Post Break-Up Trauma
I would like to start off letting you know that I am a very emotionally stable person. However, due to the my recent dilemma, I have been feeling the worst I've ever felt. Recently my boyfriend of almost 5 months broke up with me. I have had longer relationships in the past, but this one was probably the most intense. We started off meeting each other in college. It was my first week, and I have finally gotten over my last relationship from a person who only wanted me for sex (which I refused, because I could never trust him). So during this week, I was feeling independent and simply happy. That's when I met my boyfriend. We had an instant connection. We had a lot in common and for me, it really was "love at first sight". He felt the same, because just 3 days later he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was also quick to tell me he loved me, but I felt the same. Our first kiss was something that I can't get over. It wasn't intense or passionate, but quick. It was just innocent, because as soon as he kissed me he was super happy, like a little kid. I don't know why I can't get over that but it's just something that made me think he's not like the rest.
He never told me a lie. He was (and still is), super honest. He says what's on his mind and showed that he truly cared about me. We had a lot of happy memories and shared a ton of similar views. He was a "good" boy, doesn't believe in drinking/smoking/partying, and doesn't believe in cheating. He truly loved me, because he could remember little things about me that other people didn't see. I felt like a part of me was left with him.
Anyway, as the relationship progressed, he started to lose interest. He didn't like how one day, I got mad at someone and lost my temper (it wasn't anything too crazy, but he wasn't expecting it.) I apologized, but he seemed upset. So we talked about it the next day and pretty soon it was forgotten. He started criticizing little things I did, and because he's extremely bright, he could take anything I said and turn it around, backing up his reason with scientific evidence. It was crazy how smart he was, yet he talked to me quite condescendingly. I couldn't help but admire his intelligence. I was (and still am) madly in love with everything about him. He could also make me laugh, and he could give me advice or help me out with homework, give me tips about college, and he was a HUGE part of my day-to-day life. As I said before, I am a very independent person. But he was my best friend, and we agreed to meet up every day and he told me he loved me and made time for me.
He loved to hang out with his guy friends. I let him do so, because I knew that he loved me and I loved him. It doesn't take a lot for me to be happy. Just knowing that he cared about me could keep me happy throughout the day, whether or not I got to see him. I was so thankful I had him, and it's crazy how satisfied I was. I couldn't help but thank God everyday for letting our paths cross, and pretty soon, my boyfriend invaded all my thoughts. This was out of my control. He loved to talk about his thoughts and views, and I listened and considered what he had to say. I looked up to him a lot. He became my obsession. However, as he had a habit of criticizing my thoughts, I started to become less opinionated. That's when things started to get uglier.
Now my boyfriend knew that he was attractive and smart, and he let me know that he knew it, too. A lot of times he would say, "I know everything". I knew that he was arrogant, but I tried to overlook this quality because I like to hold on to someone I truly care about. But he started slacking when it came to dates. I ended up driving him everywhere because he doesn't have a lot of money. I understood, but pretty soon he started showing no effort at all. He wouldn't even suggest that I would pick him up anymore. Whenever I saw him, he could care less. He chose to hang out with his friends constantly. I let him do whatever he wanted. I know that I'm starting to sound like a weakling, but I wanted to keep him. I should have communicated better, but I felt like he would think what I had to say was stupid. And to this day, I deeply regret not speaking up.
A few days ago he broke up with me. The days that led up to this were awful. He barely said but a few words to me, and acted cold. I wish I could have said something about it to him, but I thought that he just wanted some time to himself. I allowed him to continue ignoring me. Then one day, he told me that we weren't meant to be, and I'm just not someone that he clicks with. He told me the person meant for him is a person who can take over him mind, body and soul. He started telling me about couples that he knew who got along, always hung out, and were meant for each other. Now my boyfriend already had my mind, body and soul. Hearing him tell me this (although he did it in the most nice kind of way), made me just sit there, paralyzed with sorrow. I didn't say a thing. I couldn't utter two words without tears.
The next day, I thought of all the things I could say. I still want to tell him this. I want him to know that the reason I become so boring is because he would criticize every little thing I would say. Naturally, I am a very sociable person. I can talk to my friends and literally anyone else but him. I feel like I failed this relationship because I was afraid of communication. But that's what we needed the most! We haven't talked since the break up. I go to college everyday but nothing is the same. Even though he made me feel unimportant at times, he helped me to improve as a person. For example, he gave me advice on how to not be so nervous during a class presentation, tips on school, sports, and basically everything. I still use his advice, and that's why it's so hard to get through life without thinking of him. He took away my energy, my happiness, and my hope. He basically told me that I don't do anything for him, and those are the words that hurt me the most. Out of all the possible things to say to me in the world, telling me that I'm not "the one" by someone who I absolutely love and accepted crushed me. I can't even think about getting into another relationship because he was everything I wanted. He gave me so much hope and happiness. I can't get through the day without missing him. The worst part is, I'm holding onto false hope. I keep telling myself that if I talk to him and tell him that I couldn't be myself around him, that he will give me another chance. Even if this never happens, I resist the urge to talk to him everyday. He still wants to be friends, but I want to talk to him about the relationship one last time. I feel like I'm drowning with my thoughts and need to tell him to get air.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the huge post. Believe it or not, there are more details that I could explain in depth but then I'd end up typing a novel. If there is any advice on what I should say to him/do, please share! If you read this whole topic, I applaud you. I am a little embarrassed about posting this, because I have never told anyone the whole story of our relationship. I never mentioned the fact that I admire him and his qualities, and almost idolize him. I know it's unhealthy, but I couldn't help it. I want to assert myself and tell him how I feel once and for all. I just need to know when/how to do so.
Sounds like when you met this guy - feelings and the relationship progressed rather quickly. That my friend is infatuation, that's what you felt. Many people confused infatuation with love - thus love at first sight. Anyway I'm sorry he hurt you, but you need to stop holding on to false hope. You can't convince, beg or plead someone to stay. He told you how he felt and why - he was honest and gave you closure. If you weren't good enough for him, what makes you think you ever will ? I'm sorry but he is not the guy you want to be with. There are other nice good guys out there who will see your worth and know you are good enough for them. Yes, break ups are painful and we're going to feel crushed being dumped but you have to learn from this. You tried and put in the effort, you thought you loved him, you gave as much as you could and it still wasn't good enough for him. It's time to let him go, concentrate on your studies, go back to being social with your friends, use your support network to get through this. To help you walk through this pain, face it, embrace it and then let it go. I speak from a lot of relationship experience, you're still learning. I feel for you and hope one day you can look back on this and see how he was a lesson. Your mind is what creating your thoughts - don't chase after this man, don't ever run after someone who's heart isn't in it to be with you. You deserve better.
Hello. You make like him, admire, or even more. But don't think that your life depends on others. Take it back from him. Take control/charge of your life. Wait and watch. Otherwise let him go. Take it as a life lesson.