Uncertainty - Mistress and Me. Stay? Go?
Before anyone passes judgment on my dilemma -- please note -- I already feel terrible for failing to be faithful and sacrificing all of my integrity. I feel terrible for being a selfish ass and I'm trying to make things right. I'm breaking every rule of decency I've been taught but I can't help myself and this is why I'm reaching out for advice. There is no doubt that I should choose my girlfriend given all that has gone on.
Here is the problem. I am in a relationship and got involved with another woman. My girlfriend allows me to be physically intimate with other women so long as I tell her and so long as I am not working with the other female.
In three years since my girlfriend and I have been together, I have never acted on my girlfriend's permission. But, over this last year I violated her trust in two ways. I didn't tell her and i was intimate with a co-worker.
The problem I am facing is that I think I have fallen in love with my co-worker. My co-worker knew that i was in a relationship. It was supposed to be a fling. She also has said she is in love with me. At some point, my co-worker did not want to continue with me as long was I was involved with my girlfriend. I lied. I told my co-worker I was done with my girlfriend.
My co-worker and I have been through a lot. She has a very colored past. Her mother had an affair and died from HIV/AIDS complications. Her biological father also died from HIV/AIDS complications. Her mother's husband adopted her and raised her from 7-8 years old. Her childhood with her adopted father and family led her down a very dark path. She felt like she did not belong and suffered discrimination for being half white and black. She was later convicted for multiple felonies (selling drugs and domestic violence). She also became addicted to meth. She has not used meth in 10 years. She has been working at my law firm for 10 years and is now one of my legal secretaries. Now, she drinks a lot instead of using meth. I don't mind if she drinks to unwind. I know it's a slippery slope. But, I only care when she is completely drunk because she then gets argumentative, combative, and overly defensive due to the fact that she suffered physical abuse from her ex-husband.
The reason I fell in love with her is because of her capacity to love despite her torrid past. She has experienced great loss and suffered through more than most but she still lights up any room she enters. She and I can joke around and I genuinely enjoy her company. We both enjoy being home and watching Netflix. We both enjoy drinking wine, margaritas, and eating at restaurants. I love that she is strong but sensitive. She enjoys cooking for me and taking care of me. I love her more and more when she lets her walls down and shares her feelings with me. I love that I'm one of the few who knows that she projects bravado and is tough but she deep down is sensitive. She is so sensitive that she is overly protective of herself. She is sweet, kind, and gentle to those she cares about. But lately, she has not been to me.
The arguments are what give me pause. If the arguments were not so volatile I THINK (strong emphasis on think) I would have moved out by now. Not just the arguments -- but how she argues. She yells, screams, she's mean spirited, she says things to be hurtful, she is dismissive, and she gets physical.
She and I have had multiple disagreements. Part of the reason I have continued with my girlfriend is because of the uncertainty associated with her. Like I said before, when she drinks we argue. She once stormed out of a mutual friend's home late at night and when I tried to make sure she was able to get home safe I found her at a bar with some guy (holding hands) whom I didn't know but who was a friend of her friend (really?). I got upset and asked if they'd been intimate ("Let me just ask, are you two f*****g"). This other guy swings at me and I defend myself. Except for a couple of scratches, neither of us are hurt. I am an attorney and cannot be involved in physical altercations. So, I tell her things are done because she I won't be with someone who will put me in that position. She apologizes and promises not to involve someone else in our relationship again. Of course.....days later.....it happens again. Only this time it was with another friend of a friend. She called him because I did not want to leave her house during an argument because she'd kicked me out during that same argument multiple times every time I disagreed with her but then would only call me back once I reached my car. Finally, she compares me to her ex and I just leave because her ex and I are nothing alike ("He's a convicted drug dealer in jail who used to physically abuse her"). Her friend called me and told me to stay away from her. I did. Not because he asked. But because she again involved someone else.
Now, we're together talking things out....But, because of stress at work (kind of true), she doesn't even reach out to me after work.
My current girlfriend is amazing. We hardly ever argue. When we do it is calm, logical, and lasts less than 15 minutes. She speaks her mind, I speak mine, and we both reach a compromise. My girlfriend works two jobs to help contribute towards bills. But, she has gained more than 50 pounds since we started dating. Early on I tried walking with her, going to the gym, and helping with diet. She tries for a few days but then does not follow through. I stay with her because of how nice she is to me and my family. She's part of my family. She's been to Christmas dinners. She's been to Thanksgiving dinners. She helps with my nieces and nephews. Aside from the superficial physical appearance.....which can be easily changed.....she is perfect. I also love her.
