PeoplesProblems Logo

Is everything my fault?

Default profile image
Relationship advice
well i got into a fight with my boyfriend. it was all my fault. i have problems with bipolar and he knows and understands or i thought he did. me and him go everywhere together. i mean he works 8 hours a day though. i just like spending time with him and getting out of the house. well i had to go to my dr today and i told him yesterday i would go alone. and then this morning it dawned on me that tomorrows our daughters birthday so i said maybe u should come with so we can get stuff and he got upset obviously. but i was the one who started bitching and saying what are u not gonna get her anything? and he just turned cold when we were on our way we were screaming at each other and he started saying really mean things. idk what to do. when he left for work he was obviously still mad. we didnt talk the whole car ride home or the last hour at home together. the only thing he said was 'give me a kiss and a hug' before he left and an i love you, but that was the first of the day. i just feel so emotional. he's my best friend and he was just so mean today. he says i never shut up. from the time i wake up to the time i go to bed i never shut the fuck up. i just like talking. i dont have anyone to talk to. all my friends screwed me over. i'm always stuck at home with our 2 kids. one of them is a 3 yr old with autism. its alot to handle. he's suppose to care about me instead he can just sit there and watch me bawl my eyes out even when i say sorry and he doesnt feel bad or give me a hug or anything. when i get like that i just wish he would hold me and tell me it's ok. i would always do that for him if he was like this. we have been together 4 years now and we've had our handful of issues, but i love him so much. my problem is how insecure and weak i am. i couldnt handle him leaving the thought of it almost gives me a panic attack. I've had a really rough life and him and the kids are the only good in it. he kept saying he was done today and i kept asking what that ment? are u breaking up with me? and he told me to stop, like im being rediculous. i dont think he was hearing himself. i kept saying sorry. he said he thinks we need time apart but what does that mean? where would he go? we have 2 kids to take care of and i cant do this alone. i dont care if he's saying it just cuz he's mad because it still hurts me pretty bad. do u think he even feels bad? do u think he even cares? this is making me sick to my stomach i just need advice and something to make me feel better. i just can't lose my family. i'm trying. he likes to list every bad thing i do when we fight, like all my flaws. i ask him if theres anything that i can do right? and he said i can take care of the kids and i say is that it? and he couldnt think of anything u can tell. he just told me to stop. he says im being over dramatic alot but i cant keep this shit bottled in anymore. it makes me want to die. and everyday im just becoming more numb with my feelings. advice please?

Is everything my fault?

Default profile image
Hello
I didnt understand why he was upset coming with you and buy a present for your daughter. Is it because you yelled at him? From what you said I think there is a lot of tension between you two. You seem to be an impulsive person and he ma be tired of you it. Have he been more suportive in the past (for example hugging or saying that everything's going to be okay)? Maybe he has been tired of that tention or maybe thats how he acts-he becomes distant when things get weird. Either way, I believe you should discuss about all this. Tell him exactly what you need from him but not in an insulting way or a way that shows that he understimate him. Tell him you need his support because the support he shows is the best and makes you feel okay. I believe you should praise them while telling him what you need, since he will feel helpful and that has a role. Also, apologise for your part but try not to do the same mistakes. Try to limit your impulsive self, try to be more diplomatic. It also helps if you listen to yourself while you talk and sense how the other might feel. If he needs some more space and silence time then respect that. Men need respect. Don't think over and over again about things that he says when you fight because its a time full of tension an anger so they only thing he wants at that moment is not to be the loser. Maybe a good idea to calm things is to do something defferent these days or show that you care about him in a different way.
The best thing to do is to have an intelliegent filter that makes you choose what to say, when and in what way. That is achieved better if you think before you act.
Of course is not only your fault. I can see you need support and dealing with bypolar must be a heavy task. Don't lose your courage and believe in calm and deep conversations.
:)

Is everything my fault?

Default profile image
Autistic kid. Nuff said. One of the two chefs (that's you and he) 'put' that ingredient in or the ingredient was always in the pot (put there by your parent chefs) but just needed a condiment added by one of the two chefs to bring out it's flavour to where it was finally detectable.

Bipolar, Autism - cousins = compatible.

Wasn't about fault. Just was.

Aspies have character/personality dials like everyone (think volume knob), but rather than set somewhere around 5 on the 0-10 settings, are set on 11 or -1 (being normal/neurotypical magnified or shrunk).

