wasn't the quiet decent girl with morals that i thought she was and what i fell for.. just before Xmas she asked me if i had ever had a gay experience to which i replied no and then said why have you? she went on to tell me she was having a snowball fight with a girl and they began to kiss then took it back to her apartment where they took ti up a notch... i felt so sick i had to walk out the room. We argued for the entire day about it..soon after she told me how many people she had slept with.. she told me she had never had a one night stand but here number is close to 20 guys.. and she said she had done stuff with more guys that didn't end in sex...so it could be 30+ who knows..
One more thing is that my previous girlfriend cheated on me with this guy one night on the town.. This same guy popped up on my new girlfriends facebook close to when we started dating. I asked my current girlfriend if she had ever been with him and she said no but they had kissed when they were about 12 which made me laugh and i never brought it up again. On new years eve after leaving our meal she accidentally rang a number in her pocket.. it was this guy.. she hung up the phone and i looked at her and said why do you have his number? you never got with him did you? to which she grinned and told me she had given him oral sex when she was about 14.. my anxiety got so bad that i was sick in a local bar straight after. She came out to see me outside the bar and said ''If you think im this angelic girl well im not'', ive slept with lots of people, ive done stuff with guys after a couple dates, ive been with girls..and gave me the option to walk away. I didnt as we decided to try and make it work but my head is so screwed up because this girl who made out she was quiet and what not is starting to appear the complete opposite.
do I try to overcome all this or should i just walk away? might i add all of this stress has put me in counselling and anti-depressants!
In her head: "How bad can I be before he pushes me away?"
Only you can decide. She sure is causing you alot of anguish. Is she worth it?
I agree with Susie. This is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety and it doesn't seem she's very concerned with how you're feeling. I'm not looking at it from a place of anyone being right or wrong in this situation. You both have histories and histories impact and effect our present moments. Your ex cheating on you already has you at a disadvantage and deserving of a little compassion and patience. You're definitely pretty hyper-vigilant at this point about asking what her relationship is and has been with pretty much everyone she knows and that probably has her feeling judged and maybe questioning her own behaviors, which seems uncomfortable for her.
It seems is that this has emotionally exhausted you, effected your ability to function (counseling, medication), and it's probably best for you to tell to her and let her know that this relationship has gotten to a place where the negative impact is outweigh the positive and that you care about her, but you need to focus on taking care of yourself and getting grounded and balanced for a while. She may have presented a persona to draw you in, and she may have just been trying to live in the moment and just be who she is in any moment. That's hard to say, but the reality is that she doesn't seem compassionate toward your experience or feelings and that's deal-breaker.
My opinion is that you should kindly break up with her and make it about yourself and not her. Just say that you two aren't a good fit. And then you need to work on not obsessing over who she has been with, who she's talking to, who she may be with in the future, and work on yourself. Get yourself balanced back out. You'll be tempted to look at her Facebook and "find things out" but I hope that when you have those feelings, you can decide to do something else. Do something for yourself. Call a friend and chat. Go play some basketball - do something fun. And wait for the feelings to be less intense and for your mind to become less attached to thoughts of what she's doing and has done and more focused on what you can do for yourself to be a happier person.
You two seem to want different kinds of relationships and have very different needs. Break free and get yourself put back together and when you're feeling better about yourself, get back out there and date again.