I'm so tired of this back and forth. I want to pick one woman. I want it to be my girlfriend. But, I can't stop trying to make things work with my co-worker.
So this reply is not a criticism, or judgment by any means. I’m not one who judges others because frankly we all have things in our gutter so to say.
You’re an Attorney so you have to be incredibly intelligent. That’s not just a job you can go out and grab in an hour obviously. So that tells me you have seriously analyzed this and you do know full well what you’re into, you clearly know what you did was morally wrong.
From reviewing your post I can’t help but be curious as to why you would want to fall for your co-worker when it sounds like your current girlfriend has it all. With the exception of a few extra pounds, that again you acknowledge as “superficial physical appearance.” However I want you to remember that because I am going to get back to that.
The only reasons I can see why you would want to fall for a coworker like that would be that she is really gorgeous and you fell in love with her via her sob story and working alongside her all day usually is going to lead to more. ESPECIALLY with a ludicrous understanding of allowing you to be physically intimate with another woman as long as you tell your girlfriend. Now again that’s not a judgment that’s an opinion which I don’t often use but I think I can confidently say you’re intelligent enough to recognize why I gave it.
Anyone who says that has two things you must be aware of. #1 they’re testing you, does polygamy sound good to you? Cause that's what it is. #2 they have a huge lack of self-respect and enormous amount of insecurity, that’s basic psychology. If you don’t believe me, tell me when was the last time you said that to a girlfriend?
Now if I were to take you by yer shoulders and pull you back from this post and tell you to look at it. Who would you see takes up most of yer time? Who is creating waves in your life? Who is forcing you to overcome them to be with her? That’s right the Mistress. So if all that dedication is being given to the Mistress what dedication is being given to the girlfriend? This is going to sound brutal but it’s the hard truth. Her issues (mistress) are not your issues once anyone's issues cross that boarder into your relationship between your girlfriend and you, they are no longer your problem. That's loyalty, I like to call that bloodhound loyalty... cause I'm a creative soul :) ... But you have directed nearly most of your time trying to get to her and help her. Do you want to know what us in the psychology profession call folks like them? Folks who are attention seekers.
Now that’s not bad to want attention. Frankly I understand her position because abuse does that. But she doesn’t need another boyfriend. She has plenty of false boyfriends that are making her head reel into a cacophony of confusion which is of course bringing you in as well. What she does need is a real friend someone who has the real strength and bronze to say no. And pull her out of her destructive habits. It’s like when your drowning while being really thirsty, do you want someone to throw you a glass of water or a rope so you can grab the damn glass yourself? The concept in the irony is the same and is something many folks ignore. You think you are showing love. In reality your giving her what every other guy has, confusion and to a small degree abuse because she needs help more than she needs love at that point in her (mistress) life.
Let’s jump back to your girlfriend and her new weight gain. In this instance alone, when women/men gain weight. It is the external expression… of an internal repression. Remember that long after you have read this post. If you have not already confessed all this to her do not assume she doesn’t already suspect something is up. Couples often forget that their significant other knows them better than they realize. With all this time you are dedicating to your mistress is all the time where your girlfriend is wondering where you are and what you’re doing. If you think that using your job as an excuse is going to cover you, whether it does or does not your own face and posture will expose you. If she actually knows what you’re doing you simply have gone from chambering the gun to firing the gun into your foot.
That is going to be utterly devastating to her. Your chasing this other women to help her when your neglecting your girlfriend. Obviously you know that’s no good. But its also telling her that she will always be second in your eyes. Heck maybe even third or fourth depends. Is that the message you really want to send? I don’t think so, cause from this post alone it sounds to me like you really do love her. So before you really lose her, get rid of this mistress thing. Apologize and learn from your transgression that’s all you can do. It will hurt her because she won’t be able to see past the losing you side of the picture but, and I don't mean this to insult you or anything, thats simply a consequence of this scenario as hard as it is your going to have to live with this. Doesn't mean your evil, bad or a sinner, means you messed up so you gotta pick up and move on. Then really start to dedicate your time back to your girlfriend. You have a lot of uphill challenges you are going to have to face but now its time to climb man, depending on how bad you really want to keep your girlfriend.
Well that's my two cents... more like two dollars but yea :)
Really, counselor, is this the best you can do?
Both of these women have issues!!
What's going on in your life that you feel these two women are what it's all about?
Ok first of all I never said I was a counselor. I’m simply a student of psychology both from a university aspect and also as a casual student of human psychology.
