Please help- I need advice on finding a woman who genuinelylikes me- 21yo virgin
Hi everyone, I know the internet is full of people with similar problems to mine but I was looking for some specific advice for me as a lot of the advice isn't particularly useful (general be yourself stuff).
Let me introduce myself- I am a 21yo male. I am a highly skilled and qualified guy- I'm working in academia as a researcher pursuing a PhD in engineering. I do have quite good social skills- I have a good range of good friends with a wide range of interests including sports, music (I play an instrument too) and movies/video games. Admittedly most of my friends are male and my interests are very manly (sports, gym etc) but I can hold small talk well enough.
I am not a physically attractive guy at all- I am physically very fit (I am currently skinny side but I'm very lean and defined and train hard to getting bigger) and well groomed and maintained (my hair is buzzed in pretty short- not particularly stylish but clean and I like it). My main problem is facial aesthetics (I just don't have a great face at all) which disappoints me but I feel I can probably make up for it by being in shape and tidy.
Anyway sorry for the long introduction, I feel it gives a better perspective of where I'm at.
I find it very hard to find women that notice me, or have feelings for me and to find women that I feel interested in. I have always chosen not to go for a woman based solely on her looks- however I haven't met many women who interest me with their personality, only a few and these were very random occurrences.
I feel most girls don't see me as a catch at all- most girls in my social circles do that condescending thing were they're like 'you're not a bad guy' or 'you're quite smart/cute' but then follow it up with 'you're not really my type though' or crap like that. I must stress that this is when these girls are drunk and not flirting with me (and I don't flirt with them).
I feel like I'm a good catch and a good guy, however girls don't seem to identify me as a good catch.
A lot of this will be down to being physically unattractive, however many of the girls I know go for guys just (or almost) as unattractive as me who also happen to be dicks. The old 'it's all about confidence' thing doesn't hold either as I am confident in who I am (although can be a little nervous at times, I'm usually pretty good).
The last thing I should add is that I've never had a gf or had sex before. I never had a problem with being a virgin as I thought it'd come eventually, however I feel if I maintain my virginity much longer I'll be left far too inexperienced to satisfy girls- you don't get many girls at 21 who are virgins (and I don;t care if they are or not anyway), but I feel it's relatively obvious that I'm a virgin and this could prevent potential partners wanting to have sex with me- they wouldn't want to get with a guy that doesn't know what he's doing. I could have sex quite easily- I know a girl that openly would like to have sex with me- however I do not like her very much as she also hits on all of my friends and has a reputation for having lots of bf's. She's basically just desperate for a bf and has a dull and irritating personality (I don't wish to sound mean here but she's not a nice person). I feel deep down having sex with her just for experience is not nice (although I wouldn't say it's using her as she just wants sex too) and I really don't want too. However the experience might help me attract a woman I do want to be with.
I would like to have a nice relationship with a nice girl who appreciates me for who I am as I'm genuinely a good guy.
Any advice for me would be great.
Sorry for the long post!
I'm a 33 year old female and I can tell ya one thing... don't lose your virginity just to get experienced. A good woman who genuinely cares for you will not refuse to date you because you are a virgin. She might even enjoy teaching you. If you really want a good thing, then wait for your good thing! I bet it can be pretty hard to be patient and believe that she will ever come along, especially at 21, but once you give it to someone you cannot get it back... so I would wait for the kinda of girl that you deserve. Besides, ugly people hook up every day. Good luck to you. I'm still waiting and it feels like an eternity. Hang in there.
"pursuing a PhD in engineering. I do have quite good social skills"
Unlike your stereotypical engineer, you mean?
"I am not a physically attractive guy at all"
LOL. Don't date yourself, then. Let others date you instead, yeah?
Understand what I'm trying to tell you?
"I find it very hard to find women that notice me, or have feelings for me and to find women that I feel interested in."
Rewrite: I find it very hard to find women I feel interested in and hence find it hard to make women notice me or feel attracted to me.
Well, you would, wouldn't you, think about it.
You may feel confident in areas ABCDEF, but you don't in GHIJK. That simple. Due to the fact you've convinced yourself you're not attractive, or that conventional good-looks are what make for attractiveness, you've switched off your sense of self-sexiness. Because you've switched that off, you're not exuding "I'm sexy" vibes. That simple.
