Mind or is it matter
So I came out gay when I was 19; or though I knew I was gay from a young age 12-13, I thought it may have been a glitch in the puberty process. Since then I've fought it so much, as much as I try to change who am i, the more I become an enemy to myself. Eventually I took the first step to start talking to guys on dating apps, with such high levels of anxiety , which was obviously to the fact I'm not comfortable with myself. I'm a lot more open about it now days but still hold onto something I need to let go of but don't know what. Where I live I have the opportunity to meet many other people like myself, however I have straight friends both girls who are going to places to pick up guys for themselves or guy mates who won't go to a gay club, I have very little gay friends who are also not in the gay scene due to the judgement and competition. Last year I came out of a very short relationship, we met mid November 2013 through Grindr. By December 11, 2013 we were in a relationship, spent my New Years with him head over heals, he was living with his "ex girlfriend" of 3 years who are now "best friends" we met a year after they broke up may I add, he had erectile dysfunction as he was obviously gay for a long time and tried to hide it which would have caused a degree of physiological problems. We had sex once in that whole time however the first time we met I slept at his house and we did other things, I still think orthough we did the right thing and waited for the sex I still think we rushed it but I don't know how as we didn't really have much in common. Since we broke up on January 14, 2014, we broke up because he was lost and confused all a sudden this all happened at a click of a finger. Leaving me with no closure to the relationship it's caused me trust issues, self esteem and confidence barriers now, bringing back the anxiety. When we got together I let all my shields down he met my family which was the first guy i bought home which meant a lot to me, to feel comfortable to actually want to do that.
Any suggestions to help me find closure?
Just recently I met a guy off Grindr we met pretty much within a few days of first chatting.
I went to his house which I don't usually do at first for safety reasons but I felt comfortable to do it. I got there had a really good conversation about what we do in our every day life, we moved to the lounge and ended up hugging, kissing and we were talking about our expectations of a relationship and so on. He told me all his ex have cheated on him and that he wants to go for something different as he attracts those guys he said he goes for older his age is 32 and I'm 24. To me age is just a number but in saying that not old old either .but too me 32 is still young and reasonable age range. He was absolutely gob smacked that I was interested in him and kept saying how he couldn't believe it, at the same time I felt very much the same about him, and expressed that also. He said he didn't want me to stay because all his past relationships he rushed and they get no where he said if he wanted a root he would, he said I was more valuable then that, so at that time I thought he was being very respectful towards me, and I appreciated that. We planned to see each other the next day at 3pm go out for a walk, then have dinner out and go back to his and watch a movie. We did all that but the movie. He said he was tired at 7. So I left his house so he could go to sleep. Prior to meeting that day we were texting and he told me he deleted the dating app out of respect for me and also said why would he want attention from others when he had me , so I figured as to a conversation of our relationship values we both felt the same that you need to communicate be honest and respect eachother etc, so I felt it would be right to do the same and delete the dating app. which I have checked since and he actually did delete it, But he seemed distant with me since that night from s romantic perspective stop flirting but still messaging me, we planned to go camping for 1 night next Monday an hour from where we live as he's in the same suburb as me and he firstly asked what day would suit me he agreed to Monday, after the night of dinner all a sudden he had work and couldn't do it. am I overthinking or is things changing or am I still having trust and self confidence issues which I can't understand people tell me all the time hoe good looking I am and why I've only ever been in 1 relationship?!?!
It's a struggle for me to let my shield down but when I do I expect so much from the other to be consistent and I don't know why.
I get let down and get emotional but can't cry and feel it takes me longer to get over
I'm sorry you are feeling stressed. I think what you are going through is pretty typical for someone your age. Unfortunately, people have to endure a lot in order to search for a suitable mate ... there is a lot of trial and error. It sounds like the two men you were interested in still are not very sure of who they are or what they want out of life, so their actions are not, in my opinion, something to take personally. You sound like a nice person with a good heart and a lot of love to give. Go places where you can meet a variety of people, keep dating (and make sure not to move too fast) and eventually things will work out for you. It takes time.
I agree. You sound like any other 24 year old, stumbliing thru the dating scene. It's a time to learn lessons and learn to make discerning decisions about the intimate relations you enter. Choose wisely!
There is a big gap from age 32 to 24. He is in mid career mode and there's pressure at work. On the other hand, you need to express your expectation that he will keep dates and commitments to you, if you make plans.
Make an effort to meet more people, but move SLOWLY about getting intimate with new acquaintances. Friends first!