I would agree with you SUSIEDQQQ that both women do have issues. But tell me who doesn’t? On top of that GUILTYANDCONFUSED didn’t ask us to solve the issues of both women. I can only give a view point from what I read. How I interpreted his post was that he wanted to get back on track with his girlfriend. I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince him that my opinion is the right one. When its only right for me, unless he specifically asks. I also am giving a viewpoint based off my observations because I have never been in his shoes.
I am not sure if I quite understand your last sentence, sorry.
My response was addressed to the OP - a lawyer.
"Counselor'' is mostly a term of address for an attorney in court.
ohhh lol sorry I was kinda confused. You never had responded to anything i said like that before I was sad :( lol
Thank you both for your input. Keekay, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. Problem is that when i first started dating girlfriend there was never really a spark. I continue to stay with her because i believe she is a great person and she's beautiful. What kind of idiot throws away an opportunity to be with someone who is sweet, kind, logical, and nothing but loyal and patient? The reason I'm confused however is because i want to be in a relationship where there is that spark and draw. I don't want to deprive girlfriend of that either. No matter how unhealthy, i have that draw and that spark with Mistress. I don't know if that spark is directly related to physical appearance but there has to be some correlation. Girlfriend has always had weight issues. When we met she was in the best shape of her life. Now, she's no longer the same person i started dating. I don't want to be shallow and break up with her for being overweight so over the years I've tried to be supportive and appreciate the qualities I've outlined. But,I don't think it's too much to ask to be physically attracted to your partner and have some spark. I honestly hate myself for being so caught up in the physical but while I know logically in my mind girlfriend is the better choice.... I can't control the illogical emotional pull i have towards mistress.
Wait a minute . . . . I can't let you off that easy.
"My girlfriend allows me to be physically intimate with other women so long as I tell her and so long as I am not working with the other female."
Now - what kind of relationship is THAT?
So what do you do? Find a girl at work! (Hey, that was supposed to be against the "rules"! A deliberate act?)
And what kind of girl do you find at work? "She yells, screams, she's mean spirited, she says things to be hurtful, she is dismissive, and she gets physical . . . She and I have had multiple disagreements." etc. etc. even getting you in trouble with the law!
I will ask again: Is this the best you can do?
(I’m shortn yer name to GnC…)
Ok GnC I totally get the issue with the looks. Beating on yerself and callin yerself an idot isn’t gonna help you. I can confidently say you ran a touchdown in stupidity lol but I can also say I’ve made a few touchdowns with awesome Hail Mary’s that earned me stupid points as well.
Facts are facts that in your eyes your current girlfriend has become somewhat unattractive because of weight gain. I tip my hat that you have the guts to be a real man and just admit it instead of blaming her. A lot of folks will blame the other. Now here’s where you have come to huge fork in the road in your life so to say. You can go down the path where your mistress awaits you or even get a new girlfriend who definitely takes care of herself. Or you can stick it out with this current girlfriend whom you’ve obviously put a great amount of effort into the relationship for a reason.
Believe it or not I think you have earned some points taken off of your touchdown in stupidity in my book… This is because you recognize this as wrong. You want to change, you have remorse. You were with your girlfriend even knowing she had weight issues before this whole thing as you said. That shows character that frankly is being lost in this world.
There’s an older couple I know that are the oddest two you would see. The gentleman not too many years ago was about 6’0ft his wife was shorter… Ill put it that way. Now he’s probably 5’11ft she’s probably about 4’3 very short nearly bald has a lot of hair loss. He’s got slick silver hair, thick as ever still. Even has some ladies give a second glance. He’s what you would call a classically gorgeous dude. She, and I say this because I’m her grandson and can only say this because our whole family secretly jokes, reminds us of Yoda. Just because of how small she is and how she’s losing her hair. But these two people are the kindest people you could ever meet. Since I have been alive I have never heard her raise her voice in anger and everyone that meets her walks away with a smile. Her past photos show a gorgeous woman with deep thick auburn hair. Now her beauty has slowly transitioned into her personality making her an incredible… Ill even go as far as to say blessing. This isn’t only my viewpoint nor my family’s.
The entire point of that above story is. We’re all going to get very old. We are all going to age in ways we are not going to like. But in that process we will expand on who we are as individuals. Whether we pull others up or shove them on the ground will depend on choices we make now. Like the very one you’re facing now. Who do you want to be with? A woman, or a lady? What kind of class of either? How far are you looking ahead?
You are the captain of your vessel. I’m sure you have heard that before. The very last thing I will say is this. During the Age of Sail. (16th-19th centuries) The best Naval captains commanded their ships not by Action and Reaction but by Anticipation. If you know what a Ship of the Line is, it’s a massive sail ship loaded with cannons on each side. These ships where powered by wind. No one controls the wind you can only anticipate and plan accordingly. We as Captains of our vessels… (our lives) Are at our best when we anticipate instead of react to sudden situations, that otherwise would not have been sudden if we anticipated them.
