Ex is on drugs. I need advice on helping her
My sons mother is on drugs cocaine and mollie and marijuana the least one, she is a danger to herself it's like she's self destructing, she told me a couple of weeks ago that she wakes up every day not wanting to live, she also makes the worst mistakes constantly aside from the drugs.. Any advice/ideas of how I can get her help???
Gather up literature about treatment centers or places she could go for help. That's about all you can do. I hope you are not giving her $$$ for her drugs.
How old is your son? If he is a minor, you should get custody of him. He is not safe with her. HE is the one you should be worrying about.
The thing is she doesn't really want to get help, I took her to counseling once, she didn't want to go back. I've taken her to psychiatric emergency a couple of times as well.. I simply want the best for her, she's starting to really lose herself, she's 30 years old but looks 40 cause of the drugs and stress, she wears tons of make up to try conceal it.. Our son is 4 years old, I'm actually beginning the custody process today after work, her and I have joint custody currently.. And nope I refuse to give her and cash money, I buy her things that she needs sometimes and help her on a few of her bills but I get money orders and fill them out no cash money; however, she receives food stamps $400+ per month, she sells some to get the drugs and she's out of food in 2 1/2-3weeks
"How old is your son? If he is a minor, you should get custody of him. He is not safe with her. HE is the one you should be worrying about." - After reading that you've tried to help her and she isn't in a place (rock bottom) yet where she's willing to help *herself* - I have to agree with Susie and commend you for taking the necessary steps to become primary caretaker of your son. I'm sure a part of the reason you haven't done this yet, is because you don't want to hurt and already hurting person, your ex. But you aren't superman, she has to be her own superwoman. You *are* obviously someone who cares deeply and that's something to be proud of.
This is difficult stuff, Real. I'm so sorry you're experiencing the pain of it all, but very happy for you that you seem reasonable, compassionate, and intelligent. Keep us updated on how we can help you make sense of it all.
Our son is 4 years old... He's already been hit by a car in her care, get this though it was in her driveway and by her cousin smfh crazy yea I know, they do those drugs and don't pay attention, that was may of last year, could have been worse he has scars on his hip, arm, and head smh, he's still paranoid of cars, get this that cousin had a party at her house the same night no care or concern. Then the very next month June 14, the K-9 unit went in my sons mothers house and arrested a wanted felon 90 days out of prison he was a parole absconder arrested him out of the house while my son was there.. I think she told he police that she had no idea which was a complete LIE because his wife right WIFE told her thy were looking for him for beating on her.. He's been back in prison since and probably will be back out next month, she's been around me acting like she wanted to be with me every since, until last week I told her I couldn't do her games anymore, now she's trying to play a game with our son again not letting me are him because I don't want to be with her, using him as a pawn.. I've been through HELL, different dudes I've had to argue with almost fights people treating on the phone lol.. She needs help, too old for the games, were both 30.
"she's been around me acting like she wanted to be with me ever since, until last week I told her I couldn't do her games anymore" - Your description of you having been going through "HELL" sounds very appropriate, and I am so very sorry for all that you've had to and continue to endure. What does seem clear is that not only is this woman (and the company she keeps) a danger to herself, but also to your son, and now you.
Very wise to step back instead of forward. She is beyond your reach right now, and I think you sensed that and drew a boundary. "I told her I couldn't do her games anymore" YES. This.
You're both 30, but you are choosing to continue maturing and growing up, while she seems hell bent on continuing to be a child. And a self-and-surroundings-destructive child at that.
Be strong, follow through with the custody proceedings and have as little contact as possible with her in the meantime. Speak only about your son with her and only what has to do with him, his safety, and your contractual dual-custody arrangement. You will get full custody, and due to recent events, hopefully it will be quick and not drawn out as often happens when a man is trying to be sole custodian.
Take care of yourself and your won. You'll only be *able* to help her when she is willing to help herself, too. You can't do anything without that piece.
Stay strong, brother.
won = son. Sorry about any confusion due to typo
If necessary, have all contact be through your lawyer and about your son. That way you are removed from danger while also actively accessing your son, and proceeding with custody re-arrangement. That will make her not only have to honor the agreed-upon already in place LEGAL arrangements, but you shouldn't be talking to any other men about YOUR SON. And you definitely shouldn't be getting threats from any of them. This problem is easy to cut off at the knees. It's part of your lawyer's job to act as liaison on your behalf. Also, this will strengthen your case for custody (getting your son out of that mess), WHILE removing you from the drama/danger.
Yea I am actually getting ready to walk out the door now to go up to the hospital and get the medical record of my sons e.r visit, also Monday after work I'll be going to file to get a record of all of the police calls to the house she just moved out of, I have to do something (custody) before something worse happens, we have joint custody now but like I said she plays these games so now I have to go file for sole, and you're right she has to want help for herself first, that company she has doesn't want anything out of life they have kids and don't so anything for them either.. It's kind of hard doing a lot because I'm working 2 jobs but I HAVE to make time, I realize my son is MUCH more important. No reason he should have to go through all of the nonsense smh life is crazy..
