My husband cheated on me
I am a third year phd student here in US. My husband and I moved here 3 years ago to study and work. After he finished his masters, he found a job in another city and moved there. During the time that he was studying and searching for the job i was so supportive to him. I paid a lot of money and i tried to support him as much as i can to help him pass this period of time. But now i fond out that he is doing online dating and he has some affair with an american girl. I know that he also lied to her also about his real life. Even though i had felt something is wrong about him but I couldn't believe that he can cheat on me.
Now I am so shocked and heart broken. I even dont know how to talk with him and how to discuss the problem with him. I loved him and my life so much. Today i tried to chat with him with an anonymous ID on the online dating website. He was like completely ready to start a new realationship.
Now he is at a training workshop near a city where I live and for the weekend he will come to our house ( where o live) to see me and then live for the city that he works there? I dont know what to do and what to say? Please help
There are two types of men, first type is who loves to date a lot of girls before marriage and becomes loyal to his wife after getting married and second type is who still remain the same after getting married. If you have a proof that your husband is cheating on you, then there is no meaning to stay with him. If he cannot remain faithful to you, he don't deserve you. It is hurting you a lot but if don't get away from him and he repeats this whenever he finds a chance, then you be broken and feel used by him. So, better move out and get a new life.
All the best.
Sedi, my heart goes out to you. How did you find out about the affair?
You may want to take someone's advice who has been through this but this is what I would do.
I would confront him as he thinks he is doing this behind your back and getting the best of both worlds. I would let him see how much he has hurt you and feel how he has betrayed you. He broke his marriage vows to you. I would'nt attack him at this point and put him on the defensive, I would just let him feel himself how much harm he has done. I would then ask him to sleep elsewhere that night. You will find out from what happens next who he is and whether he cares about you. Not even slightly saying if he apologises let him come back, but if YOU can and are willing to try to get past this then it is up to him to fix your relationship and rebuild your trust. If you can't or don't want to then you've already kicked him out and can focus on yourself and getting over him.
Sedi, I am so sorry you're going through something so utterly world-changingly painful. My deepest sympathies to you. I agree with both previous posters here. This guy has screwed up BIG TIME, and seemingly with absolutely no remorse about it. Until now. The selfish, idiotic jerk.
Kudos to you for your cleverness in creating a profile and seeing first-hand what he's been up to. My only caveat is to ask if you're 100% sure that it was him, and then ask you again that you're 110% sure that it was him.
Beyond that, my opinion merges the two previous perspectives. I recommend finding, if you don't already have, someone to be with you while you meet with him. Preferably someone from his side of the family - how is your relationship with your in-laws? Does he have any siblings or relatives/friends that you and he are both close to? I say this because him trusting that person, too, will help anchor him in the room to listen - and I agree wholeheartedly that he needs to hear how he's hurt you and damaged your relationship. It'll be a lot harder for him to wiggle out or away if they are there, too.
Hold yourself close and keep people who love you around to support you through this. And you will get through it.
Best to you.
Thank you so much for the response. Unfortunately I am 100% sure that it was him on the inline dating. But i am not sure if he had any dating or sex with any of them.
I noticed that there is also another girl whom he talks to. I checked his emails.
Unfortunately I dont have such person to be with me. I wish i had.
Thanks again for your healing words
I'm so sorry to hear that you've no mutual friend to reach out to assist you with this. Also sorry to hear you're absolutely sure, but at least you know what is actually happening and what you're working with.
Maybe instead, call your own family/close friend to get a support system in place for yourself as you navigate this truly awful situation. Talk to someone about it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That all belongs to him.
"The wound is the place where the light enters you." - Rumi
Be well, Sedi.