My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years and just got engaged 4 months ago. Our entire relationship has been mostly wonderful, but from time to time I have doubts about whether or not I should TRUELY be in this relationship with this man.
I know he does love me and would never lay a hand on me to harm me physically. He's been in relationships before where he asked the girl to marry him...I never really knew the outcome of that lol but it was a red flag for me and so I was skeptical.
My fiancé is only 2 years older than me and he didn't exactly have the best childhood, as he was physically abused by his step mother and practically abandoned by his mother until he was 15. And from that he has trust issues, and he doesn't like meeting new people and as a result, whenever I ask him to visit my parents with me he barely ever wants to. And I get upset and he gets upset with me for getting UPSET! So I end up going by myself and just telling my parents that he's at work or something.
I went to get my nose pierced and he didn't want to go. I've told him that I feel like I have an invisible fiancé, and he just makes it sound like I shouldn't expect him to spend time with my family, that he wants to just relax on his days off. I tell him that that's a part of being a couple and being an adult lol Granted, he rarely ever goes over to his own mother's house, but still. It's important to me that he spend time with them as I have young sisters, and a HUGE family that has every right meet the man I'm in a serious relationship with, and my family is a HUGE part of my morals, I am very family oriented.
As a requirement for him to be able to ask me to marry him I said he had to ask my father first because thats the way I was raised and I know my father is old fashioned and would be very hurt if he hadn't asked first. He didn't want to and fought me for some time about why he should have to ask, even though I explained it to him multiple times. And then when he finally did propose it wasn't even special...it wasn't exactly a surprise as we'd talked about engagement before, I just wanted him to do something special...he talked a big game like he was planning something and that I "won't even see it coming" but when he just...did it, and his mom wanted to see him propose, he didn't even wait for her. I had to make him get down on one knee, and when he did he complained that his knee hurt.
He is very intelligent, and sometimes he talks about how if he has a kid he hopes it comes out like him because then he knows it would be smart. And it ankles me feel as though he doesn't think that I's smart. He has wanted to go to school for a few different things, first it was to be a Life-flight pilot, then it was business management, and now he wants to go for pediatrics. I am going to be a labor and delivery nurse.
Whenever I talk about something, he doesn't say anything most of the time lately and I have to ask him if he heard me for him to respond...with a reiteration of what I said and a short reply. I live with him currently and he doesn't really make an attempt to clean the house at all. He says he's going to...but then barely ever does.
Our sex life isn't the best, it's just not exciting for me anymore and I find myself less attracted to him sometimes, and then other times I just TRUELY do not feel like it and he has a high sex drive. And the he gets upset and makes me feel like crap for not wanting to have sex with him. I feel like if I'm not satisfying him he will be more inclined to leave...as he always says that I need to work on being more sexual...but that isn't the problem. I'm self conscious about my body, along with some things in my past that have hindered my sex drive from getting very high, and I'm hurt because it seems like he's just in it to please himself, and not because it's special to him for he and I to be physically intimate.
He plays video games all day, well at least all the free time he has anyway. Especially on his days off. I got a new tattoo ( my biggest piece so far with multiple colors) and for most of it he barely wanted to hold my hand. I got him an Xbox one for Christmas this year with the money he got from a bonus at work and 100 or so from my check and he only come inside of its convenient like if he has to pee ( the system is in the garage so he can smoke and play at the same time), or get something to eat.
He smokes 3 packs of cigarettes or more a week. Which is expensive! And I've mentioned to him that he should start cutting back because of how expensive they are and he says he will and never does. He doesn't spend money like crazy...which is a good thing. But our finances haven't been in the best shape and whenever we talk about the just has a "don't worry about it" approach...which can be a good thing to keep him for being stressed...but it makes me more stressed.
It makes my anxiety worse sometimes. And I go into a depression and when he notices that I am severely upset he calls me a "Debby downer" in a joking way...trying to make me laugh and maybe feel better...but he always comments on how negative I can be and that its "starting to get to him."