Some people feel/like this/that. Some don't. Now put them and those settings of theirs under a magnifying glass or de-magnifying glass and voila - Aspie.

Normal: Bit discombobulated by the unexpected/surprises.
Aspie: Get VERY upset. Inordinately. Panic, even.
(Normal does like surprises? Normal man magnified is fruit-loopy over them.)

Normal man: Floods (emotionally overloads), panics, bails out/makes other bail out.
Aspie: Uber-floods, uber-panics (whether well-hidden or not), uber-bails/uber-makes other bail out.
(Normal man doesn't flood? Normal man magnified doesn't react what..so..ever. Genuinely.)

The un-bracketed part sounds like someone *we* know, doesn't it? ;-)

Hardly surprising. 'Takes one to know one'. Definitely takes one to tolerate choosing to live with one up-close 24/7. Or takes a similar/compatible one.

Your husband should do the AQ Test ( http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/arc_tests). So should you (in case of misdiagnosis by diagnosing only the co-morbid Rapid-Cycling(?) Bipolar and not the main condition - or mild form/touch of - itself. Or ask for a diagnostic second opinion. Could be his family's Autistic Spectrum disorder gene was big enough that it woke up fully inside your kidlet without having had to have had a 'twin' in your family's genes to spark it up, or could be whatever degree between the two of you. But there ain't no arguing with having an Autistic kiddie.

For this main reason amongst others, Aspie and Bipolars are attracted to each other. Go see the website Wrong Planet and chat to mental and situational likemindeds (i.e. bipolars typically married to Aspies), and then whenever hubbie comes home you'll just want to talk to the normal level (...whereupon he'll start complaining how you don't really chat to him any more, LOL).

Also there are sites for mums wanting to online chat or meet regularly every week. Have a google.

Aspies (non-neurotypicals) DO NOT LIE!!!! (unless a gun's held to their head, often not even then). They feel too icky afterwards. They take the rule too far, see (view it under their magnifying glass to where the rule looks huge). But semi-Neurotypicals can. More so than 100% Aspies. Now define 'gun'.

To push you away (make you shut up before his head exploded from the bullet), he lied: "You *never* shut up, you this/that, you're a this/that...".

Oh, yes, he does feel bad. But because a cuddle's the last thing HE'D want (meaning, when, in that situation where he's upset and you give, one he thinks you're taking one), you must be just like him, right? (yawn, wrong - "Projection, Your Honour!"). OR... he feels to resentful at that point to feel like cuddling 'the (temporary) enemy'?

You're not weak, your mind is always otherwise engaged as is sucking up the lion's share of your available energy. WeakENED is not the same as weak.

You don't have to leave him. Who said you did? You just have to re-train him a little (easy-peasy).

Or are you talking about the I'm Done bit? His subsequent 'G'is a cuddle' action proves he just meant, done with this conversation/argument, but served up in such a way where you COULD take it to mean 'forever'...if you wanted to...where it might upset you beyond very-speechy into *speechlessness*.

Course he feels bad. If you cause an animal pain (even because it can feel another animal's pain) and it can't turn it off or fix it because it's cornered and you have all the control, doesn't it yowl on and on, spit, scratch at you? Someone who doesn't feel pain either on your behalf or his or both, (barely) says, "Pff", or lies and says, "Ok, will do"... and then opens a book (and never 'does').

Here, meet KALASAURABH who has a similar problem right now:

http://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/6345/Treated-Like-Shit-By-My-Girlfriend-Wen-Shes-Frustrated-Cause-Of-Ny-Problem

In your case, though, you have to train him a little not just by how you respond but by how you to choose to initiate and conduct. Try raising contentious issues as if you were his client. He's probably used to that format and can deal with it, meaning he'll be less likely to flood and bail out (try to make you bail out) well before the conversation's completed and harmony restored. Certainly, if he still reacts and responds the exact same despite you do, you'll know you're dealing with another kettle of fish entirely - a selfish me-me-me merchant - and can come back here and say so (on this thread).

Nah. He's just a normal bloke. Magnified a little. But with his "Don't Like Unexpecteds" knob turned up to 11.

How do I know? Easy:

HE CAME SHOPPING ANYWAY!!! :-)

Actions - this case, nice - speak louder than words - this case, nasty. :-)

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3