I hope that helps further.
PS: Id answer SDQ before she kills one of us... o.0
"Id answer SDQ before she kills one of us... o.0"
Doubt she'll do that (too much of a lady). But I might. Or maybe she will? Let's see, courtesy of allegedly guilty, allegedly confused's response, shall we?
[drums fingernails on desk]
DON'T DO IT SOULMATE! DON'T DO IT! You like me to much and youll miss meeeee.... o.o
Sorry, what was that, Alexis Colby-Carrington? LOL
Can I get popcorn and a large Coke to go with that?
O.O I don't get it...
Okay SDQ...... I'm answering you because you brought up a very good question (not because i received a death threat from Soulmate).
These women are not the best I can do. But, it is unfair to measure a woman's worth by what I subjectively think is "the best i can do."
I consider myself blessed. I feel like the man upstairs is always looking out for me. The reason I bring that up is because I feel like that plays a role in my decision. Would these two women be put in my life, at the same time, for no reason at all? I don't think so.
Thinking back to my girlfriend. I can't help but think I'm being tested. Not by my girlfriend. But by something greater. So i think to myself. Is there some kind of lesson that i should be learning?
I met my girlfriend shortly after breaking up with my ex of six years. The only thing between my relationship with girlfriend and ex was a fling that went on for a few mounts. Eventually i choose my girlfriend because she was the complete opposite of ex. Ex grew up with silver spoon and was coddled. Our fights were volatile like the fights mistress and I have except at some point ex started pushing and shoving when very frustrated. Long story short, ex knew that she could get away with physical contact because I'm like most men out there who were taught not to lay a hand on a woman no matter the circumstances. Eventually ex and I grew apart and i moved out because she specifically said she resented me for being able to pursue a career in law when she couldn't (because she failed the LSAT). I couldn't even share my accomplishments with ex because of resentment.
So thinking of ex, mistress, and girlfriend i think I'm being tested. The reason i think I'm being tested is because, like I said before, mistress and ex argue in the same way. What i appreciate most with my girlfriend is that she is so good at talking through our problems. Not only that but, unlike mistress, i don't have to have certain conversations with her about the company she keeps or the things she does regarding the law because girlfriend is all about working towards making our lives better so a lot of the arguments with mistress wouldn't even come up with girlfriend. Then, there's the fact that my mother was like ex and mistress. I moved away from my mom when i was 17 because of the volatility. So, am i SUPPOSED to look at mistress and REMEMBER the way ex and mom used to make me feel? Those experiences make me appreciate a woman like my girlfriend...exponentially.
Or, should i fail the test, and take mistress' word? SHOULD I count on her promises to change the way she reacts due to her past. Should i count on mistress' admission that she needs counseling and will get some. Soon - - I'm assuming. I only consider mistress because girlfriend NEVER made me feel like mistress makes me feel. Girlfriend makes me feel happy and comfortable. But mistress makes me feel crazy. I can't wait to see mistress. I can't wait to kiss mistress. I can't go 30 seconds without thinking about mistress. It can't be because of the mistress' looks because I've had more attractive stable women in the past. Girlfriend is actually more attractive than mistress when physically fit. I've had sex with other women that was just as good if not better. I can't figure it out. My girlfriend even allows me to have sex with other women. This is the first time I've acted on the permission without her knowing and with someone at work. Maybe it's because of the fact thwt it's taboo.
My girlfriend also leaves no doubt about wanting to be with me. She moved across the country with me. I feel guilty breaking up with her even if it is for someone other than mistress.
You asked why i think these women are end all be all. After the long diatribe something is clear to me. Physical appearance and social background mean nothing. My father counseled/explained to me, after leaving my mom for an uglier woman who makes a lot less money, that it isn't about looks and things society value. My mom has a Ph.D and makes more than six figures but my Dad chose a lady who got her Bachelor's degree a few years ago and barely made enough to clear the federal poverty line when they married. My Dad explained to me that it's about how the woman makes you feel and how she shows her love for you. My girlfriend shows her love in every way. Mistress does not. Mistress is stubborn. I've seen mistress cut her own family off for weeks just to spite them and we've gone weeks without talking outside of work too. But when mistress lets her walls down she makes sure to show me how deeply she loves me. Mistress makes me feel crazy. So. These women are the end all be all because not everyone can inspire such loyalty and passion. I don't want to live my life knowing I threw my chance away at happiness... Despite what others think of my choice. Like my best friend put it. "Dude you're picking between a sexy crack head who's also crazy and a fat chick who used to be hot."
