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Relationship

Posted by
REBELMOM2
on Jan 16 2015 at 03:52
Member since: 24 December 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 3 years now and I truly love him with all my heart. I have 2 boys and he has 2 boys. I do everything for his kids. But when it comes to mine he doesn't even play with them. When he gets home at night he has been ignoring me. Not sure what's going on could really use some advice.
Relationship
Reply from
THOMASFOOLERY
on Jan 16 2015 at 04:03
Member since: 05 January 2015
Hi, Rebel. This isn't much to go on, so to offer anything of substance I'll have to ask a couple of questions. It seems you've grown resentful of his non-attention to your kids, while you are attentive to his. Has it always been this way, or is this something new? Have you ever talked to him about it? If so, how did that conversations go, and if not, why not? How long have you been in a relationship with him - you've been engaged for 3 years, but how long altogether? How long have your felt ignored? And again - Have you communicated with him about this? If so, how did it go, and if not - why not?
Relationship
Reply from
REBELMOM2
on Jan 16 2015 at 13:05
Member since: 24 December 2014
We have been together for 3 years all together. I've known him for 18 years. It didn't use to be like this except for the past 6 months. Before everything was perfect now I feel used and taken for granted. The pure laziness of not putting your cloths in the hamper and just throwing them were ever you like drives me crazy. Not picking up your trash or pop cans all because you know I'll clean it up makes me mad. It went from me feeling loved and appreciated to feeling like a maid. And with him not paying my kids no mind has always been like that. What angers me is that my 11 year old comes up to me and asked why won't he play with me. That's when I realized there was a problem. I have told him how I feel and the things that bothers me and things change for a couple of days and goes back to the way it shouldn't be. We have a double person recliner that we use to snuggle in now it's just a place for him to sit if he even sits there. Most of the time he sits on the couch. I've caught him snooping threw my phone and I don't say a word because I have nothing to hide. If we talk about things he gets mad and pretty much thinks I'm crazy and making things up. I don't think he is cheating on me because he really doesn't have the time but he is very distant and I can tell something is different. I guess I feel used besides appreciated I never get a thank you or flowers nothing at all. And as far as his kids go I'll do anything for them and don't ask for anything in return because I do it out of love.
Relationship
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Jan 16 2015 at 14:49
Member since: 27 December 2013
I am taking it that all of you are living together? 4 kids and you two adults?

Men who come home from working all day (mom, too) may just be too exhausted to "play" with the kids. But that does not mean to ignore or be mean to them. So - what are you saying when your son asks why he won't play with him? This child may be picking up on your feelings, too. After all, BF is not "playing" with you, either.

He seems distracted. You two need to go away for the weekend, just alone, and see if you can re-connect.

Relationship
Reply from
REBELMOM2
on Jan 16 2015 at 16:00
Member since: 24 December 2014
No its just me and my youngest son. My oldest son comes and goes as he pleases. He stays with his dad who lives right down the road. And my step kids live out of state. Which we get to see them often and have them on school vacations. So it's usually just my son at home. I play him as much as I possibly can. And I know he is tired when he comes home. I'm a stay at home mom I can't work because of a disability. I appreciate all he does for this family. But he is off work Friday threw Sunday. I'm not asking him to go out and play football when he gets home but what would it hurt to sit down and play with hotwheels. Even on the weekends he still don't spend any time with him and he is the only man in his life. It's not that son picks up on my vibes because I'm very good at hiding my problems with a smile. Even when we go to bed at night it use to be neither one of us could go to sleep without Atleast our feet touching. Now it's he turns his back to me and goes to sleep. We are young and should be having lots of sex but it's slim to none now. I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago and my sex drive went out the window. Not saying I don't like having sex now I'm just saying it takes a little effort on his part to help me get in the mood. Before he was ok with helping me now it just seems to much of a hassle for him to try. Don't get me wrong I'm not always like that some days I can't get enough and font need that little push to get me in the mood. So it's not like it's all on him.
Relationship
Reply from
REBELMOM2
on Jan 16 2015 at 16:07
Member since: 24 December 2014
And also about getting away. We use yo go out to dinner or just riding around or hunting or fishing. Now it seems like it's an inconvenience if I ask to go out. And I by no means am asking for him to break the bank by taking me out I'm a country Girl and am very happy with a back road and full moon by the lake. I've even taken him out just to get out of the house but we just sit home now because he never wants to do anything.
Relationship
Reply from
THOMASFOOLERY
on Jan 17 2015 at 15:08
Member since: 05 January 2015
Hi Rebel. If I'm reading this correctly - You and your husband live with your two children, the oldest child sort of does his own thing. Your husband's kids live out of state, so it's often the three of you - Your husband, your youngest, and you. Right?

To just jump in, I'd offer that it's possible your husband feels like a "bad" father to his own kids, simply be the fact that he lives with yours. That may not even be something he's conscious of (and it obi may not be true, just speculating) It seems that the time he spends with his kids is limited, due to distance, etc. And he takes advantage of that time together by ensuring that it's quality time. He lives with your son, so maybe the drive to spend quality time together is a little lost on him. He's *there* isn't he? That's more consistency than his own kids are getting.

I assume you've spoken to him about spending time with your kids? If so, how did those conversations go? I think it's likely you're having disconnect because both of you are feeling unmet needs. If you are more aware of the energy dynamic than he is, then take the wheel, and try to have a conversation with him about what he's going through. "Hey, you've felt a little distant lately, is everything okay? Tell me what's going on so that we can get through it together." - and try to listen in a way that you put your *own* feelings aside for that conversation. You're primary role during that convo is Supreme Listener. And then at another time you come back and *he* gets to be Supreme Listener. That's a hat that can't be tossed back and forth during the same convo, until or unless, you've got a shiny, sparkling communication dynamic.

You want to be heard and you want your feelings to matter. That's true for all of us! However, SOMEONE has to be willing to be the first to bend. The first to listen selflessly. Because in doing so, you create a safe place for honest speaking.

Try to put your hurt aside and just talk to him about what he's going through. Be his wife. Be strong for him, and (hopefully) he will recognize what's happening and be strong for you right back.

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?