I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. 33 years ago we dated on and of for 4 years. I have never cheated on him but he constantly accuses me of it he says someone told him, we have no mutual friends, he is emotionally abusive. When we were first together he was a dream come true. He loved me and gave me everything i ever wanted. I mean not just material things. He thinks i cheat with my ex. I do not. We barely speak , we have a child together but i do not contact him so my boyfriend will not get mad. I was suspicious so I looked in my mates email. I was right. Hrs registered on 3 dating sites, recently accessed. They ares discreet affair sites. Also I found mass of emails from and to his ex wife. His ex wife verbally attacked me and continues to post this about me on Facebook. He's still buying her things for her car and house, I found receipts. And I found emails from his ex girlfriend. Lots. Detailing sexting and times he was planning a trip to see her. He says he hasn't talked to her in over ay year and she is a stalker. She sends cards to our house regularly. The last emailed he saved is dated within 6 months. I don't know what to do. I thought he was my soull mate. He says I'm the only one that he loves me like no other. He gives me the world. I am lost. His accusations and his loss are killing me.
When we were first together he was a dream come true, loved me and gave me everything I ever wanted.........until that started to fall off/completely stopped....whereupon I, in response, began emotionally, bit-by-bit withdrawing...wherepon it reached a critical quantum as THEN had him noticing....culminating in him now desperately trying to call my bluff in order to get an-answer-ANY-answer in order to understand why on earth I'm not as into him as I used to be rather as a preference to his having to remain in the dark or assume he's just crazy or paranoid..... and in the interim - just in case that playing field *did* need levelling - started getting the playing-away ball rolling.
Note you found all this evidence without too much headache? *Actions*.
Another action: found emails FROM his ex.
I don't get the sense that he IS cheating rather than trying to make it look like he is *too* - a face-saving, "look-at-me-look-at-me-why-don't-you-look-at-meee-any-moooore!!!" affair.
He's either emotionally clueless about how to approach and fix his relationship-based anxieties or is just plain too lazy and cares too much about his pride to put himself in any vulnerable position of that nature. Being STUPID seems easier. It's not, though, is it. The opposite.
He probably IS your soulmate. But you have lots of soulmates out there. And not all of them are sufficiently ripe and ready to do an, EEK!, scarily deep relationship on your timeline, or some might be behind you on the ex-relationship recovery path. That itself can un-level the playing field because you'll ALWAYS be coming across much more chilled than him, and as he in his position can't relate to chilled, he'll conclude chilled = not that into me/not as into me as I am to her.
Hardly surprising he's still walking wounded because those remaining ties with his ex-wife will have been holding back his healing. Whilst he's playing platonic husband with the practicals, she has less incentive than she otherwise might to find a new bloke (as you can see). Maybe he worries that if she does, the kids will start calling him dad and not want to see your bf any more (typical male fears), meaning, if she gets the wrong impression in the meantime, he can't afford to let that bit worry him... especially if it keeps stepdads at bay.
You and he need to go see a couples counsellor toute suite to unearth all these fears of his - and, now, yours (infectious ain't it, fear) - as are not just manifestly affecting the relationship but wreaking actual damage by destroying all the trust you've built up.
Trust me - this behaviour of his smacks too characteristically of a mixture between fear, emotional immaturity and pride. That's not the way to deal with it, though, is it.
Rainonme, I'm so sorry to hear about this heart-wrenching situation. He sounds like an emotional abuser, and if you possibly can, you should seek some counseling (just yourself) ASAP. He is insanely jealous and it looks like he's cheating on you (or seriously thinking about it, at least). That's not how a loving partner acts. You deserve someone who will trust and respect you. No matter how much he SAYS he loves you, his actions show his true self.
Soul mate.... the emails go both ways. He has emailed both women . .I started withdrawing when he became abusive. He would drink and get angry and accuses me of things that were so unbelievable, incredibly absurd. I would profess my innocence but he wouldn't have it. He calls me names and threatens me. Then apologizes and says I'm the one to blame. I feel unhappy and sad and can't be happy and loving like i was.