I don't know if I've answered your question. But. There it is.
A death threat? Either you're joking back but have a too-dry SOH or you don't know joking around when you see it.
Or... were you joking around SOULMATE? :) jk
Don't get exactly what you're saying, but.... You, Keekay, said 'before Susie kills one of us'. You obviously didn't mean literally (particularly as it's not even possible unless one's monitor is a secret Transporter) and I responded likewise. Alright, children? LOL
Anyway. Where's Susie?
(S*d it, it's been 3 days. I'm taking this shot.)
Buckle up, kiddo, and say "Ahh"... This medicine is the type tastes nasty as sh*t but works beautifully... Hate me now, love me later.
FYI, Susie is not about seeking or giving approval, hence simply correctly identifies all or one of the main roots of a problem before telling it like it is in a take it or leave it fashion (whereas I shove it down your neck), whether or not she goes on to analyse in detail (- this case, not). Correct, every single time bar an wholly negligible 0.05%, I'd add. But we all have off seconds. What we DON'T all have, is issues that include super-bendy morals as then by their over-pliant nature defeat their own concept and object. Some of us have our whole lives busted a gut, no matter the temptation from where, to keep ourselves squeaky clean, 'just in case, Amen' or simply because it feels right and there maybe isn't any god to take responsibility and bail us out in return for now't but an all-too-easy S-word utterance in the form of Hail Mary. Where we do make mistakes, they then tend to be easily rectified ones. So rectify, we do.
"GUILTYCONFUSED", you seem to think women are composites, like Lego pieces, and that you can deliberately choose to accept a relationship contract with an under-par partner who performs accordingly and then, when not liking (or SO THAT when inevitably not liking) the absence of certain key pieces, go take a few from another woman, stick both cherry-picked sets together in your mind and, voila - one whole, perfect partner. *SANS PROPER COMMITMENT to either, note, yet *AVEC IDEALISM TO DEGREE OF DELUSION regarding there existing romantically perfect women to begin with. And, furthermore, fair to no-one. (Attorney, you say?)
Is that emotional or even logical intelligence epitomised or applied? Is that even workable idealism, extended out of sense of fairness towards others as well as yourself? Not in my book it's not. It's downright emotionally thick as pig poo, frankly...Unless you're a Commitmentphobe, of course (whether experientially-reactively or innate), where then it seems like a brilliant way around it. It's called self-delusion. Self-delusion, when not administered in a do or die bodily or mental survival situation as renders it self-defense thus exonerable, is another word for cognitive dissonance + confirmation bias for the purposes of having to escape the rules and laws that everyone else has to abide by, this case emotional. "I despise cheating aka law breaking in any form but, ...ah, I'm different/this is different!".
Happy with your half-and-half Lego woman, are you? Allegedly not. Hardly surprising when this brilliant pandering to your commitmentphobia is no cleverer than alcohol self-administered as medication, in that it becomes and takes over as a far greater problem. Although, if you REALLY didn't like it - any of it - you'd just stop, full-stop. Because that's what humans who truly or overly don't like something do. Unless they're in conflict to point of crisis, of course.
IMO, you are not "an" attorney. You DO THE JOB OF an attorney. And currently, probably not very well or by mere rote if lately(?) your moral compass and sense of social responsibility are that incredibly off-kilter as to try to have us believe social judgement deliberately excluding fluffy-mushy understanding actually ISN'T what makes for a decent society - in which case, what are you doing being daily a part of the social judgements arena?
You of all people should know better, is what I'm saying. And if someone is self-harming, singly or a deux, I'll unabashedly judge them until their eyes bleed. If they don't like that, they know what to do about it, eh.
Facts in the context of this whole situation:
1. News for you: you don't *have* a "girlfriend", only an ongoing, casual fling under the veil of 'relationship'. Because, whether consensually transgressed or not, that conceptual label describes a monogamous, preferably run-up-to-marital-state as its prime, vital, *compulsory* fundamental. Plus, if she would even CONCEIVE of such a thing as any partner of hers having sexual relations with other women, let alone issuing a license, then aside from the fact this goes against the nature of any healthy female truly seeking a mate in the proper, healthy sense of the word, rather than someone to hide in/behind, it shows she's viewing YOU as a Lego composite too. And that's why she didn't and doesn't give a fig about maintaining her visible attractiveness, that very main facet of hers that you naturally use as your FOCUS for gaining a st*ffy. But you knew that at the start, or certainly right from the minute she said, 'Sure, go ahead, only, never someone from work' (the inference being, ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME).
