Do people get divorced after 30 years of marriage?
Just wondering if there was anyone here that got a divorce after being married for a long time. I know someone and he doesn't seem happy but he stays cause he says he's comfortable. I just don't understand that. What made you decide to leave? And did you think you wouldn't but just decide one day that it was over?
Dog's dead, kids gone, house paid off - you turn around and look at the person you married 30 years ago and decide that you don't want to grow old with her/him. That's how some of them make the decision.
I know a woman who got breast cancer and divorced her husband because she didn't want to spend her last years with him.
Yes, staying because one is "comfortable" happens. It takes courage and energy to divorce after all those years and money/assets often keep couple together. Sometimes these people live separate lives, even having lovers on the side. Both know about it, and let it be.
Is that what you are experiencing?
The man is an old friend. We knew each other back 30 years or so. But didn't have any contact until about 4 years ago. We didn't date. Just good friends. We don't live close. We aren't having sex. I guess some would say that he is "cheating" with me. It's emotionally more than physical. I only see him a couple times a year maybe and only briefly. He has talked about leaving. He brought it up first. He would talk to me about how he and his wife sort of just lived in the same house. They both have demanding and time consuming careers. I on the other hand have been divorced for a very long time. I just don't understand how a couple lives together and don't care about having a good and satisfying life close together. I'm sure I don't know everything about them. I only hear his side. But he really has nothing to gain by lying to me. He doesn't get sex from me. But I do love him. I feel like I've known him all my life. I would never break up his marriage. I want him to be happy. Even if it's not with me. And I guess he is. There have been small moments when he mentions wishing she would be more responsive to him. Well he actually says he tries and she just turns away. I know that they have had problems. He's cheated on her and she found out. But if she isn't going to put it in the past, I feel like she should let go. But she didn't so quit turning him away. I'm not hopeful that he will leave. I mean..I wish he would but I don't want to be the cause. So I don't want to have an affair. That is nothing but hurt for everyone. Especially me. I guess I would just like to have a chance to see where we would go. We seem to be so compatible. Anyway, I'm sure people would call me names if they read this in a way of me wanting to make problems for him. I would never do that. I loved him as a friend first. But I feel guilty that I wish we were more. Let me say that I am older....late 50's. And was married twice. Both men had affairs and I couldn't deal and wanted out of the marriage. I know the effect of divorce on a family. Even though his kids are grown, I know it still would hurt them for either of their parents to have an affair. Anyway, I was just letting it out on here. I don't talk to anyone about it cause he has family that live around me. He tells me that it is primarily his kids. He says they think he hung the moon and he doesn't want them to know that him and their mother aren't in love with each other anymore. It just makes me sad.
I am married 30 years, have two grown boys. One lives home, my husband is an introvert and I extrevert. I want to have fun in life, laugh and expressing how I feel. I am unhappy. I am bubbly, giving outgoing. We don't have friends to go out with and I only have 2 girlfriends. He doesn't express his thoughts and feelings to me. I feel like he is verbally abusing me. We are going to councoling. I hope we get our marriage back. We don't have sex, good communication and love. I feel like we are girlfriend and boyfriend. What's the next step?
Pinky I hate that you are in this kind of a marriage. I think you are doing the right thing by going to a counselor. Is he going with you willingly. Does he want to make things better? I know you said you want to get your marriage back. But I wonder, after so much time, is there enough love to save it? I hope there is. I see couples that don't even look at each other and it makes me so sad. It's like I've told this friend of mine, these are suppose to be our good years. If it's not good, we don't have much chance of it ever being good. And that's why I was asking the question. I won't ever know cause I was never married this long. When my first husband had his affair, we were so far apart already that even though we tried to make things work, there was too much hurt. After we were divorced, he came to me and then wanted to work on it (cause even though I tried in the end, he never stopped seeing the woman) but I had been too hurt to try again. That's been a long time ago and I got married again. That one didn't last very long so I decided to just raise my children alone and now they are grown. And I am still alone. So I am not one to tell people to rush into divorce. But I also don't think people should stay married just because they have been together a long time. If a couple doesn't want to do the work it takes to make things good, or there has been too much hurt on either or both sides, then just get a divorce and enjoy the rest of your life. I think you are better to your children and everyone around you if you are happy. And I think that even if you think you have everyone fooled into thinking how great the marriage is, they aren't really fooled at all. My parents didn't have a perfect marriage, but they acted like people in love and they were. They were still affectionate towards one another and they didn't mind showing it.
They weren't hateful to each other. They fussed sometimes...but just normal stuff. I hope you find the answers that work for you. I hope my friend finds his answers too. I try to give him advice on how to maybe soften her up to him. But he's tried a few times and she turns him away like she isn't interested. He told me that she doesn't even like to kiss him. It hurts him. On his birthday I had sent him a happy birthday text and asked if he had anything special planned for the day. He said no and that his wife had not even told him happy birthday that morning before they left for work. I could tell from the tone of the email that it hurt his feelings. Once she was out of town for a few days with work and I told him to text her and tell her that he was looking forward to her being home. And that he wanted to spend some time together when she got back. So that night he wrote me and told me that he wasn't going to try anymore cause when he went out to help her get her things, she patted him on the stomach and said he looked like he had gained weight while she was gone. And she said it in front of some coworkers. Then she just went inside and said she was going to shower and read for a while. It made him mad and it hurt him. He said he was sleeping in another room cause he didn't want to be around her. I realize she may have been a little tired, but if he was telling her he missed her, she should have at least told him to come lay down with her. Give him a little bit of attention. And it's just things like that. I'm not putting all the blame on her, but she should at least meet him half way if she wants to keep her marriage. So that is my point, if people aren't going to do their part to have a happy marriage, get out and find the happiness and let your spouse find theirs. Who wants to lay on their deathbeds and remember their lives being miserable.