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Unreasonable Mother

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Relationship advice I have no idea how to handle my mother.

She rarely trusts my judgement on anything. If I disagree with her on something she will say that I am completely unbearable, argumentative and that I am getting ideas above my station. She also accuses me of bullying her and will cry all because I had a different opinion.

The night before I got married she had me in tears from being really mean to me and she never even apologised. She has this idea that if she says something nasty then it's okay because she loves me so that makes it right. She also always says how you have to do what your mother tells you (I'm a grown married woman with her own home) because she is older and wiser.

Currently my elder sister is ignoring me because I don't txt her back quick enough. She and my mother have a funny relationship where they fall out very often and then turn to me to bitch about one and other. No sooner have they fallen out that they are friends again but have decided they have fallen out with me. So at the moment my sister won't speak to me but my mother tells me I'm the one who shouldn't fall out with my sister despite my protesting that I can't fall out with her as she won't even speak to me!

My mother is supposed to be paying for our curtains but she has told me that if she doesn't like them or she feels they aren't the right size then she won't be giving us the money for them. I explained to her how we had measured them correctly and that they would be find but she has insisted on not giving us the money until she's inspected them despite us living on the opposite of the country as her. I don't want her to pay for them anyway as anything she pays for she tries to tell me how to look after it or how to have it and if I say I am looking after it or I don't want to move it she insists that the item is hers as she paid for it.

Tonight she also told me that I am getting very snooty and have ideas above my station and that I need to be taken down. She blames it on my job in a law firm. The thing that worries me though is she will keep trying to bring me down until she feels I have reached the right "level" but I've no idea what that is! Am I meant to prove to her that I'm not snooty and if so how do I do that?! I don't think I'm better than anyone or special but even if I did why wouldn't you want your child to have confidence? I have no idea what to do about this as she won't give up telling me how I've too big ideas until she feels I don't have them anymore.

Unreasonable Mother

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I doubt if ANYONE would know how to "handle" your mother, ---- so don't.

Detach, with love. Stay out of the squirrel cage. Refuse to get involved with her and sister.

You say you work in a law firm. Surely you have pushy, unreasonable, demanding clients. How are they handled there?

How old is mom?

Is Dad around?

Unreasonable Mother

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It's true, handling our moms seem almost impossible.
Best not to let her pay the curtains for U neither degrade U.

Once I tried telling my mom how felt, I told her she was putting me down and at one point we moved on...I was able break free from her.

I forgot how I did it but I think it's becuz I told her. She got really angry at first but then she cooled down and eventually let me do what I felt like.But that wasn't all, she ignored me more often(which deeply hurt me) and stopped helping me when I needed her most.

I told her I loved her and I needed to be free. She kept silent... pretending to ignore me. But she heard me and that's how it all began.

I think U should let Ur mom know how U feel(I know it ain't easy)... If she wont speak to U, text her, call her, drive her crazy I'm sure she'll respond.Probably let her know that Ur not her and that U can live Ur own life.

Unreasonable Mother

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mothers always have a issue with what there children do this is because they want he best but they feel they know how to sort these things out, some mothers wont let go without dragging there relationship with there children down to the depths. what she needs to understand that she is offering money to pay FOR YOUR CUTAINS meaning its you decision . you need to go and turn up at your sisters to sort these things out this will be a big ask but you need to get your siblings on your side. i agree with eve'e previous message that you need to tell your mother how you feel it may be and argument but you need to talk about these thing and take the high ground on the issue. contact me for anymore advice or just to tell me how it went

Unreasonable Mother

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"contact me"

Just FYI, CSLHITMAN: if you've opted within your profile to receive email alerts whenever someone goes and posts onto a thread you yourself have already posted on, you'll receive notification via your email inbox.

Unreasonable Mother

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Thank you for the advice everyone.

I have tried to tell her how I feel in the past but I end up sounding like a hippy left over from the 60's when I explain how having a difference of opinion doesn't mean we have to fight etc. It always ends with my mother saying how all she wants is for everyone to be happy and for people to not be mean to her so I don't bother telling her anymore.

If I get my siblings on board to say that our mother is being unreasonable she'll cry and say everyone is picking on her and then her partner will say we're the ones out of order.

My sister goes through phases when she stops talking to me because she's angry but won't tell me why. It usually passes in a couple of months although once it went on for almost four years. When her and my mother argue she'll contact me to moan about her.

Susie - I've never had anything to do with my biological father but my mother has a long term partner who I call Dad. He agrees with my mother on everything so she won't argue with him so he's no use to me.

Unreasonable Mother

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Bloody nora, your mother's got emotional blackmail (*and* hypocrisy and cat-kicking) down to an art form, hasn't she!

You should have told her, 'But, mother... don't you remember? If people are mean to you, it's perfectly alright because it just means they LOVE you'.

I agree with Susie - DON'T handle her. Or if forced to, adopt this as your reactive mantra: "Emotional Blackmail Alert!!!" (and vary it with Emotional Manipulation Alert). And if she insists on pushing her unfair point, 'yell' it again. And KEEP yelling it whilst briefly and succinctly peppering it with making clear that if she keeps putting twisted 10 pences into your machine then you're going to keep dispensing mouldy chocolate bars, that simple. If, in response to that, she rears up even worse than before, JUST GET UP AND LEAVE, saying, 'Ring me when you've decided to talk sensibly, adult-to-adult'. That way you'll teach her that if she has anything to discuss, she'd better from now on keep it manipulations-free or she's going to get precisely NOWHERE, least of all force on you her spoiled baby will yet again.

Because it's quite simple: if you have something weighing X kilos pushing against you and you push back with a force of only G kilos, it's going to flatten you... as will it if you don't exert ANY counter-resistance. So if it's X kilos, either [a] extricate yourself totally from its path or whole vicinity OR [b] stand your ground and push back Y or Z kilos. Berbom. It's wishy-washiness that keeps you caught in that vicious circle. And wishy-washiness includes you revealing to her that you feel incapable of taking her on, which is precisely what you do every time you 'summon the troops'.

Your trouble is, by the sounds of it, being too wordy/lengthy. You don't NEED to explain anything to her. She already knows and just doesn't CARE because no-one's ever taught her she SHOULD care. That simple.

...As does her attempted mini-me (sister) know. So I suggest that you continue to take sister's or mother's calls but the MINUTE either of them starts up with the moaning, you, oops-sh*t, have left something under the grill / should already be somewhere / badly need a wee. Again, you react like that every single time and she'll get the message, no worries. Emphasis on EVERY SINGLE TIME because consistency is key.

Talking, trying to reason, is getting you nowhere, let's face it. In fact, talking is obviously your weak area thus downfall. It's puppy-training time - choccie drop versus smack on the nose - as well as remembering that people can't manipulate and bully you unless you LET them. Do expect it to get worse for a wee while right before it gets better, though. That's par for the re-training course, I'm afraid.

If at first you don't feel confident enough to yell Whatever Alert, I suggest you just firmly but quietly say, 'I'm not playing THIS game again - call me when you're prepared to play fair', wherepon you do the immediate leaving. But the alert statement is far less taxing for you.

Best of luck.

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