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What am I doing?

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Other advice Be aware.. This MAY be a tad long..

I am a male, mid 20's, no degree, no car, and debt that I just can't seem to escape.
For a while, I have been working dead end jobs making little of anything. Out of high school, I enlisted in the armed forces, but was separated after being diagnosed with a couple of personality disorders. Since then, I have had my hands in numerous fields. Security and loss prevention, to machine shop, to various retail positions (including shift lead), to sales, to call center, to cook, to computer repair, to camera operator for small film production company. Now I drive a 1 ton flatbed truck and work in a warehouse. For the majority of those, I eventually found myself miserable while being employed at whatever place.. It is happening again. I know I should be happy to have SOMEthing, but I just can't shake this feeling.

I find myself just downright depressed as it comes time for me to go to bed so that I may have some sleep for work in the early morning. This is how it has happened before. It starts out okay, then some nonsense may happen. It could be an unreasonable manager, what have you. After something such as that happens, I mentally clock out. With every passing day, my morale and motivation diminishes. I start to feel a little sorry for myself and wonder why I am not doing what I want to do. Why I am still stuck at dead end jobs. My grandparents give me a ride to work (I drive) and sometimes I think, "I could just run this car into that ditch and not have to go in". However, I wouldn't put a passenger in danger because of my feelings about something that has got nothing to do with them.

I spend a lot of time daydreaming and acting out random things in my head, in the shower, while driving at work. Sometimes I will recite lines and pretend I am in an action movie or video game. It kind of serves as an escape (I suppose), but I have to snap out of it some time. I also attend anime conventions a good bit and am hit with post convention blues every time. I guess because that is also an escape of mine and the thought that I have to go back to whatever job I have gotten so tired of kills my spirits. I just want to be happy with my work. Hell, even if I have to make the same amount of money, I just want to be happy. I have tried. I have given sporting chances to plenty of fields, but it's always the same. How do people find jobs into which they love going everyday? I just want a decent work environment and to not be depressed about going in to my job.

I really want to travel the world as I have wanderlust in it's purest form, but I am still stuck here. I will look up out at the night sky and look for planes just to guess where they are going. Then I'll go inside and just get lost in pictures of beautiful scenery from around the world.. It's the closest thing I have. And in case you were wondering, I have tired college, but needed to start working full time and haven't have the funds since.. Not to mention I have a problem with doing copious amounts of homework. I have always had a big problem with not doing homework, but I am excellent with tests..

Before I get too sidetracked, what should I do? I don't usually like asking people for big advice like this, but my motivation, morale, and happiness have simmered again. I know that in 12 hours, I will be back to that and that has gotten me in the most somber of moods. Has anyone ever felt like me? How did you escape? Oh yeah, and sometimes I think about learning about and taking up freelance photography, but I get discouraged when I see the cost of a decent enough camera. And I often search for writing jobs on Craigslist, but you almost always need a degree. If I had a flexible job where I could sustain a modest living, I would be happy. Hell, even if the job wouldn't allow me to travel around as much as I want right now, I would be content if I could just do something I liked doing. I am tired of getting tired. I don't care much for stress or unhappiness and it just feels that this miserable feeling it starting to consume everything. To the point where the words "I don't care" pop into my head often enough to be make me go, "I need a change".

What am I doing?

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Sounds like you are a late bloomer. But you have a lot of experience behind you for what you DON'T want to do. that's good.

You have listed some things you are interested in: Travel, photography, writing. That's a nice group of things to be interested in - and it involves traveling. What a great blend!! Maybe doing some freelance writing or a blog would be a good start - even with local site seeing places of interest.

Your post also tells that you have a hard time concentrating - except video games, which can be addicting and an escape.

Emotions affect concentration, concentration affects education. Keep working on growing, emotionally.


What am I doing?

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Daydreamer, it seems that if you could shake off that debt you'd have more options, you could maybe drop your working hours to either volunteer or shadow someone in an area you actually find interesting.

That may be a little way off for you but there are people out there who can help you see where the end of the tunnnel is, there's never any shame in asking for help. I only know British charities but I found this list for you http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/credit_counseling_agencies.html Put a little effort into finding one near you and I think you will find it worth your while.

It sounds like you need a goal and plans to look ahead to, that will change your attitude to your current place of work and make you more pleasant to be around and hopefully change the atmosphere there for you. I really hope this helps

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