2. If YOU were at this juncture interested in a actual relationship with anyone, that caveat presented was the point where you should have dumped her. That you didn't is purely because it SUITED you because, psych fact, NOBODY with any freedom of will keeps doing something over and over unless getting something out of it. Albeit, not *quite* suited you down to the ground because...
3. ...YOU'RE allowed to be a Commitmentphobe, but not the woman, oh, no. The woman should please you with three course meals in return for your mere crumbs. Right?
That you are not perfectly happy with being given only crumbs WHEN MADE TO BE ON THE END OF IT YOURSELF is proven an indisputable fact by your act of having sought augmenting 'pieces' from elsewhere. Actions are evidence. Evidence of what? You want to be the sole Commitmentphobe?
4. This would certainly explain why you choose women who are either loudly and patently or non-detectably (to the lay person, I mean) LOW SELF-ESTEEMED - either genuinely or merely coming across as such out of a need to SACRIFICE it for the sake of whatever other agenda(s).
Or, behind it, this: YOU are the one with low self-esteem hence failed to retort, 'Sleep with other women, are you fruit loopy or something?! That's a deal-breaker so we're over!'. Or are you and "girlfriend" BOTH merely sacrificing your self-esteem, with this, your brilliant, mutually-compatible plans for never again being vulnerable enough to get your heart broken?
So, 50/50 rather than 70/30 (to you) not quite suiting you, you did what? Sought revenge or ego-equalisation (call it what you will) in typically male 'two for the price of one' style by going and breaking the very, ONE, too-easily-kept stipulation your 'girlfriend' made crystal clear: "not someone from the office".
Aim, Fire, BULLSEYE! Girlfriend, now, you hope, will either
[a] dump you (to save you either from [i] having the strength to resign and find a better crumb-aficionado or [ii] dare again enter the real deal with A. N. Other) or
[b] step up to supplying three courses despite herself still only receiving crumbs.
5. Agree with Keekay, because as I've explained before, a true gentleman might well 'merrily' self-harm, but he would never agree to aid and abet another in her own attempts (mistress).
BTW, I don't believe you love your "girlfriend". Everything you've described up there makes it perfectly plain that you love what she *does* for you, either in practical or psychological ways. And - mistress - capacity to love, my a*se (she barely has the capacity to keep normal, perfectly routine adult self-control so she certainly ain't fit to love another).
"I don't want to be shallow and break up with her for being overweight so over the years I've tried to be supportive and appreciate the qualities I've outlined. But,I don't think it's too much to ask to be physically attracted to your partner and have some spark."
Precisely! No, it's *not* too much to ask (hence, enter mistressy Lego pieces). But don't make out you're Saint GuiltyConfused because sainthood is as sainthood does, or in this case, WOULD NEVER DO BECAUSE ONE FEELS 'TERRIBLE' AT THE MERE *THOUGHT* OF IT, particularly when already knowing the act is (this case, emotionally) 'criminal'... be that towards others solely or inclusively yourself.
You can try to lofty it up as much as you like with things like, maybe you're supposed to be experiencing being this 'criminal', maybe it's a test thrown on by life/fate/god. But I think you'll find that entity tends *not* to set tests that involve acts which run counter to the optimal survival conditions of humanity. So, rather, I think the test is about whether you can conquer temptation to seemingly have your cake and eat it, meaning, the test is to see if you can do the decent thing and dump BOTH women in favour of going and getting yourself (DARING to go and get yourself) a real one. Emphasis on one. Furthermore, it's downright obtuse to suggest your girlfriend moving across the country can mean only that she wanted YOU rather than what she could gain from partnering up with you in terms of social status/life progress or someone with their own emotional agenda wholly compatible with her own in terms of needing to pander to it.
You may well want to follow in dad's footsteps, but I'd strongly suggest you've confused the romantic set with the career set thus in actual fact would prefer to be a psychotherapist than an attorney, HENCE FINDING IRRESISTABLE A WOMAN WHO NEEDS (wait for it, waaaiiit for iiiiit) *THERAPY*. After all, I doubt this more humble upgrade (or is it downgrade) of your dad's gave him regular screaming banshee shows like your mistress does. If she did, then your dad must likewise have been seeking a 24/7 project.
Also, I'd be very interested to know whether this replacement woman of your dad's was the woman he'd been having an affair on your mother with. That would explain nicely why you're trying these particular shoes on, wouldn't it?... "How could he? I can't work it out. So let me find out first-hand.".
