Should I break it off with her?
Hey. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 months. She's my first girlfriend. To be honest she has nearly every quality I would ever look for in a woman, aside from a few major things. I'm a Christian, she's an anti-theist, and she's not very physically attractive, both face and body. She's an amazing person and she's giving her all in this relationship, and we connect very well, we never fight and we have the greatest times together, but since she's my first girlfriend and my religion is a big part of my life, I feel that I should just keep searching. To be completely honest, I am terrified of being alone for whatever reason, it's very irrational, I'm aware. It's unfair to her, so at one point I broke up with her because of it, but she insisted we try to make it work and we got back the next day. She said "I would have rather you waited years to break up with me, I know it'd hurt more but this is the best I've ever felt in my life." This leads me to want to stay with her until I find someone else, despite me feeling that's unfair to her. I don't treat her any differently, and I still love her, but I just don't know how to handle this. I think being proud of one's partner is important in a relationship, and I just don't feel very proud of her. Is this just me being selfish, or is it selfish to only stay for her benefit?
YOu should never stay in a relationship just because you don't want to be alone.That is crazy...also the fact that you don't find your partner attractive?That's just as crazy.You need to be with someone whom you truly care about mentally/physically..it can't be one and not the other.It has to be all.Also its' cruel to be with someone whom you're not proud of...meaning you're embarrassed by her.That's really cruel to be with someone whom you don't want to be with.You're settling and she's settling also.Both of you need to b with people whom are compatible with you...life is way too short.
I feel very similar with my boyfriend of 6 months, I totally get what you mean. I broke up with him once and brought it up many times but he says he loves me very much and i am his first real girlfriend, he changed for the better since dating me since he used to be a duche and never got attached to girls too much. I believe him but i told him exactly how i feel and he still wants to stay with me. I feel awful because i dont want to break his heart but also because i dont love him as much as he loves me but am still with him. He is not always a good boyfriend he has some issues. I feel so trapped and i see other girls who like him and wish he would just see that he is missing out on something better.He said he would be better off if we dated until im done school and then im moving which is another year. I dont understand why he wants me when i told him everything i feel and i think the best thing is to break up but i dont know what to say and how to do it. i have thought about just acting cold until he cheats or leaves but that sounds so wrong. What is the right thing to do? i think we both know this.. we have to break it off, they will be broken hearted they will beg us to take them back but we need to cut off contact beacuse we know its the right thing and we know they deserve someone who loves them just as much as they. They will not kill themselves.They will be hurt but eventually they will learn and move on, and be stronger then ever before. I think having another person who is going thru the same thing will benefit both of us. Would you maybe want to keep in touch? let me know if you are doing it so i can gain strength to do it myself? I dont know how this website works tho. well hope u feel a lil better knowing your not alone
I think you're just doing the typical but alien-to-you 3-month-in "wobble" and looking for excuses that might go halfway towards explaining it so's you don't have to consider that you might be a lil bit insane.
Nope, not a lil bit insane. Just a lot of a bit human (i.e. wholly insane, LOL).
And news for you: you did *not* break up with her. What defines a break-up is the fact you never get back together. So you didn't break up with her, FACT. Subsequent events prove you just wobbled and ran off for a bit (to chill, think and regain your confidence and courage) until she persuaded you (all too easily) back.
Same play, different actors.
Scary stuff, falling in love and that ongoing, increasing state feeling as potentially heavenly as equally potentially lethal, huh. It's not for wimps, that's for sure. But what will help is this: never mind - EVER! - what your typically silly head thinks. Actions speak louder (and can't lie when sustained). So just ignore your own blah-blahs and keep watching what your FEET want and do.
Staying with her solely for her benefit, my bottom. You're not *SAINT* JAYJAYBANKSBRUHH.
Those blah-blahs are trying to convince you through us back to you, that you've only just NOW realised she and you don't happen to use the same catch-all label to describe your moral settings and existential beliefs. Yuh, right. Trust me, those differences would have somehow waved hello (and brought you to goodbye) WAY before now. Same goes for her being lifelong attractive rather than merely half-life, on-paper well-proportioned and symmetrical (- attractiveness wins because unlike so-called good looks it never fades, sags or wrinkles).
