PeoplesProblems Logo

Girlfriend advise

Default profile image
Relationship advice Hi, here's my problem, I started seeing this girl early September 2014, we are both in our 30's and have a child each from previous relationships, we text every day but every time it came to arranging a first date, it got cancelled for some reason or another, problems with Her child's dad, no baby sitter, Ill x3, tired from work, woman's trouble, we didn't get a first date until late October, I made no issue with fact she kept cancelling, first date went great so we arranged a second again cancelled due to some of reasons above and finally had our second date late November, No 3rd and 4th date as such but we meet again January 2015 x2 with our kids and I met her parents which was all ok, we live a hour apart and both drive yet she has never come to my house and I've invited her countless times, I like her but just get the feeling she's not really interested in spending time with me alone, should I just call it a day?

Girlfriend advise

Default profile image
At first it sounded like she had you in a casual friend zone but then she has introduced you to her parents and kid, so I don't know. Kind of backwards ...

This is something that takes time. Both of you are very busy and the hour drive is troublesome. But by this time, she should be wanting to spend some adult, alone time with you.

I guess the direct approach is best: ask her out and say it's to get to know each other, alone (in a romantic setting) If she doesn't accept that, then she doesn't want anything more than friendship.

Girlfriend advise

Default profile image
Thanks for the reply, I know it's a weird set up, we did have sex on our first and second date but don't get me wrong it's not just about sex as I won't to get to know her out side of the bedroom to, for instance I invited her out next week with me and friends and she has arranged her parents yo baby sit but I know come the day there will be done kind of excuse, I guess your right I'm thinking she just wants friendship.

Girlfriend advise

Default profile image
If I may input as well, I agree with my counterpart Susiedqqq. Cultivating a relationship into something more takes a bit of time. Being busy can also play a huge factor.
The thing that got me was she introduced you to her parents and kid. Usually folks don’t do that if they aren’t serious. In that setting everything that went on would be very revealing as to her feelings towards you. Like how she introduced you to them, this is so and so my friend, boyfriend, lover, just by name. The title she introduces you as, reveals her view towards you, because she’s going to be honest, but with caution with her parents because they raised her they know her, it’s a vulnerable position which is why it’s revealing and benefit to you.
Did you get the opportunity to eat at their table? Now this depends on if its sprung on the family members suddenly or not. If it’s sudden it’s the same exact concept as someone budding in on an already cramped bus because they simply don’t want to walk a few feet. It would be an intrusion because it’s like you two couldn’t wait til we got to know him better? Doesn’t sound like it in this case because you had the kids involved which takes planning. Anyway it’s extremely revealing for you. If you get to sit down at the table they have literally welcomed you into their circle of comfort. You don’t eat with someone you dislike on top of that you get the opportunity to see how they behave has a family unit. You get the opportunity to compare your life style with theirs. And if you manage to make it to the second date at their family table you’re in good shape.
Most likely a family that is being introduced to someone new by one of their own will be like being introduced to a new product. For example, if she tells them about you more so than your telling them about yourself who they hardly even know. Then their more likely to believe her and you know she’s interested because she knows all that stuff about you. If you’re the one telling it then you’re just another product on the shelf that has been placed in front of them and you have to sell yourself. Remember that they have a much broader picture of her life and relationships than you so they’re comparing you to past lovers because they aren’t hindered by the complications of the relationship itself.
What’s also quite revealing is the way the family uses body language to communicate with each other during the scenario. For example, is the father glaring at you while the mom is trying to keep the peace that’s an obvious one. More subtle would be something like did they look at each other when you said something or explained something about yourself. When two relatives in this setting ALONE give a look towards the other, if its expressionless its an non-verbal inauspiciously meant manner in which to receive support on that relatives same viewpoint/opinion about whatever was said. Example: Mom, Dad, Girl(daughter), and Date. Date says something. Mom and Dad glance quickly at the other or the daughter when thinking the “coast is clear.” If the glance is between the parents you know their making their decisions up about you. If its between like the father most likely or the head of the household to the daughter they have already most likely made up an opinion about you and are now kinda asking her do you really like this guy? Now this scenario would change ENTIRELY if the glance was accompanied by a smile. Smiles means positive things. So they would share that smile with the daughter in approval so to say. Ofcourse no one realizes this cause this all happens in the space of a glance. Most people actually see this glance and not realize they have. They simply freak out because they don’t have all the info.
The next thing would be the children. Your daughter/son is going to naturally reveal a few things. Now it depends on the age. The older the kid is the more information you’re going to get out of their reactions. If the kids play well, more often than not it will mean the way they were raised is very similar because they recognize similarities in the other. If one is more dominate than the other, means there is a different philosophy taught in each household. If they just absolutely hate each other I think that’s fairly self-explanatory. The comfort level of the kid is also revealing it will tell you how well you may fit with the family. If your kid is happy your happy.
At the very end when all is said and done pay attention to how it ends. Do they shake your hand? Do they care to? Do they say, “we hope to see you again.” Or “we can’t wait to have you over again!” Enthusiam, the less they have the more likely it is you’re going to be recycled. The more they have the more likely you actually will be seeing them again. I can’t stress that enough, that’s extremely revealing the very last few words of the night. It’s the difference between “get the hell out,” and “man I miss that guys presence.” If you win the family over you have a much greater chance of winning the girl… assuming she’s a family girl which sounds like she is since she introduced you to em. Because they will ask about you and remind her of you. Its exactly like word-of-mouth marketing. They say first impressions are everything, yea that’s about right and that’s why.
Now you MUST know that this is all observation based on body language, verbal tones, reactionary responses to you, so what I am doing is based on calculations and probabilities of a situation where SO many things could mean different things. I can’t give you all the possible probabilities because that would be extreme detail and would take forever but yea, hope it helps.

Girlfriend advise

Default profile image
I suspect her marriage ended quite traumatically because, first she's spent too long trying, trying, trying to get a proper measure of you via text; then she's tried to keep you slowed down/dates contrived-ly spaced apart (using ol' chestnut excuses (albeit a few might have been true); but then, note, HAS ACCEPTED a further date (and slept with you again), and then HIGHLY prematurely introduced you to the parents and her kids.

That last one, particularly for how starkly out-of-kilter it is with the rest, is highly revealing.

That's not friend-zoning. That's "I'm scared I could get hurt again plus, copious texts or no copious texts, don't trust my own judgement any more, let alone trust men (despite this one seems to be different) because it let me down last time, so let's see what my parents think of him and let's see if he runs a mile after meeting my kids".

Hence why she daren't as yet enter YOUR territory. She doesn't feel safe yet unless on hers.

Plus, she's probably mad at herself for having given into the temptation of jumping into bed with you. This would then see her over-compensating through other means, such as keeping the next date quite far off.

You'll either have to be patient until such time as she feels it's safe to take the brakes and trainer wheels off OR decide she's not ready and brave enough to do a relationship at a more normal, more daring pace. But if you do that, you'll be proving her fears right. Still, that's her problem more than yours. Someone should tell her she's potentially setting herself up in terms of negative self-fulfilling prophesy ("See? SEE? They're ALL basstuds, even the NICE ones!!").

The thing about slow starters, though, is that by the time they DO take off the brakes, they tend to be so relieved, banked-up and liberation-crazy that it then becomes a case of "NYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOW....!!".

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-1