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Please help me move on and feel happy again!

Posted by
on Jan 26 2015 at 20:53
Member since: 05 October 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category Thank you very much for helping me out! I'm a little desperate and I don't know who to ask for help, so I came here. I'm really sorry for the long post, but I need to let this all out and hope you understand the whole picture and give me your advice.

I'll start by describing myself:

I'm 24 years old, my friends know me for being a very happy, noble person and a gentleman. Although I've had many chances to start relationships with several women, I've never had a girlfriend because I always end up backing out for two reasons: 1) no one has made me feel anything special and 2) I've always been quite okay by myself so I don't feel like having to work and making efforts to date someone who just doesn't make me feel "it" (I know this is wrong but that's just me).

Two years ago I studied a semester abroad, where I became really close friends with another exchange student. Less than a month before we both returned to our countries surprise surprise: I realized I had fallen in love with her... really hard but, for many reasons, I didn't act on it. On our last night, I kind of tried to tell her (but didn't), she got a little emotional, asked me if I wanted her (I didn't answer) and then just spent the night sleeping with her head on my chest.

We continued to talk a lot after we left, and last year she came to visit me with another friend from the semester abroad. I noticed she was very touchy and cuddly, but I refused to act on it (even though I was still in love with her). Right when we were saying our last goodbyes I told her I loved her; she started crying and told me "please don't say that". That was it.

When she got back to her home, she texted me "please don't for get me, I'm sorry it has to be this way but distance is really bad... it's better this way". Then she started telling me that she wasn't happy at home and stuff like "I wished you lived closer", "you're like my guardian angel", "my happy self exists because of you", etc. And she also started sending sad love songs that just spoke to me. I thought hey... I need to do something. So I sent her a letter (I know...) telling her how I felt and asking her if she ever felt the same way; she said it was beautiful and made her cry and that she would reply in some time.

After that, things continued as usual. Then out of the blue, she stopped texting... So I got the message. We stopped talking for about 2 months, then she started texting me again; and I was pretty cold with her. She noticed this and told me she was sorry for dissappearing for a while but she was very busy with school, she told me she didn't want to lose me. That felt really bad.

Now, again we're back to normal and she said her letter will be arriving soon. The thing is, I've been constantly depressed because of this for a while... It hurts me to know I'll never be with her, but I'm not willing to lose her to feel better because, as odd as it may seem, nothing makes me happier than her. How can I just move on and accept we'll only be friends? How can I help myself want someone else than her and be happy again?

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 27 2015 at 02:00
Member since: 19 August 2014
That's not a long post, it's a pretty average-sized one. Why - could you have made it longer?

"1) no one has made me feel anything special and 2) I've always been quite okay by myself so I don't feel like having to work and making efforts to date someone who just doesn't make me feel "it" (I know this is wrong but that's just me)."

Nope, it's not wrong. And it's perfectly common and normal... assuming the reasons behind it are healthy, of course. Let's see, shall we? (I'm taking this one para at a time, in other words.)

You SURE you'd fallen in love with her and not the country/lifestyle?

Also, I'd be more convinced she'd fallen in love with you if she hadn't gone and said you were just the right shape and size to fit into various of her dam holes. That's not love, is it. It's need. You're only supposed to need your lover because you love them so much, not the other way around. Maybe THAT'S why you haven't been able to cross the action threshold - because you've got amazing senses and insight thus can tell the difference between the two? However, irrespective, you're a bloke. As such your ego is programmed to respond to damsels making distress noises. That WILL make you feel good/happy. But not long-term.

Methinks she'd sensed what's behind your reluctance to make a move and therefore 'stooped' to making 'I need a hero' noises. IOW, if she can't lure you naturally, she'll try activating another of your primitive drives. And she'll do that because she needs the right shaped bung for her dam holes.

Sounds very much to me like in the period between your letter and her response, some other male bung/hero stepped in. I mean, school, my arse. School or anything else didn't stop her from keeping in touch previously, did it.

Your solution is to find another area of life in which to flex your hero muscles. And then you won't need her. She spotted that need of yours and used it, see.

In short, make sure you need NOTHING from a woman except for love (and same for her). And then purely love is what you'll end up with. And you instinctually know this which is why you never 'went there' with her and are waiting until you're fully rounded so that you'll attract a Like.

You don't have a problem, IOW. You have the opposite. But because too many others have a problem, you think there must be something wrong with you.

Nope. Carry on trucking.

Reply from
on Jan 27 2015 at 05:49
Member since: 05 October 2014
Hi! First of all thanks a lot for replying!

I could have made it a lot longer... I just told the summarized version to avoid boring people. But please, if you want any more details or something let me know. That's why I'm here! To tell my story and hear opinions!

Now, on to what you said. I do feel pretty certain I fell for her and the country/lifestyle. I agree that the entire new experience and lifestyle thing probably had something to do with it, but in the end I just know that what I feel for her is "really real", really different from anything I've ever felt.

