Why is it so hard to move on?
Hello everyone and thank you for helping me out!
I'm 24 years old, I've never been in a serious relationship and I had always been okay thay way. Last year I fell in love for the first time with one of my very best friends (who lives in another continent)... needless to say, I ended up with a broken heart. I've been trying really really hard, but I just can't move on... I can't stop thinking about her and how unfair I feel this is, no matter how hard I try or how many people I meet, I just don't want anyone but her... Why can't I just move on!? At times I start feeling okay then somee days it all just comes back to me and I get depressed again and I just can't get over this. Please help! I'm tired of feeling this way
Hey, I'm only 4 years your senior so i don't have too much more experience in this world than you - - but i can tell you from my limited amount of experience that your love for someone, if it was real, is always going to linger. You're always going to think about that person. There are going to be moments where you're having a great time with great people and that person will just pop into your head. Something as simple as someone ordering the same drink might trigger memories.
Now, moving on.... That's something that even the best of us have trouble doing. Now, it's always easy to move on if someone is out of sight. Out of sight of mind... Right? Not in your case. I'd imagine you don't see this person since she's living on another continent. If you're truly ready to move on i would stop communicating until you can get a hold of your emotions. So, my suggestion is to start channeling your energy. Do something that's healthy like going to the gym more often. Make sure you're not at home sulking. Try to spend more time with your support system (friends and family). In time, go on dates but don't get seriously involved with someone until you know that you're over ex.
Moving on takes time but it can be done if you're sure that you're done. You said the lack of fairness bothers you. What exactly is it that you think was unfair?
(PREVIEW) Reply from JonasD on Jan 24 2015 at 21:24 (GMT)
That's exactly what happens to me... sometimes she just pops into my head... I wish it didn't happen.
You're right, I almost never see her but still can't forget her. I've been doing many of the things you recommended, I'm really working but still can't seem to move on.
I know this is very stupid and incorrect, but here's why I think this is unfair (I know I'm wrong, but I can't shed the feeling of "unfairness"
: I had always been quite fine by myself, I wasn't looking for love and I ended up falling in love (for the first time) with someone who lives in another continent. I met her in a semester abroad program, we became very close friends and then one day out of nowhere I realized I was in love with her (less than a month before I returned to my country)... just like that, she became the only person I've ever wanted to be with and the only one that's ever made me feel that way, and she lives thousands of miles away. Finally, I also think she might have been playing with my feelings, and I've never played with nobody's feelings... so why is it I'm being played like that?
I know... sounds dumb, but that's how I feel.
When you lose something you had hopes for, it is natural to grieve for your loss. Not only are you not with the person that made you happy but any future together you had hope for is now gone. This won't go overnight I'm sorry to report and will take time.
However, you should find it easier to let it go if you can make the decision to forgive her for (from what you say) you consider to be her fault (whether consciously or subconsciously), that you fell in love with her. Forgiveness breaks the hold that the hurt has on you, did you parents used to tell you life isn't fair? Unfortunately when you grow up you realise that this is so totally true, good people see misfortune, bad people can get lucky etc. Not forgiving people not only doesn't really hurt them, instead it damages you.
NB Forgiving means that you absolve the person of any blame for the hurt that you received, whether they did cause it or not and instead choose to wish the best for them as you would like to happen for you. It's hard, but you have to repeat this everytime you feel yourself blaming them for the hurt you are feeling. It doesn't make any sense until you try it, I know, but this is my advice.
I'm sorry that you are hurting and I wish the best for you in the future.
You have to really WANT to get over her. And because it sounds like you knew her only for a short time, she can be removed to a "pleasant, first-love experience" slot in your mind and heart.
What you crave is the FEELINGS you had about her.
May I tell you that you CAN capture those feelings (not the same, but just as pleasant and intense) with another person, but you MUST make up your mind to find it again. This time, closer and with a chance of a real, lasting relationship.
I think if you really thought about it, you will realize that was a very nice time in the past. And the future can be just as wonderful. But only if you WANT it. (Otherwise you stay where you are, going round and round about something you have no oontrol about)
Hi VIOLETTE and SUSIEDQQQ and thank you very much for your replies,
Thanks for your good wishes VIOLETTE. I agree with what you say; I don't think I'm angry at her because I condsider it to be her fault that I fell in love with her, but I do think I'm angry at the situation and I need to just forgive myself (and the situation) to let go. I hope it doesn't take too long for me to be able to do it. And it does make perfect sense.
As for what you said SUSIEDQQQ, I think you're absolutely right. I miss her and the way I feel when I'm with her... I want to feel well, but I don't think (subconsciously, anyway) I want to get over her and I'll tell you why... I did know her for a short period of time (6 months), but those 6 months were very significant and I grew very, very close to her. I agree I should look at it as a very nice time in the past, but there's one huge problem with that... I'm still in contact with her. We talk very often, maybe not every single day, but at the very least once a week. This means she's still not in the past, and I'm not willing to cut her off because I genuinely care about her and I want her in my life, even if we're nothing more than just friends. But I still can't stop thinking about her, I still can't stop wanting her...
I understand why some people hate falling in love hahaha
Hi Jonasd, I'm afraid still thinking about her and talking to her (currently) is just torturing yourself. Sorry if any of this is OTT, just trying to make a point. When she messages you currently you gasp Its her! but with other friends you think Heeey cool she messaged me. I suggest asking for time to get over her so you can be genuine friends. You could still stay in touch, for instance if you are friends on Facebook, like or post (just one) comment on something she posts but dont actively go to her profile or message her, that kind of thing. Then go back to actual chatting when your response is Heeey, not *gasp*, comprende?
At the moment your feelings (not you) are sitting on the couch wishing you could be with the fictional character on tv (which as she doesn't want to be your girlfriend any hopes for the future are fictional) when they need to get to the gym for a work out, check out some pretty girls, flirt with girls in a bar or online...Get them actively working, you don't actually have to be looking for girlfriend number 2, but right now you're stuck in a rut and need to remind yourself there are options, not all of them would work out, but some would (unlike with your ex).
Hi VIOLETTE. Thank you very much again. I don't believe you're OTT and I agree with what you're saying. I know what I have to do but I just can't! It's too hard... I can't tell her "I need time and space to move on". Whenever I talk to her I feel happy and she talks to me and treats me with some sort of special sweetness and nobody else treats me like that... There's still a 1% part of me that still believes I can start something with her in the near future.
I don't know... I agree with you, and you told me exactly what I need to do to move on but I'm afraid of doing it...
Scenario: You're warm and cosy in bed, your dream was lovely. The alarm goes off, but you ignore it because you don't want to get out of bed. Now, the responsible person would get up anyway, things to be done, places to be. We're not all like that. However, at some point you have to realise, if you don't get up, it will get less comfortable, even if you have a bladder of steel you're going to be wearing the same clothes for too long. Is the plan to spend your whole life in bed? At some point you have to make that decision to GET UP. Yeah its not easy to do when you don't want to, but no one is forcing you to be there and life is still going on outside because time waits for no one.
Do yourself a favour! Get your arse out of bed and to the gym and you'll be a happier and healthier person for it