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Fight with mother in law

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Relationship advice Guys,

I had big fight with mother in law who was visiting us for few months.
I always believed she influences my wife too much, interferes in our most decisions and also constantly nagging me. Yesterday I lost my cool and told her not to visit us again and also she is probably trying to break our(me and my wife) relationship.

Offcourse this was in anger and totally lost control. I apologized later ..but seems they will never forget it...I feel guilty but same time I don't want her to ineterfere too much in my life.
I shud have handled it more gracefully.

ST_1

Fight with mother in law

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Sounds like you've had a lot of pent up frustration and resentment and lashed out. It happens and I'm sorry you're going through all the feelings that come from not only being in a difficult situation and not knowing how to resolve it, but now you've done something that didn't help your cause at all.

So.

First of all, just breathe and know that everyone makes mistakes. You're not perfect and it's okay to not always handle things the best way you can. Own that you don't like the way you behaved, apologize for it and let them know you'll work on improving that. Tell them you have been frustrated and since you haven't known how to resolve the situation, you let your frustration get the best of you in that moment, but your goal is to work on it all together and mend what has been damaged. Ask them for input on how to resolve it, and even see if they'd be willing to see a family counselor with you.

You definitely deserve to be heard and have your feelings and wants acknowledged. Even if the only thing that can happen is compromise from all parties, that's still better than misunderstandings, fragmented relationships and feeling like not everyone supports your marriage.

Think about what you want and what you need. Areas you're willing to compromise, and talk to them to try and find some resolution.

Fight with mother in law

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ST_1,

The first step should be understanding fully consciously what precisely went on here.

You don't expect to be constantly challenged, criticised and undermined in your own house and marriage, do you. I mean, if someone at a house party of yours passive-aggressively-deliberately or even carelessly/thoughtlessly did a ruddy great poo on your cream-coloured carpet and neither apologised there and then, let alone immediately cleaned it up without even having to be asked, you'd not only be considered entitled and reasonable to demand they leave your house but would expect THEM to offer the later olive branch (AND foot the cleaning bill). Wouldn't you? Certainly that's where the onus lies on any sane, objective level so - 'more gracefully', my arse. There's nothing more graceful than being the one to apologise when it was the other person's 'crime' and 'time' in the first place!

Who's the adult here? Relatively speaking - SHE is more than you are. Or so evidence demonstrates she'd have everyone including you believe (when it suits her, I should add). I mean, she can't have it BOTH ways - one minute forcibly purporting, behaviourally, to be your superior when it comes to knowing how things should be done - even under YOUR ROOF - yet the next minute, denying the responsibility that goes WITH that wholly contrived power position, can she, because power and responsibility go hand-in-hand. So, yes, she's obviously embracing the opportunity this fight represents in order to better widen any gap between you and your wife, which must mean either she herself hasn't got a clue how to resolve conflicts in any mature manner or she does but is simply too fixated on not losing her erstwhile status with her precious daughter to be capable of thinking straight.

It's her problem and then your wife's problem after that, yours third. But [1] MIL is making it yours and [2] daughter is, by the sounds of it, letting that onerousness remain the case.

Specifically, MIL's (common) problem is this: she feels redundant, no longer needed, where her daughter's concerned now that you're on the scene, hence is low-grade panicking which is coming out as constantly trying to be helpful and depended upon yet getting tinged with [1] resentment at you having "taken her baby away from her" and [2] and over-vying for your wife's emotional dependency as if it's some sort of competition. Yes, yes, sorry for her, blah-blah, but that's NOT how civilized grown-ups of her age and stage handle it.

Furthermore, someone with a more sensible and mature outlook would see it that although she'd lost a prior position/status, compensation comes in the form of ***GAINING A SON***.

Ideally, if MIL isn't fixing things (nor even trying to meet you halfway despite it wasn't even your onus to begin with), then it falls to your wife to fix due to the fact it's HER MOTHER, meaning, she should be the one impressing the need upon her mum to catch up with the new programme: her now coming SECOND in the queue (as nature always intended).

So what *is* your wife doing? Nothing? Hiding behind you? I mean, I can understand the reasons WHY she might be sat there like a relational chocolate teapot, because obviously, with a mother like that she'll have to whatever degree become kittenified over the years. But here's the rub: part and parcel of becoming a bona fide adult *IS* to a large degree being prepared to replace your old, default pack with your own, new, independently chosen one, whereupon everyone knows instinctively to change seats. Emphasis on 'know' because grown adults should be AWARE of this tacit and logical life/developmental demand. Otherwise/if not, you, the now-mature offspring, should be intellectually equipped to be prepared to ASSERT this new status quo whereby mother would (despite still being *called* 'Mum') be embracing her new role of older, uber-close friend and grandmother-to-be.

In other words, the point of raising a child is so THAT they'll leave you in one sense and add you in another - called teaching them to be independent. It is NOT for selfish, self-centred reasons like staving off a need to build or recreate a life of one's own. And the point of independence is being capable to befittingly respond to this typical new-situational challenge. If one (daughter) cannot, then frankly one shouldn't have had the temerity to climb into the dressing-up box and emerge wearing a Wife outfit. Berbom.

So what *is* your wife doing about this situation OF HERS as affects/detriments your emotional welfare?

Finally (for now) understand this: assuming you didn't whack MIL with a frying-pan or anything else that over-the-top - that you in the first place would claim you should have handled it more gracefully (as if you were some kind of saint or martyr) is the very 'adult inadequacy' *you* possess as has people (this case, MIL) trying to forcibly (this case, under-the-table) usurp your natural, circumstantially-given authority in the FIRST place.

So - burning question: aside from wife's kittenification, what is/was it about YOU AND YOUR conduct that convinced MIL her takeover (or re-gain) campaign would stand a chance in the first place? Did you perhaps let things slide for far too long as resulted in this inevitable showdown? I.e., do you tend to go from Under-assertive (non-prevention) to Over-assertive (avoidable clean-up job) and nothing in between?

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-1