Example: Ever seen a horse strutting around like he's god's gift to horses? Ever wondered how on earth he knows he's an impressive-looking horse despite horses don't have mirrors? You may think that's because of how the other horses see him and reflect such in their demeanour, but you'd be half wrong. That impressed-ness half the time is a FEEDBACK. It's this: "I'm gorgeous, don't you agree?" / "Yes, we do". So you need to work on taking stock on what those things are about you that are physically and mentally attractive and make the most of them. And then to realise that having a symmetrical face in all the right proportions is not what makes other people deem themselves attractive. It's simply something they have more noticeably to-hand to BLAME. A 'talisman', like someone believing they'll remain lucky thanks to carrying a rabbit's foot. However, their confidence in whatever aspects of themselves doesn't help them when it comes to KEEPING a woman.
You've got to start believing that you have your own particular type of allure, your own particular 'holes' out of which your attractiveness 'leaks' and which people 'smell'. Once you do that, you'll have the confidence to  look happier in your own skin (as makes women want summa that in the hope it'll given time rub off on them) and  to dare to mix and talk more with WOMEN - i.e. MORE women, not just the same ol' birds of the same feather within your same ol' little social circle. Or vice versa. Because you can either cultivate something from inside as then effects tangible results on the outside/in the environment as CONFIRMS & REINFORCES your new-found confidence, OR you can learn ways to FAKE that inner confidence as then effects tangible results as then CULTIVATES confidence for real on the inside. Fake it to make it or make it to make it. Depends on what type of person you are.
So let's put aside the issue of the girl who wants sex for a moment, and instead find out with a crux question: Have you EVER bluffed your way into any certain role or situation - petty, minor or major - that you weren't qualified for or were under-qualified for, managed to wing it anyway, possibly even impressively, and thereby ended up qualified in terms of experience? Or have you only ever got 'in' anywhere by flashing your certificates at the door?
Also: "you don't get many girls at 21 who are virgins"
Oh, yes, you bloody well do! You should see how many we've had coming onto this forum alone! Anyway, any woman who's really into you will blame this as much as anything for why she's so into you, a la (internal thought), '...And also, it's brilliant that he was a virgin because he hasn't picked up any bad habits, meaning I got to pimp my ride'.
As for this? : "but I feel it's relatively obvious that I'm a virgin". Sorry - utter tosh.
...Unless you have a badge declaring it, of course? ...in which case, I suggest you take it off. LOL Or don't - keep it on! After all, some girls like that and some don't. You were never going to be attractive to ALL of them so - comme ci, comme ca! - you can attract and keep the ones that do.
Here - did your mum or dad never have any unbridled talks about all of this sort of stuff with you? If not, are there any more erroneous notions you'd like corrected whilst you're here?
Thank you for your replies.
@SOULMATE that was an extremely helpful post- I am grateful for you putting the time in to reply.
I think that learning to exude a confident vibe like a strutting horse as you put it, would definately make a huge difference.
Expending my horizons and talking to more new women in different situations and social circles would be of benefit too.
Perhaps I just need to try harder at all of this.
Blimey, that was easy?! LOL
Okay, best of (self-made) luck!
You know why girls attracted to bad boys? It is not because they don't know he is a bad boy.
Bad boys exube self-confidence and assertiveness or fake it perfectly. That alone blindsides their other flaws and defects. Self-confidence in a man, IS a HUGE attraction for women.
Hence build a positive image about yourself ON yourself. Start moving with all kind of women, good and not-so-good
With time and practice you will start attracting women.
Yup. But do you know (LOL) why it is girls attribute a bad boy's faux confidence (arrogance) for why they're so drawn to them DESPITE their flaws and defects as clearly marks them as bad boys and the relationship doomed from the start?
It's because the girls are understandably (possibly not, these days) too immature to want to settle down thus wish to avoid becoming irreversibly psychologically locked-in (via the heart) before having sampled enough life experiences to become rounded enough to be a good mother, thus in the meantime choose idiots with whom the relationship cannot then possibly succeed beyond X months. They're also practising at being "real (grown-up) women", doing what real women do, and, courtesy of today's over-fast and -busy lifestyles as leaves them wanting in terms of teenage emotional education courtesy of their parents ("Ach, not NOW, I'm too busy!"), instead rely too heavily on (fictional) media portrayals of how grown-up women in relationships should behave. But obviously media spices it up with lots and lots of (wait for it) DRAMA, even melodrama. So despite they find themselves all-too-frequently sat tearfully by the silent phone, going, 'Whaaah, but he said he LOVED me!', they at least feel like they've conquered the rite of passage into adulthood.