We're arguing more and more lately...holiday stress partly, but there's something more to it than that. Clearly. I just would like some serious advice as to whether or not my doubts aren't misplaced. I'm re-thinking whether or not he and I should post-pone the wedding and just take time to work on the relationship, or should I just muster up the courage to call off the engagement?? Are my feelings legitimate? I'm confused and hurting.
I realize that I have my own flaws too, and that there are things about myself I can work on to adapt in a relationship more effectively...but I could really use some insight and words of wisdom here if anyone has some to give :) thank you in advance, and sorry for the length...but I feel that it's all important.
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through such a stressful and difficult situation. Your doubts are definitely NOT misplaced, and in fact, I think you're being incredibly wise to have them and to be re-considering the engagement/wedding.
Let that sink in.
It seems you've really gone above and beyond here to communicate what's important to you, what your needs are, and where you're willing to compromise. His responses seem to be pretty half-assed (sorry for the language) and there are tons of huge red flags just in your post here, so I'm sure there's a lot more to the story. Also, I respect that you're willing to acknowledge that you're not perfect either and have things to work on as well.
My opinion here is that you should definitely talk to someone you can confide in, who knows him, too, and is willing to be objective and fair to you both. This relationship isn't meeting your needs, and you're already feeling dragged down and unhappy, so charging right ahead toward wedding bells doesn't seem very intelligent! Get some perspective, talk to some friends or family members who you know and you have to risk being honest. I recognize already that you've lied about him to cover up his behavior. That isn't helping you, him, or your relationship, OR the relationship that you want.
It's time to get real and get down with it. You're considering marrying this man. It's worth taking the time, effort and risk (which is what has stopped you from facing or telling the truth) of losing him, to unpack the reality of your relationship and how you can rebuild it to be something healthier and more sustaining. This is not a time to be planning a wedding, but a time of re-evaluation and thinking about why you've lied for him, why you've compromised so much when you've gotten so little back, and why you're even thinking about marrying him. I imagine it's because you've come this far already and it's embarrassing to have to talk about the hard things. You'll thank yourself in the long run because if he isn't willing to listen, acknowledge your feelings, make changes and compromises - as you have been willing to do - then you will be saving yourself from a future full of resentment, discontentment, and a much harder time than the one you're in.
It's worth the vulnerability and risk. You are worth it, and your relationship is worth it. And if it's all worth it to him, too, then he will stand right there with you and be courageous enough to also be honest, vulnerable, and open to working and fixing things.
Hope this is helpful, and good luck!
Thank you both so much, I spoke with my best friend (and potential maid of honor) and she has given me some similar advice. As she knows my fiancé as well. It's just been so hard because I live with him and our lease isn't up until next fall, and (I know this will sound bad) but I feel like I would be screwing him over if I just leave and not pay rent there anymore. But I am truely not very happy. I'd like to work on the issues he and I have...but it's getting to the point where I'm just tired of putting in all the effort and him not even caring hardly at all. I mean...I share a room with this man. A bed. All our things are together. I never anticipated it would get this bad. There is a lot of thinking I have to do for sure. But I appreciate all of the help. Thank you.
Be proud of yourself. Talking to your friend is extremely healthy and good!! I'm so glad you did. Lean on your support network because you will need them.
You're falling into the same old trap about putting his needs before your own. It's not your responsibility to make sure he's taken care of. It's your responsibility to take care of yourself and make sure the people in your life have your best interests in mind.
So, I advise you to reconsider staying there until the lease is up. Stay with your friend for a few days and try to work out solutions that work for your sense of integrity and for the healing of your soul. You can help him find a room-mate, you can also, just stay with a friend or family member for a while until you know the best thing to do. But staying in that dynamic in the meantime will only serve to confuse and hurt you further and inhibit the good strides you've already made.
Keep going! Believe in yourself and worry more about you. You want to be compassionate toward him and that's a good thing. The problem is you're too compassionate. He needs to get his own stuff together and that's not your problem, as harsh as that sounds.