It's quite simple: aside from the above-mentioned influences, you're doing what ALL emotionally ill-educated people do: pendulum swinging - from one extreme (bad) to the other (bad) - when what you actually should have done was swing more to the middle: all the *best* (for you) bits of mum/ex/mistress and all the *best* bits of dad/girlfriend. Viola: perfect (for you) woman.
You already KNOW this, hence said: " I feel guilty breaking up with her even if it is for someone other than mistress." instead of the more normal, " I would feel guilty breaking up with her". You know there is 'other than the mistress' making her way towards you as we speak.
Put your money where your mouth is and dump both duds. Not least so that YOU can cease being a dud followed by doing your Time for having allowed yourself to be a dud, and thus be WORTHY of pending Ms Perfect.
The prosecution rests. ...although, really, I could have just re-issued what your clearly very insightful friend said as contained volumatic implications: ""Dude you're picking between a sexy crack head who's also crazy and a fat chick who used to be hot [i.e. used to act like she loved you thus wanted to be sexy for you]."" Operate word: picking, as in Cherry.
(Tsk. OPERATIVE word.) (Fire the stenographer!)
Okay Soulmate. Just to clarify, I was joking around when I said that thing about the death threat.
1) My profession has nothing to do with my personal life. Admittedly, mistress is my legal secretary, but choosing to have an intimate relationship with an employee in your company does not make you unethical.
Unless you yourself are an attorney, you have no idea the commitment it takes to work towards becoming an attorney. The studying and extra curricular activities by themselves take a toll on your personal life and effectively change one's character. You do not know me and should refrain from judging my character and integrity based on the fact that I'm struggling to make an emotional decision that does not entirely involve logic. The only people who are qualified to say that I am not an attorney are other attorneys who are members of the Board of Bar Examiners of my state who ( before I am allowed to be admitted as a practicing member of the bar) administer the bar exam, evaluate my background for good moral character and integrity, and when I am admitted continue to evaluate my character as an attorney to ensure I am not unethical. As attorneys, we are not part of any social judgment arena. In fact, we are referred to as counselors because we take no side on any issue and are trained to see both sides of the argument -- no matter what the argument (murder, divorce, breach of contract). Again, unless you are a member of the Board of Bar Examiners, you have no right and are not qualified to speak to me on that issue.
1) Your evaluation of my relationship is based on the idea of monogamy. A healthy amount of this country's populace does not in fact practice monogamy. While we may not be swingers or polygamists, we are in control of our relationship; as such, we set the rules and boundaries. Merely because what we do differs from what you categorize as "normal" does not mean that we have self-esteem issues. In fact, I would argue quite the opposite. Those who can distinguish between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are far more likely to be secure in themselves and their relationship. Without truly knowing the circumstances of my relationship, all you're doing is merely speculating based on your limited point of view. Now, if you were in fact correct about the "lego" theory, I would not in fact be agonizing over a decision to choose one or the other. If your theory was appropriate, I would be attempting to keep them both. Additionally, your idea of what "a healthy woman" will or will not allow is neither feminist nor misogynistic. Your standard of what a woman will accept from her partner is plainly outdated and incorrect. A woman is free to choose what she personally will accept without seeking the approval of others or society as a whole. I firmly believe that every one is an individual; therefore, everyone's values are not the same because their values are their own and the values or judgments of others do not come into play. If in fact the world were as you view it, a "healthy woman [or man]" would not choose to be with "another woman [or man]" because your value system is based upon what society believes is acceptable and without controversy. To be clear, homosexuality is acceptable but remains controversial. To use another example, couples engaging in Sadism and Masochism (S&M), are not engaging in what some deem as "healthy" sexual interactions; however, those couples find their choice acceptable and arousing -- but the form of sex remains controversial (unless it's associated with 50 Shades of Grey). So, despite what you may think you know, I know that my girlfriend and I are in a relationship. I also know she has allowed her physical appearance to deteriorate not because she doesn't value my opinion, but because she knows that my feelings for her are not purely superficial. She is unfit because exercise and a healthy diet is difficult when we both work 12-15 hour days.
2) With respect to the caveat, although I don't know which woman you're referencing, it doesn't matter. Everyone does something because it "suits" them. Even altruism is not completely selfless. Some are more altruistic than others merely because they are in a position that facilitates altruism.
3) I am not afraid of commitment. I've been with my girlfriend for more than three years. We've moved across the country together. She's met my family. I think I'm pretty committed. Hence the dilemma with respect to losing someone I've come to know and love.
4) I've already addressed your repeated self-esteem argument. With respect to a co-worker being mistress -- how often do we choose to be attracted to others?