Yer avin a larf. They're just excuses and stand-ins for the real reason, which is this: "Eeeek, mummayyyy!!!!".
You mean SOCIALLY proud, anyway. Sod your immediate society because that society won't sleep in your bed with you every night, always hold your interests equal or superior to their own, sh*g you silly, spend Xmas and holidays with you, nurse you when you're ill, support you when you're down/confused, double or thereabouts your financial clout, and generally add to your force whereby you feel you can face anything life throws at you because you are now an entity comprised of TWO.. etc., etc., etc.
But I'd advise you to from now on TELL HER if ever you're having a "typical male-newly-in-love wobble" and just need to calm yourself down for one or two days (or better yet, let her help talk you down considering she sounds like the more chilled and sensible one). Because if you make a habit of making her believe - even if only for a few days at a time - that you've chucked her, due to the immensity of its impact on her psyche she'll pretty soon adapt to the in-betweenie times as feature her clearly and comprehensively imagining what life without you once more will be like. Once that concept inevitably ceases to scare her (desensitization), she'll then progress to realising she needs to find a man who DOESN'T keep pulling the very floor out from under her feet thus head-f***ing her worse than any monthly PMT/PMS. (And trust me on this - there are plenty of guys who WOULD be proud to have a girl with a wholly attractive heart.) By then, what with you all along having merely just been wobbling, you'll be back on here going, 'Whaaaaaaaaah, the best thing that ever happened to me is GONE and is never coming back, I can't take the pain, aaaaargh!'.
Ultimately, it depends, though, doesn't it... on whether you want to lead your life according to what makes other people happy first, yourself second. Nah. Own oxygen mask FIRST. After all, they're not going to live their life with *your* opinions at the top of their agendas, are they. If YOU love her and enjoy her company and find her a turn-on both mentally and physically, that's all that matters. ALL THAT MATTERS. 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.' (- Bernard M Baruch).
"To be honest she has nearly every quality I would ever look for in a woman"
Rare. Very rare. Especially for a first ever girlfriend. So 'Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth' (- John Heywood). He also said, 'A good beginning makes a good ending'.
GOOD that you're wobbling (think about it). If you weren't, I'd be telling you to say, 'Neeeext!'
In other words, you don't wobble when the girl doesn't, overall in whatever ways, light your candle.
Why is wobbling a good thing? When I met my husband I knew we'd get married, within a month. I refused to even date him for three months, you know, just to make sure this guy I'd met was genuinely for real.
Why did you start dating her in the first place? Has anything changed. How serious are you about Christianity because dude, if you're afraid of being alone you need to go chat with God.
Wobbling shows you care. Same as stage performers getting attacks of stage fright, whose fear is stuffing up in front of thousands and losing their celebrity reputation and status. If on the other hand you don't care about losing/not winning something, the thought doesn't send you into any degree of panic.
That's not to say there aren't plenty of people who, whenever these doubts and fears threaten, cope so well you couldn't tell from looking at them that they're suffering. But the point is wanting something or wanting to keep it so much that fear of loss occurs to you, the solution then being to ensure you don't let those fears overwhelm you whereby they can affect your behaviour and choices. Fear is contagious, and behaviour and actions communicate just as much as speech, so if you behave or act from a place of fear you can set your partner off. And then you're *both* thinking and behaving like idiots.
But I think you'll find refusing to date him for three months to test whether he'd stick around thus was genuine *is* a wobble, and one you let loose outside of you. Just not your more typical chimp-screeching-in-tree one.
"aside from a few major things."
Yup, religion and just not finding her attractive are MAJOR - to you. Have you been really honest with her about these things?
Three months is not so long - So let this wonderful gal go so she can find a fellow who is more into her, spiritually and physically.
- and you should find your next pretty little gal at church or learn to like being alone.