Okay, I didn't realise they went both ways. In that case, he's already cheating, yes. Cheating Minoris. But I note you didn't say a thing about him coming home later than usual, going off on business trips or suddenly wanting a regular lads' night out. In fact, nothing that suggests he's actually met up with anyone. I also didn't know your withdrawal was solely in reaction to actual verbal abuse including threats.
Do these threats get issued apropos of nothing on your part during situation normal or is this how he behaves only when the discussion degenerates into a heated argument?
His abuse usually happens in the heart of arguments. He did however make nasty comments when we Ares just in normal every day talking. Also i find a text to his ex wife asking if they could meet up in secrecy to sneak away. She turned him down. The last argument we had he accuses me of calling my ex 18 times in a month. I had not. I showed him my phone records.(actual bills) He said he knew better. Then he told me we were threw and he packed a bag bought a airplane ticket. (to where his ex girlfriend lives) and left. He came back in an hour. He says i don't take his apologies. I just can't go from crushed abd abused to happy and in love.
"Also i find a text to his ex wife asking if they could meet up in secrecy to sneak away. She turned him down."
Ah. To both. But when WAS this?
"He did however make nasty comments when we Ares just in normal every day talking."
Oh. However, what was the whole conversation? And again - when?
"The last argument we had he accuses me of calling my ex 18 times in a month. I had not. I showed him my phone records.(actual bills) He said he knew better."
He knew better? What is he - Alice In Wonderland's the Queen of bloody Hearts?
"Then he told me we were threw and he packed a bag bought a airplane ticket. (to where his ex girlfriend lives) and left. He came back in an hour."
He actually bought a ticket despite even then knew he wasn't going to be using it? My god, is he desperate! Or did he just SAY he had?
"He says i don't take his apologies. I just can't go from crushed abd abused to happy and in love."
Course not. And anyway, sorry is as sorry does, which in THIS case is, NEVER DOES IT AGAIN or at least tries very hard not to (i.e. slow but noticable progress)!
However, methinks he's an emotional mess (baggage, probably) who's so overly hell-bent on not finding himself in the vulnerable position he's constantly too ready to be on the just-in-case attack, including creating the impression that he's cheating so that you'll be completely unreceptive to any advances, what with your face always looking like a wet weekend and/or your mind constantly churning over what his problem is - as in, the lights are on but nobody's home (catching your eye impossible), etc.
His problem is simple. He's EXTREMELY insecure. Hence he's trying to make you either equally or even more insecure than him in order to level the playing field (as well as make himself feel more normal by comparison). And this he's doing by trying to (think about it) FORCE you to convince him you love him, FORCE you to prove you're not cheating and would never cheat and that you aren't already nor ever have, and FORCE you to...smack his face in, actually. :-p
I suspect he was cheated on and hasn't got over it. He KNOWS - and more than most - how much even the suspicion hurts and startles hence that's CONSTANTLY his weapon of choice (think about it).
Let's cut to the chase. What's the Overall Light-To-Dark ratio or percentage (e.g. 30/70, 40/60, 50/50, 60/40, 70/30)? You say he gives you the world (interestingly and notably, without defining what that is) but it seems like you've got way more than just his verbal outbursts and surface insecurity type behaviour to deal with, right? You've got real stuff like flouncing from the house (which causes you to never know which bloke is really real - Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde); the ex-wife causing aggro, etc. So what would you put it as? You can do it twice - once for the on-paper, technical score and then again as an emotional reflection if, say, despite the harmonious and fun times far outnumber the bad times, those bad times are so incredibly extreme in terms of output or impact that they overshadow all the good times.
Trouble is, if you're still in the aftermath of a recent fight and/or disheartening revelation/discovery (are you?), you're obviously going to feel overly resentful and pessimistic, meaning you'll have to do it again in a week to see if there's any difference.
Depending on what your scores are, you can then decide whether you just need to call it quits, or insist on couples counselling (and an anger management course for him on top) as an ultimatum, or find a way to dissolve his power to upset you by thinking, 'Twat' and just ignoring him and giving him a wide-ish berth until he's finished.
I'll be honest, though - I don't think I would stay if it really is as bad as you say. I mean, 'mantrum-ing' to the point of name-calling is one thing (when not very frequent), but him actually going as far as making cheating movements - even IF just for attempted emotional-blackmailing effect - would have me deciding life's too short and he needs to grow up and grow a pair.