Facebook Banner 001

Do I Forgive Him?

Posted by
CONFLICTED
on Jan 11 2015 at 22:23
Member since: 11 January 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I have been dating one guy for almost 4 years now. We have had our ups and downs but always made it through them. Back in October we had a pretty nasty breakup as he kissed another girl at an event while we were still together. I forgave him. He said he needed time to be single and do things on his own. He also said he would not be hooking up with other people. This continued to change. By the begging of November, he said we should take a break from talking for a week. We did. After that week, we met and talked and he said he did not want to lose me and he wouldnt give up on us. However, we decided to work on things while staying single instead of rushing into something. Off and on during this time we would go between wanting us to needing or having the urge to be with other people before he would know about it. We would still spend all our time together. We still would have sex and he would always tell me I should be happy about it since he hasnt hooked up with anyone else. He did however make out with another girl whom he ended things with and told her he just wanted to be friends since we were working on things. The same ups and downs continued up until decemeber when I caught him grinding with the girl he made out with, his "friend". He ignored me the whole night at that event after promising he wouldnt. He finally replied to me at 3 in the morning saying he didnt want us anymore. He wanted that girl and many others. I didnt talk to him at all the next day. He ended up texting me saying how much he loves me and he will always be here for me. I ignored him. He sent another text after saying it wasnt the drugs or alcohol making him want to say this (we were at a music festival). I still ignored him. He then emailed me saying something along the same lines. I still ignored him. Around 2 at night he facebook messaged me saying how much he wanted to talk to me, still ignored him. I finally replied the next morning and he said how sorry he was and the drugs made his decision the first night seem like a good idea. He said he didnt do anything with any other girls at the event on the second night. He left the afterparty early and told his "friend" she couldnt come over anymore, he wanted the night to himself. He then continued to ask if we could still go to the new years rave in seattle together, I said no. He asked if I could come over in the evening, I originally said no. I changed my mind in the evening. I told him I would not be in his life if he still had these girls in his. He told his friend I was what I wanted and he couldnt talk to her anymore. He deleted and blocked all of their numbers. We went to the new years rave together. He sincerely apologized for everything. He said he is 100% commited to me now. He knows he wants us. I was still iffy about this but I accepted his apology. We had an amazing night together. Hooked up and like usual he said he never did this with anyone else. I should be happy about that right? The weekend after we both got sick and decided to stay at his place all weekend cuddle, watch movies and just relax in general. We had an amazing time until sunday. I wanted to know what happened during all those months. Get it all out on the table and move on. He was very secretive about who and what happened. I had to force answers out of him. He hooked up with a girl a few weeks after we broke up (during the week he said we shouldnt talk) he also was sexually involved with another girl during that time. He didnt have sex with her though. She gave him a blowjob in his car etc. I was heart broken to hear this. For months he had been lying to me and saying he never did this with anyone else. I told him before I couldn't handle that and it is honestly so hard to think about him with those two girls. He says he loves me. He says I am better than both of them (didnt want to say that originally though). Sex is not just something physical to me and this is why its so hard to move past it. We didnt see eachother for a week. Went to a family dinner to celebrate his parents 2oth anniversary. I could barely look him in the eye the whole time. After dinner, we had some time to ourselves. We ended up making out which led to us hooking up. All I could think about was the other girl. How do I ever look at him the same way? He is my first for everything. First boyfriend and only boyfriend. We have an amzing connection. We get along on so many levels but I dont know if its worth it anymore. How do I move past this? What could he do to make up for this? (He says he will be the guy that I deserve now) What would you do in this situation? It seems impossible to cut him out of my life after so long. I don't know what to do.
Do I Forgive Him?
Reply from
REBECCA
on Jan 11 2015 at 23:10
Member since: 11 January 2015
I've been in a relationship for three years and he is my first for everything so I understand how much you want things to work but the way he has you treated is horrible. Having somebody lie to you and do anything sexual with other people while they're apparently "in love" with you is heartbreaking. You need to weigh up how much you think he wants to make it work with you. If you really love him and want to make it work and you believe he does to then you need to lay down the law but this will never be something you will ever forget and it'll always be brought back up. You need to ask yourself when everything seems okay over time are you going to be able to handle after the smallest argument about anything - this will pop into your head and you'll want to use the fact he lied against him and you'll just get caught going round in circles. Me and my boyfriend did drugs when we were first together and I've stopped completely clean but he still does it for parties festivals or whatever.. Never bothered me BUT they do effect peoples personalities and mood swings and that can't be doing anything for your relationship and that's something you should say to him. All the above you've written down you and whatever else you're paranoid, hurt, worried, angry about.. You need to tell him! See what he has to say for himself and whether he is willing to show you he's changed and how he'll show you.

Personally I think you should explain to him that the lies and behaviour he's shown you has really hurt you and made you feel like you can't trust him. Dont make the mistake of going in all guns blazing (as much as you'd probably like to because I would) just make him know that you're deeply hurt and tell him now you need space! You don't have to make any promises to him about staying faithful, I wouldn't even mention it but if he does then tell him that 'this isn't about sex or going off with other people, it's about me needing space away from the one person who was supposed to love me' and seriously take a step back and keep busy and just get used to living your life with just you! You will miss him like crazy and it'll hurt but you need to just let him know what it feels like. Dont reply to any texts or calls. Make him do some leg work! He's treated you like nothing and expects you to just take "I'm sorry". Dont let him walk all over you. When you've had some time apart you'll know what you'll want to do. If he's not calling, texting or turning up at your door then you know he's not willing to work for your relationship and what's the point of you trying when he wont. If he does anything remotely bad in this time apart, he's not worth your time. He's already took four years of your life up, don't let him take anymore because trust me when I say: YOU WILL REGRET IT. all the best. hope this helps but whatever you decide to do just make sure you're happy you owe it to yourself xxx

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?