What do I do?
Charlie and I used to work together. Towards the end of my time working at the office, he and I got closer and we were flirting (a lot).
It basically got to a point that after two months or so, our mutual friends thought we were an item BUT it was never made official. So we had a chat about it and that didn't go too well. He told me he didn't trust me (at all) and I was completely shocked. I somehow felt used and cheated in a way. I couldn't make sense of it because I basically stayed at his place more than in my own home and I even stopped seeing other people or being open to seeing other guys since I was really into him and "us".
Charlie said the reason why he wasn't able to make anything official or be certain about anything was because he didn't trust me. He said that I'm an amazing person and I treat him well and we have great sex (and a whole load of other compliments) but he doesn't trust me. Why even tell me I'm a great person and that you feel you can fall for me, but then tell me u don't, and can't trust me (if I never even did anything wrong to you!)?
We were never exclusive and he was always on tinder even when I was at his place and it made me feel so cheap. Like he's getting in touch with loads of girls and then keeping me around at the same time. Then he tells me he doesn't talk to other girls but I see that his phone keeps popping up with notifications on chats that are coming from different girls from chat apps he says he apparently doesn't use. Of course I don't bring all this up to him in our conversation because I'm not trying to attack him with "proof" and start an argument but I just don't get what's the point of all this? He's even introduced me to his family (on Skype) and to me that's a big deal.
So after that conversation we weren't exactly the same and we went further apart and he thought it would be best to not talk anymore because being close was just making it more difficult to be certain, it was also right before he was gonna head back for Christmas holidays for a month. 2 weeks before he left we were completely silent (no texts, or calls or anything), and I decided to message him before his flight off to say bye and to let him know how I felt for him. To my surprise he replied and then I let him be to have his head space to figure things out (since he was saying he was confused about us). 1 week after complete silence number 2, he asked how I was doing and said he was talking about me to a friend of his. Since that day (December 15th 2014) we were chatting and talking more than we did when he was physically back here.
Since that date, there was no more radio silence and we communicated a lot and he got to a point where he started opening up (a little) and said he missed me and that it would be good if we could have chat when he's back regarding his likes/dislikes/concerns/et cetera about us and if I'm still into him after that, "then maybe......" - and he just left it at that. He got back almost 1 week ago and from how he seemed so close to me when he was away, I thought he'd be more excited to be spending some time with me. He said he was going to take an extra day off when he got back and I was so excited because I figured we'd be able to spend some time to talk and whatnot. Instead he tells me the night he got back that he'll be heading to work the next day. It's like all the things he said when he was away, and all that was when he was gone, was like a different person. Now it's back to the same confusing thing.
I offered to get him at the airport and he said that "it's ok" and decided to just cab it for almost an hour back to his place from the airport instead. When he got home he invited me over and said to bring some clothes over and I ended up staying at his place for almost the whole week (except the weekend since I stay at my parents' during then). I'm just now back home and I've realized that not once, has he mentioned anything about how nice it is to see me, or how he missed me, or anything. It's like all his closeness disappeared on the flight back. It just seems weird to me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know whether I should give him more time, have anymore hope that this will even go anywhere, or what? I feel like I'm missing someone who doesn't exist. It really hurts.
He wasn't even that cuddly or close to me. We'd have some physical "activity" and then apart from that, that's it. No real quality bonding time, no real meaningful conversations. Nothing. Instead, there I was at his place thinking "what should I cook for him tonight that he may enjoy?", "I can't wait to cuddle with him", "yay some us time"... which ended up with me just doing stuff for him sincerely and him not really showing any real interest back.
He broke up with his ex in August and we've been close right away till now. So that's nearly 6 months! I don't know anymore. Am I just being taken for granted? Is this all just a stupid game? It really hurt being away from him for a month and then when we finally get to be together, he's mostly staring at his phone playing games or whatever.
It's like he has moments when he wants to be sort of close to me and playful but then, back to being quiet and distant.
Look at his actions and not so much his words. This guy still has to get over his ex properly and you are basically a rebound. He misses your company while he's away but when he's with you he just expects you to be his friend with benefits while he sorts through his life.
Plenty of people do this, both genders, but you need to realize that the confusion and hurt that you are experiencing is mainly your own making because you allow him to treat you the way he does by continuing to be 'with' him. You're correct when you ask about a stupid game because you are just being played.
As for him saying that he doesn't trust you, and then turn around and go online to chat to other girls in front of you is just one big slap in the face for you. This very action should tell you what sort of a guy he is.
I'm sorry, but you need to move on and find someone who is ready, willing and able to treat you with respect.
Thanks for your response. Yes I do feel that he needs to get over his ex and quite honestly I don't know if he's actually over her yet. Since he's been back he's not been chatting away to girls or adding new girls (almost everyday) on fb like he used to, and I'm not sure if that's a good change for me and us, or if it's just some temporary thing because he's been away and that he'll get back into adding new girls to his fb and just going completely back to square one with me.
I know I'm bringing this onto myself. What I don't know is for how long I should hold on to this and how much hope I should keep having. I guess if I hadn't fallen for him it wouldn't really matter but the fact is, I have and that's why we had to have a talk and the space. I guess I just thought after being away from each other for that while he'd be different when he got back.
Yes you're correct, absence should make the heart grow fonder but the the heart needs to be in the right place. This guy's heart is not with you 100%. To be frank, going by your post, this guy has no business whatsoever trying be 'with' you, when his heart, although hurting, is elsewhere.
If he's not over his ex, then he needs to admit it and be strong enough and true to himself to keep people like you safe. It's natural to flirt and try to 'make it all good for ourselves' after a breakup, but the mature people of us know to keep their distance from others while getting over a breakup. Yes, I know there's advice out there that says we should hook up with someone else straight away after a breakup but its people like yourself who get hurt and damaged by some other person's one eyed selfishness.
You need to ask yourself how long you should hold on for because your instinct (gut) will be talking to you and deep down you will know how this will pan out. Ask yourself just how much of that love you have for him is coming back to you. When the head, the heart and the gut line up, it's perfect. When they're out of sync, then listen to your gut because it's always right!
Why wait for someone who has betrayed you right from day one with a unworthy statement of lacking trust for you (your reaction was a cheated and used feeling) when you could be enjoying your life with someone else who puts you on a pedestal?