Life is indeed, crazy! You, however, are quite sane and taking the appropriate steps, in appropriate ways to KEEP it that way, and ensure your son's safety and sanity as well. Well done, sir. I have absolutely no doubt this is extremely painful and difficult for you in a million different ways. But in my opinion, you're doing the absolute right things, based on the information you've shared.
"It's kind of hard doing a lot because I'm working 2 jobs..." It's *very* hard, but you are helping your ship. You're taking control of your life. You know it will be hard, but few things that are important are easy, right? Life is crazy and hard, but worth the work. Your son's life and your own are worth the work. You already realize that, I'm just reaffirming what you already know. Your wife's life is also worth your effort (she is the mother of your child, after all - this you clearly recognize as well), *but* ONLY once *she* sees that and starts making better choices for herself. Otherwise, you're just wasting valuable time and energy.
Very wise approach. Keep your head clear, feel it all, process it all, and take care of yourself in the meantime. Keep us updated.
I’m highly alarmed at this situation. It sounds like most of the focus is on her while the focus needs to be on the child that is 4yrs old having to endure a parent that is basically destroying whatever healthy future he may or may not have.
It seems to me that she’s already made her choice for a destructive path. As harsh as this my sound, let her drive herself down that path. You said you tried counseling and all that and she has not wanted to do it. So she’s fine doing all this. Now its becoming where you’re at fault. If you don’t get that child out of that situation. (this is of course assuming you have not yet separated from her. Which sounds like you have already.)
I would immediately jump on getting a divorce, (if you haven’t already.) gain full custody rights and getting a move on with your life while taking your son with you. It will be difficult for the child as he grows he will want to understand the why’s like why did you have to divorce my mom for one and you will have to bear with that for a while. But as he matures he will begin to realize through his own visual understanding what exactly his life COULD HAVE been if you did not rescue him from such a fate.
You said you have been through hell… think of what your son has been through having had been apart of joint custody where she also has rights to him… also allowing felons around him, allowing terrible situations around him. You said he’s paranoid at 4yrs old of cars… a four year old should not be paranoid. They should be adventurous without that they lose a massive piece to their learning process at that age which will dramatically affect their future. So think of what all this is teaching him. Think of what he is going to grow up and learn
i didn't get a chance to see the post posted at jan 17 19:19 so I am glad you are taking actions on behalf of your son and turning your attention on him.
Yea situations like that can get out of hand QUICKLY, I don't have time for drama like that, I actually have reason to live and I love my son, he means everything to me, I'm trying to raise him properly and at LEAST give him a proper chance at a "normal" life.. His "mother" has had a abnormal life from jump from what I was told.. Mother was on drugs smoking crack and used to leave her with different people which allowed her to be raped a few times by a family "friend" at a young age, then she also said her older brother 3 years older also used to have sex with her and there mom never did anything for either situations(s) also there father went to prison for being a pediphile (having sex with younger women) statutory rape. Step dad a few years later got murdered. In turn caused her to have bad choices in men, I'm far from perfect but her and I have been together the longest 5 years, the rest a year to two at most.. She also had a daughter at 19 years old she had several issues couldn't do anything was wheelchair bound couldn't talk, she ended up passing away at 7 years old in 2010 when my son was 4 months old.. So a long story short my sons mom has been through A LOT and I admit I do feel bad for her that's the ONLY reason that I am concerned about helping her said from my FULL focus on my son... She hasn't called me since Wednesday and I haven't called her either.. I just don't want to see her go downhill any further like she has donce she started dealing with that prison dude, last match started dealing with him, lost her job in April, lost her car, had no money AT ALL, smh ironically te same time her and I broke up officially on April (I was lied to for a couple of months) found out a little later.. She's weak minded do to her past.. I KNOW out son isn't safe. The SAME cousin that hit him with the car, my sons mom and her just moved in a house together less than 2 weeks ago smh... It's like I'm fighting against a gang of crazy mindless drug heads smh, I REFUSE to give up though for my son..
Yeah, your ex has certainly been through a lot of trauma, and that helps explain some of her behaviors, although it doesn't excuse them. She's going to have to reckon with all those awful demons at some point. When that rock-bottom hits, and to one that has already survived so much (barely) hopefully the fact that she's about to lose custody of her son will assist in her coming correct.
Your compassion is well-earned in my opinion. She's had a tough go. However, you staying strong and doing what you know is the best thing for yourself and your son right now, may or may not be a catalyst to get her own wheels of healing rolling. That can't be your focus until or unless she's ready to help herself. It's a sad, hard fact of life to love someone and know they need help, but also accepting that the help can't come from you. Watching someone you care about spiral down, is painful. Keep your heart as full as possible and believe in her, pray for her (if you believe in that sort of thing) just send some healing mental energy her way. This will also flare up the goodness in yourself. Like attracts like, and all that.
My opinion remains, keep doing what you're doing and when/if she's ready to help herself, be willing to extend whatever help is comfortable and appropriate for you at that time.
This isn't easy stuff. Day at a time. Keep your pace steady with clear goals, and keep your head as clear as possible. Also, talk to some friends or family. Establish (if you don't already have one) a solid support network around you. You don't have to navigate all of this alone. Community is healthy and will help you along the way.
Yea, hopefully I can get through to her. At the end of the day I still care about her unfortunately, but I know I have to do what's right for my son, it's my RESPONSIBILITY.