About 6 mos. ago I met a guy on-line in SL (Second Life). A chance meeting but we connected immediatedly. We surprised each other by really opening up to each other about our pasts and the emotional toil it's taken on us both. Lots of shared pain and secrets. A connection was formed - a deep one. I've never been married/no kids and I've led a sheltered life, but with lots of emotional abuse. He's been repeatedly hurt/broken marriages, failed relationships mostly with gold-diggers. So long story - I'm inexperienced but not naive and he's mistrustful, yet we both desire companionship, yet we also highly value space and solitude. I've talked to a rare few others in his life (we live on opposite sides of the U.S.) and he has told others about me, even his children, so I'm not a 'secret'.
He's told me repeatedly that he loves me. Yet he has stated that he has no desire to meet me (although this statement seems to change with his moods), and won't even form a formal alliance with me in SL (it's called partnering). In SL he owns an island sim and has invited me to live there, yet he insists that if I do, I must live in another home (NOT HIS,) this is in case he meets another lady and invites her back to the island to dance and talk with him (indeed, this was how our first night together went). He has a very strange attitude towards relationships. On one hand he believes in 'free love', yet he strongly condemns infidelity. He wants a meaningful relationship founded on a deep emotional connection. He constantly encourages me to date any number of guys who come-on to me in SL.
I think this tells me that he's only fond of me. That he doesn't truly love me when he says he does. When he told me that I could date and even have sex with whomever I wanted as well and that he was still out there seeking lady-friends, I was so hurt, I was speechless! He sensed that he had done something wrong and became more attentive towards me. The bottom line is that the mixed signals he sends out to me are maddening and heartbreaking. My common sense tells me to end this, yet I'm extremely lonely (I'm still grieving the devistaiting loss of a very close relative) and he has been very kind to me. But I'm tired of the pain of my heart being used like a yoyo and I've cried enough tears to last me a lifetime.
I can’t say I fully understand loss because to be honest I just don’t entirely feel for people like that. But I can empathize with heart ache. This is what is called a clash of cultural norms. For example his norm is let’s say bright lime green, vibrant and flamboyant. Yours is deep dark cautious green, more relaxed, more controlled and sturdy with another solid sturdy color. Though he’s a green and in your mind green is solid. He’s a bright solid green. So basically your trying to make a very dark shade of the same color fit with a very bright color of the same color.
You can fit together cause you have both connected as “green people” so to say. But you cannot unless both of you transition to a color where you meet in the middle. If only one decides to force themselves to change the relationship will be miserable and in the end will fail.
Then you also get into the concept of “love.” He said he loves you but his actions aren’t quite proving it at least in your’s and my book. But to him his viewpoint may differ immensely from that of ours. Thus were culture may be influencing this. But also psychological pain and what not but that’s another tiger entirely lol. I didn’t dive into too much detail because I got work but yea I think that’s enough for now.
Is this an on-line romance? (you say he does not want to meet you) Do you skype?
Things are not always like they seem in these fantasy worlds. Since you have never met him, how do you know "he" even exists?
Please seek grief counseling for the loss of your friend.
(Scuse wee interruption, folks: Keekay! Where've you been? Great to have you back!
Please note: "Second Life' is a 3-D virtual world internet game.
Often grief is so profound that we will do anything to not think about the loss. This is what has happened.