The boys - equally immature in that respect yet mature in others - take the responsibility that our patriarchal society's drummed into them is theirs (by right of gender), for ensuring the girl ends up 'prematurely' firing them before genuine attachment gets to take hold in the male. If she fails to, that's when he does. Hence today's relationship break-ups from the women's point of view always tend to feature in the run-up a heck of a lot of "being messed around", "used" or downright "abused".
Once they're emotionally ready to enter the real deal, the girls instinctively switch to the nice guys and vice versa the nice boys who used to date bad girls.. yet behind it all, what's really happening (well, mostly) is the bad boys and bad girls (aided by greater experience) suddenly clean up their acts as allows them to start catching up with the Nice'uns (...which brings to mind that line in Bridget Jones's Diary where she says to Mr Darcy, 'Hey!...Nice guys don't kiss like that?!' and he replies, 'Oh, yes, they bloody do!'.)
(They should just call them Hares and Tortoises, really.)
But, yes, genuine self-confidence in a man is indeed a huge turn-on. In fact, evolutionary MANDATORY (unless the woman herself is bloke enough, LOL). And yes again - practise makes perfect.
Nice flourish, RASPERR, thanks!
That - you, me and SAWEET_D - was what you call a prime example of great teamwork! Furthermore, you've inadvertently raised a possibly crucial point, which is to perhaps try mixing with women who are slightly older than him to see if it's the difference that makes all the difference?
A couple of points, that might help.. not exactly specific to your post but looking at what you wrote, it may well apply to you.:
The girls loving bad boy thing is nonesense, the only reason bad boys get girls is because they aren't overly eager and constantly calling or texting, nice guys who have their own interests, hobbies and life away from the girl they like will get just as good a response from the girl, with much less drama and a much higher chance of a happy relationship.
A lot of guys get too eager in the beginning and love the buzz of waiting for a reply from a girl, the anticipation gets exciting, it's like gambling, and it's not healthy if you rely on it too much. It gets addictive and once the replies to slow down that's when you start questioning the girls interest in you. This can make you insecure, overly paranoid and spur you on to keep relentlessly contacting until you get a response (worse case scenario.. I;ve seen it happen), which will in the end push her away as you will come across far too needy.
Confidence wise, who cares if your confident, you can wing it and if you look nervous, big deal you had the guts to try, that's real confidence, not the bravado you see people throwing about.. a girl will appreciate and recognise that more, shy blokes get girlfriends too. You make a fool of yourself with a girl, laugh it off, it shows you can take a joke.
To put it simply, if you find someone you like.. be you, be the guy you are, don't turn into mr crazy who suddenly can't do anything without thinking about or telling the person he likes... chill, relax and enjoy, don't seek approval (by which I mean constantly thinking of ways to look cool to her until she gets sick of it) and don't try rush things forward..
Also this friend zone you keep falling into is because you mnost likely go waaaaay too much out of your way to be nice, instead of just being yourself and letting them find out your nice. Look at how you are with them, if your scared to be in the bad books with them then chances are you are overthinking it too much. By no means try to get in the bad books, that's just daft.. but don't tip toe around people, walking on egg-shells being overly eager to please is in no way attractive to anyone, would you genuinely like a girl who is too afraid to speak her mind incase it upsets you?.. most girls are the same and don;t want guys like that either
It may not be your experience, DaveyB, but it's not nonsense. In actual fact, women who are ready, and eager themselves, *love* eagerness as expresses as the urge to maintain copious contact. That's, women who are *ready* and, possibly, *into the man as much as he her*. When she's *not* quite as keen, however, that's when the man is supposed to do his "thang" and wear down her defenses and warm her up.
We don't "have" time for people, we MAKE time.
Don't disagree with the courage bit, though, because obviously it can't be called courage if whatever's being faced up to fails to inspire fear.
"I think maybe guys like us should try it too"
And stop spamming/trolling with that Magic Bride link! I have seen it in other posts
LOL, I said that without moving my lips, look!
Ooh...Are Susie and I one and the same member? "DAHN-DAHN-DAAAAH!!"