To Leave or Not to Leave?
Hi there, I'm 33 and have two sons, 1 and 3 years old. They have different fathers. Father #1 is still serving time related to domestic violence charges that he plead guilty to in 2012. He's in and out of jail, violating probation and whatnot, but still sees his son... only because I follow the law. I started dating father #2 when my first son was 1. Father #2 found out he had cancer a month or so into dating me, and a few months after that we found out I was pregnant. We are still seeing each other (living together) but are having MAJOR problems. We have been in therapy for 2 months now. He seems as if he is two different people. It is actually very similar to the honeymoon and abuse cycle I experienced before. When he believes that I love him, things are great. When I don't give him enough attention or hurt him, the shit hits the fan. There are way too many examples to mention, but I'll tell you the latest one.
We were on our way to a wake this weekend and he came out of the bedroom with a tuxedo t-shirt. Personally I thought it was in bad taste. I asked him to change. After getting out of the car and starting to walk back home Mt oldest son starts calling for him. I drove by him and asked why he was so upset and he insisted that I apologize for "controlling" him. I apologized even though I really just think I was expressing my opinion. We got 3 or 4 exits down the road and he says that he doesn't want to have to take a taxi back from the wake if I can't be nice to him. I asked him to stop arguing with me infront of the kids. I asked him why he had to be so "over the top." He started cussing at me and raising his voice. I pulled up to a gas station and stopped the car. I told him to go get his cab. I went to the wake with the kids. He walked 3 hours down the highway to get back home. I offered to pick him up on my way home if he was calm enough to ride with the kids. He called me numerous names, told me that he hated me, told me I was evil, he told me that he would be $100 sorry on rent because of all the crap I pulled and if I didn't want to get evicted then I would find a way to get the money (I am unemployed and paying to care for both boys necessities). I have been at my mom's for 2 days and haven't heard from him. His mom says he is to angry to talk because he had to walk. Of course I don't think it's my fault, of course I could have done somethings differently. But why such a dramatic reaction infront of the kids because I asked him to change his shirt? It all seems so ridiculous to me.
I am seriously considering ending this relationship, but there's all ways an excuse. His hormones are off because of the cancer, he has abandonment issues, he has trust issues, he doesn't feel loved, he needs his meds....on and on. How long do I let this drama go on before I quit. This isn't healthy for me or the kids. The kids will be affected by the outburst he has and I feel like a cruddy mother for not stopping it sooner. How can I approach this so I make my boundaries clear and reasonable?
I feel sometimes like I am living the same mistake with father #1 over again with father #2, but not quite as extreme. Someone please help me, my folks are sick of hearing about it. Lol
Next time, just let him wear the tuxedo shirt.
I told him he could after he said he was upset. I wish I hadn't said anything. Most of the time I'm afraid to talk at all.
You "told him he could"? He's an adult, and you really don't have a right to tell him what he can and cannot wear. You might want to stop and think about what kinds of things you say to him. Are the things you say kind and thoughtful?
Point taken. You're right. I have the right to my opinion that a tuxedo t-shirt shirt is inappropriate for a funeral! It really isn't about the t-shirt. I care about how he flies off the handle because of a t-shirt. We are breaking up over this btw. He has informed me that I am a heartless b*tch.
If it is just a t-shirt, why did you bother to give him your opinion about it? I think you should just let him be who he is. Let him wear what he wants to wear. He is an adult and can decide how to dress. You don't get to give your opinion about how another adult decides to dress.
Wow I can't believe no one has said to you what the hell is his problem?! Adults in a committed relationship should be able to express their opinions and should also know when to say "I'm angry, we'll discuss this later when we're alone, I'll see you at the wake/at home". How old is he, 21?? Being petty about money is also not okay, if the issue was bothering him, he should have brought it up before in a loving way. Not a good role model for your kids evidently. You have them to think of, he is not another kid, yeah it sucks that he has cancer but you are not a punching bag for him to take it out on. If he seeks help, then maybe go back to him but until then put your kids first Mum. Is your mum supportive of you?