5) I agreed with KeeKay because I should not "aid and abet" mistress with her drinking but that was part of the problem between us. So rather than continuously asking her to stop everything cold turkey. I thought I'd try another approach. Maybe a gradual approach. In any case, no matter how you look at it. I'm not equipped to handle that issue. That requires professional counseling and commitment on her end to want that change.
The rest of your arguments are repetitive. I appreciate your feedback. But, your approach detracts from the message(s) you attempt to convey. Try to use language that is less florid and stop attacking collateral issues that really have no bearing on the issue at hand. Your approach makes it seem like you're trying too hard to sound insightful and intelligent (I know you're not because you actually know how to use the words you use).
1. Sometimes even though intellectually you realize someone is very physically attractive, there still is not chemistry. You have no chemistry with your girlfriend. Even if your girlfriend had the physique of a super model, you still would not have chemistry with her. Therefore, the right thing to do is break up with her.
2. Your mistress is an non-recovering alcoholic. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a non-recovering alcoholic. It is possible to experience a lot of drama and abuse, and then you get to write to advice columns such as this ... maybe you're into that kind of thing.
"Okay Soulmate. Just to clarify, I was joking around when I said that thing about the death threat."
Just checking. But you might want to try emoticons next time or type 'ha-ha'. I'm sure a grown man like you, not to mention one who likes to think of himself as clever, could manage a simple act of avoiding any room for confusion, yes? (no?)
"1) My profession has nothing to do with my personal life. Admittedly, mistress is my legal secretary"
ROFL!!! Wait. Stop. Read that back and join me here on the floor!
Anyway, that wasn't the aspect I implied was unethical.
Is there any point to my going any further in my response, considering you clearly haven't paid enough attention to my first post to have got the correct gists despite everyone else manages it?
"Unless you yourself are an attorney, you have no idea the commitment it takes to work towards becoming an attorney. The studying and extra curricular activities by themselves take a toll on your personal life and effectively change one's character. You do not know me and should refrain from judging my character and integrity based on the fact that I'm struggling to make an emotional decision that does not entirely involve logic."
Oh yes I do, *oh yes I do (certainly enough), and no I shouldn't. *It's called ACTIONS. And the point of logic is so that we DON'T all fly off with the self-indulgence fairies. Logic supervises the heart. With tools such as morals, from which stem scruples and principles. Or was that too florid for ya.
"The only people who are qualified to say that I am not an attorney are other attorneys who are members of the Board of Bar Examiners of my state who ( before I am allowed to be admitted as a practicing member of the bar) administer the bar exam, evaluate my background for good moral character and integrity, and when I am admitted continue to evaluate my character as an attorney to ensure I am not unethical. As attorneys, we are not part of any social judgment arena. In fact, we are referred to as counselors because we take no side on any issue and are trained to see both sides of the argument -- no matter what the argument (murder, divorce, breach of contract). Again, unless you are a member of the Board of Bar Examiners, you have no right and are not qualified to speak to me on that issue."
I meant not innately and/or across the board. Jeez. Are you being deliberately obtuse?
You may have the potential for good moral character and integrity and may at THAT point have had the wherewithal, but you are not currently applying them. Is that really beyond your intellectual reach?
"1) Your evaluation of my relationship is based on the idea of monogamy. A healthy amount of this country's populace does not in fact practice monogamy."
A HEALTHY amount? (Deliberate Freudian, anyone?) The whole flippin' world could be practising polygamy but that wouldn't make it or them healthy!
Well, then, I should stop right now where you're concerned. Because I'm not here to help perpetrate perversions of Nature, self-harm or anything untoward. And nor is this forum. You obviously want a swingers' or adulterers' forum if its delusions-complicity you're seeking. But don't, then, complain you're unhappy and in a moral quandry because it won't wash.
I mean, I think you need to think things through better because you're contradiction-on-legs: this doesn't feel right / this is perfectly acceptable (because a small sector of society are doing it).
"Now, if you were in fact correct about the "lego" theory, I would not in fact be agonizing over a decision to choose one or the other."
If you hadn't viewed them as Lego you wouldn't have anything to agonise over in the first place.
Oh, good grief. If this is a genuine sample of the intelligence quotient of America's attorneys then god help it!
You cannot argue, as in, debate, by simply dodging points and their clearly defined meanings. It's not then an argument, it's just an exercise in avoiding an argument.
WHEN you're prepared to take on some consistent substance and answer that post of mine sensibly, truthfully and courageously self-critically, give me a knock. Until then, I can't nail jelly to the ceiling and you, sir, are deliberately acting like jelly that hasn't even set.