In terms of the neediness and the damsel in distress thing, I don't think that's it. I've dated a couple of women who started doing that; complaining about their lives and looking for me to make them feel good and it was an instant turn-off that made me back out of it right away... I just don't feel comfortable doing that (not even with friends). But with her it's different, I genuinely care about how she feels and want to be there for her. Also, that thing where she was telling me she wasn't happy and all that stuff only lasted for about a week (personal stuff happened to her family), and it has been the only time she's ever done it that way. Also, it was after I told her I loved her and all that... About three weeks after visiting me.

On the need-love relation you said, I agree with you. I just don't think it's the case here.

On the period between my letter and how after a month or so she started responding less frequently and then not at all I agree with you... I think there was someone else there. What I don't understand is, why would she all of a sudden start communicating again, saying she doesn't want to lose me when we're so, so far away and she already found someone there? And why would she even care to reply to my letter? I would understand if we were friends that saw each other every day, but in this case? I just don't get it.

I'll try to wrap my head around that "she spotted that need of yours and used it". That may be true, eventhough I don't want to believe it because I really thought she cared about me, but it just might be the answer I'm looking for.

I'm glad you feel I don't have a problem, it makes me feel a little bit better.

Again, thanks a lot!

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 27 2015 at 13:14
Member since: 19 August 2014
No, Jonas, what you're admitting is that what you half-feel for her and half-feel for the country COMBINED feels real and different from anything you've ever felt. But if you take the country love out of it, what you're left with is... not a lot, not enough. And how do you take the country love out of it anyway? She and it are in your mind inextricably linked.

What I'm saying is, of course you've never felt like this before - a woman never symbolised highly attractive emigration before. I realise she isn't a native but it's perfectly possible that your mind projected these feelings onto her anyway. To see proof of this one need only remember that before you'd properly attached to the country, you felt only friendship towards her. Less than a month to go before having to leave - not wanting to, HAVING to - and - hey-ho-whaddaya-know - you've "fallen for her". Then when she visits your home country, suddenly lack of actions says you haven't fallen for her ENOUGH. Sorry, but no.. actions speak louder than words. These are all the details I need.

In fact, it's quite possible that it is just the country you fell in love with. Ever consider that? Maybe that's "home"? Maybe that's why you can't fall for anyone in your so-called home country, not even this woman?

Understand what I'm saying when I say this. You had a window of opportunity (her visit) and you ignored it until you could tell it was too late. That, is you just going through the motions. Probably so that you can tell yourself you're *not* romantically abnormal like you've been fearing. Well, you're not anyway.

Regarding it having been the first time she'd employed DiD behaviour: So what if you'd gone blah-blah with your mouth and told her you loved her? Again, actions or lack of them subsequently, have a way of contradicting this. As for her? If she's the kind that, on seeing what supposedly is the romantic Green light starts spilling her problems and woes at a man, then she *definitely* isn't after a boyfriend, just a free therapist or some coat-tails on which to hitch a ride to BettermentsVille. It is NOT romantic to start pointing out your warts so early on and neither does it follow the behaviour programme one is instinctively compelled to follow when one is genuinely newly in love.

As for this: "why would she all of a sudden start communicating again, saying she doesn't want to lose me when we're so, so far away and she already found someone there?" Answer: because then it (her and this unseen 'love' interest) went PLEUGH, meaning, she needed to turn her attentions back to you again.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm sure she did CARE for you. But it's fondness, not pure love. Pure Love regenerates and never dies, the longer you're with the person you're in love with. Needs, however, either get grown out of or die once sated and replaced by some other fulfilment source laid on by life. Once they do, you - the original needs fulfilment store - become surplus to requirements, albeit the underlying fondness makes the once-shopper just as sad to realise it as you. You want a woman who doesn't have a problems or only ones she can sort out herself or already did. A woman wanting you and only you should want to do a happy tap dance to impress you, not start playing some depressing tune on the violin. It's known as, putting your best foot forward. The 'crap' foot comes later. Much, MUCH later.

Don't feel bad or duped, though. She won't have tried to use you deliberately. This mistaking need for love is all too common (hence why so many divorces, increasingly, nowadays). But now you have in your toolbelt a distinguishing-o-meter, don't you (10p, please).

So, back to your love affair with this country: Genes are like homing pigeons. It might be worth you paying a geneologist to look into your family tree to see whether any of your ancestors previously all hailed from this country?

No, you don't have a problem. You're just obeying your deepest instincts albeit haven't had a chance to them manifest yet, which gives the illusion of you being "too fussy". So, do tell - what *was* this country wherein the future love of your life likely resides? (Saying that, it could just be that this country was on that nationalities slow-but-sure migratory route to some other end destination. But that's great because it means you have LOTS of choices regards meeting a woman of that nationality without having to be in that specific country.)

