In bed with my boyfriend, I fantasise about my ex
I'm in my late 20s, dating a wonderful man for the past year. He is loving, kind, and handsome, and we share the same morals and background. We've been good friends for many years. Perfect, right? The problem is, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to connect romantically with him. I care about him deeply, but he's never made my heart flip the way past boyfriends or lovers have, either emotionally or sexually.
Emotionally, I find it hard to connect without a lot of deep talking about feelings, life philosophy, etc. He tries his best but just isn't a talker, and never will be. He shows his love through kind gestures and affectionate touch -- i treasure both, but without talking i just can't feel truly close to him. i feel like there's a whole side of me he can't understand.
Our sex life is decent, and we both actively work on learning what the other one wants -- but no matter what we try, it just doesn't excite me. (He says it's incredible for him). I'm experienced enough to know that it can improve somewhat, but we're just fundamentally not very in sync. More and more often I find myself making excuses for sex because I just don't feel into it with him. This especially stings because I run into my ex several times a week through work, and can't stop thinking about the incredible sexual chemistry and deep emotional connection I had with him (although everything else about that relationship was a disaster). Sex with my ex was mindblowingly incredible, and although I try not to think about it, the memories spring up against my will. I've started having explicit sexual dreams about my ex, while sleeping in bed with my loving boyfriend. I feel guilty because I love my boyfriend and think he's the best man in the world, but the thought of having mediocre sex for the rest of my life is almost more than i can bear. My boyfriend is insecure about his sexual ability and I could never be honest with him about finding it dull -- and anyway I don't see how that would help, since he's already doing all he can to please me in bed. A for effort, C+ for effect.
I just don't know what to do. Dumping my amazing, kind, funny, supportive boyfriend to try to find better sex seems so shallow and horrible. Plus I honestly believe I could never do better than him, all-around. On the other hand, the thought of only having sex with him for the rest of my life makes me want to run for the hills. Help!
" Dumping my amazing, kind, funny, supportive boyfriend to try to find better sex seems so shallow and horrible"
No, it would be the kindest thing to do - for the both of you.
Ex-boyfriend didn't cut it, new boyfriend isn't cutting it... You've done the typical pendulum swing (from one extreme to the other). This means current boyfriend is your rebound relationship and your happier, for-life medium (a huge turn-on in AND out of the bed) is making his way towards you as we speak (when, not if).