Reply from
on Jan 27 2015 at 21:02
Member since: 05 October 2014
You're completely right, the country and her are inextricably linked in my mind. What you say does make a lot of sense, but I'm still not sure. I promise I'm challenging mymyself with it. Whay I meany by saying the country had to do something with it is that I think being abroad forced me to completely step out of my comfort zone, which forced me to leave my shell and stop being so protective of myself and I ended up letting her in and I ended up falling for her. Nowadays, when I remember my trip she pops into my head, but when I reremember her the trip is not what I think of... But hey, still I'm giving this a lot of thought. And guess what? I've already applied for a master's degree in the same country, so I guess I'll find out if that was it when I return Later this year. The country is England, by the way.

On why I didn't take advantage of my opportunity when she was here, it was because I was scared. I didn't feel like trying something and then saying goodbye after less than two weeks, and I didn't think she was going to be interested; a night before she left a friend of mine told me to do something or I would regret it, which is why I ended up telling her something before she left. Afterwards, when I sent her a letter, again I didn't think there was a chance but my friends told me that I had to try, they told me that I had to fight for it or otherwise I would never know what could've been. That, plus some things she had been saying to me and the songs and etc, made me say "what the heck, why didn't I do something before?". But trust me, my feelings for her had grown stronger when she came here.

I agree with everything else you said! So what do you think I should do to get over her? I've heard the most common advice is to suspend contact but, even if she doesn't care for me as much as I care for her, I definitely do not want her out of my life. I care too much (idk why)...

Reply from
on Jan 27 2015 at 21:05
Member since: 05 October 2014
Oh and, thank you very much for talking with me... means a lot.
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 28 2015 at 03:00
Member since: 19 August 2014
What - more than 10p? In that case, let's make it 50. ;-)

Yes, I know what you're saying - you 'found yourself'. And no, you won't be sure until you get to discharge/apply the crux instinctual urge in play here. Once you do, either certainty will dawn on you, probably instantly, as will explain why you let her in but then once out of that environment shut her out again. Why you expect this realisation to happen now/beforehand, I don't know. ..although I do: typical blokie impatience.

Get cracking then, yes?

Oh, wait - look - "I've already applied for a master's degree in the same country, so I guess I'll find out if that was it when I return Later this year." - you already are!

WELL WHADDAYAKNOW AND THEREYAGO! There obviously ain't no fooling your feet. Feet are true, mouth and consciousness are pretenders. Remember that.

Haaang on a minute... "The country is England, by the way. "

Ermahgeeerd, he's just plain bonkers!!! LOL (Wanna swap houses? Or climates?)

Anyway, for all we know it might just be a case of left foot first, as in, "home" first THEN working on her to share it. ??? Whatever... all I can tell is that the love for this country as a separate entity (which, by the way, has lots and lots of lovely mental institutions, LOL) trumps your feelings towards her as a separate entity.

I suggest you tell her you're confuuuuuused (thanks to her :-p) and would ask that she and you remain weekly pen-pals just for the time being.

Nest first, nest-mate second. Men may be a lil bit mad (and at-root English men who love England downright fruit-loopy) but they at least do things in the most sensible order, LOL.

Reply from
on Jan 28 2015 at 20:37
Member since: 05 October 2014
We should make it 100p Hahahahah...

I don't think I shut her out once out of that environment, which is surprising because Im usually very good at letting go of people... just not her.

"Feet are true": wow! This is so, so, so true! I felt I had a revelation when I read that! But still, if she would have told me she would like to try, or that she liked me back, I would have gone running to her and not England. But hey, England does like me back so I'll have to again hahah.. Even with its climate haha. I don't think my love for the country trumps my love for her, but if she hasn't told me she likes me back, and she might already have someone in her life then I just can't go to her... I can't. Obviously, while in England I will try to see her and see what happens (she lives in the same continent, I live in another one). For all we know I might end up meeting a 2.0 version of her and do it right this time around. Needless to say, I don't think anyone will ever compare to her but hey, I gotta move on someday.

I think I'll have to tell her Ill be needing some space to move on, but I don't want to risk losing her hah.. so difficult.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 30 2015 at 02:45
Member since: 19 August 2014
LOL. No, let's make it LOLOAQICI82QB4Ip (groan).

Yeah, you'll fit RIGHT in, you will. ;-)

No, by shutting her out again, I meant, not grasping the opportunity presented at the time. And feet that are keen enough don't need an invitation or cue, big-fat-Eh! And your next statement (which, because it was by accident, was your feet talking) proved both it and the fact you know it (look more closely -): "For all we know I might end up meeting a 2.0 version of her and do it right this time around."

Furthermore, for all YOU know, that 2.0 version might be her, by-then pimped! :-) Stranger things have happened.

BTW, it's not difficult if it's true. Only lies are difficult. Otherwise all you have to do is type without thinking about what you're thinking in jiggled-about-fingers fashion (stream of consciousness).

Reply from
on Jan 30 2015 at 19:36
Member since: 05 October 2014
"It's not difficult if it's true" I completely agree. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by leaving and heading there!
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Jan 31 2015 at 14:09
Member since: 19 August 2014
Your feet seems to think not. :-)

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?