What to do from here?
I have been in my current relationship for just over two years and the more time passes the more I believe I am dating a person completely lacking emotional ability when it comes to relationships. He grew up in a loving home with a clear example of a healthy, affectionate relationship between his parents. However, he has always been extremely spoiled. I believe, with clear evidence before me, that he is self-absorbed and incapable of sympathy towards others situations - especially negative situations. He shows me little respect and no affection.
How did I find myself here? He was completely different in the beginning. I've dated plenty of assholes that I thought I could recognize them from a mile away. This guy though was so charming, so different. I remember, shortly before his behavior changed, he said "if I start acting different, it's because I'm putting up walls so you don't break my heart". However, after this long of living together I can tell you that was not the real guy, that was a cover for ending the get-the-girl-in-bed act. But he still is a pretty great guy so long as I don't try to get him to actually behave like he is in a relationship. So long as we essentially live separate lives, everything goes very smoothly. I almost feel as if I am a trophy girlfriend; he doesn't want to be bothered with me except when it's for appearances sake. I know I am not clearly defining our day to day relationship here and it's difficult to fully explain it.
My question is this: if I leave, I am serving myself a huge emotional blow, as well as facing enormous financial mountains that I cannot possibly scale at this time. I just got a dui, I live in his house, I have fairly low income, and I drive his vehicle as mine is uninsured, untagged, and missing a tire as well as ready to be repo'd. I have nowhere to go and no way to afford it anyway. I think I have been fighting some serious mental stress for a few years now, even before I met him. I wonder how wrong it would be - or if it would even be possible - to simply emotionally distance myself from him and just stay. Living here I have his horses to ride whenever I want, a great country lifestyle I have always coveted, a job I greatly enjoy, everything I have ever wanted except emotional fulfillment.
The more life experience I get, the more I believe grand romances are all but dead. Is it wrong to consider basically using him to keep this life I want? But then what do I do if he ends it? He doesn't seem likely to, not out of affection, but because he just doesn't care either way, and he would potentially look bad if he broke up with me. I've walked away from bad relationships with no hesitation in the past, but now I am weighing the pros and cons of sticking this out.
Any questions for a more clear picture of my situation are more than welcome. Advice is thoroughly invited
You're basically deceiving yourself thinking this relationship will have a rosy future whether you manage to emotionally shutdown from him or not. If you're getting no emotional support from him and this is what you need, then you will eventually walk away, despite the pros. If you feel like a trophy GF, then your gut is talking to you. Sure, you enjoy the lifestyle but you need more than that and rest assured if you do hang around and try to distance yourself from him and remain 'with' him, he will eventually find someone else when gets tired of the relationship.
If this guy shows no respect or affection for you now, then how can you expect him to do it in the future? By remaining with him, you are only setting yourself up for a bigger fall later on. Your post states everything you share belongs to him and therefore he controls everything in your life...even your emotional needs.
So,in a nutshell, you've adjusted your life to keep him happy but now, after 2 years, you're lacking what you need most from a guy who isn't capable of delivering. Can you live your life with someone without being respected and supported emotionally?
You are living with an emotionally frigid housemate, not a boyfriend. How long until he decides on a whim to kick you out of the house? The number one thing you need to do now is GET FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. Save whatever money you can, look for other jobs, just get yourself out of there (or at least be ready to leave when he changes the locks and doesn't tell you.)
Having the horses to ride might seem like a consolation prize, but having a partner who actually loves you is a million times better, and worth striving for! In fact, there must be loads of lonely country boys looking for an actual relationship with a loving girl-- then you could have both the partner and the lifestyle you want! Supporting yourself and getting away from this guy is the key.
And please, please don't drink and drive!
Would he kick you out of the house at all? You seem to feel he wouldn't, which I'm inclined to agree with given how he seems perfectly happy with things as they are, as in, these ARE his terms. Also you've not implied he'd notice if you emotionally detached whilst still in the 'relationship' because you've said he's actually *happiest* when you two are living separate lives when it comes to behind closed doors.
So what you're saying is, would it be immoral for you to continue to benefit from what he pays and bribes you with to stick around, and also indicate that YOU can't live like that anyway because meanwhile you still need an emotionally connective relationship. ('Course.)
I can't answer that first question... unless what you're asking is, should you meantime take a lover? If so - no, that's not the way to deal with this because you shouldn't have to lower yourself to that level as if it's your only solution, plus if he's a public veneer type as you suggest, he won't like 'his woman' making him look or feel a fool. Plus that would be giving him a loaded gun, with any affair discovery posing as the without-warning trigger.
If we ignore the emotional non-fulfilment angle, meaning the question is simply, can you stay and use him like he's using you?, I'd say yes. Because that's what HE'S insisting is the relationship culture, i.e. is using you (against and in spite of what initially was implicationally and tacitly agreed), and has engineered things to make himself the boss and law. In other words, he's encouraged you to be wholly financially and practically dependent on him and also encouraged you not to ask for anything more than material comforts. (He's not a secret homosexual wanting a cover wife, is he?)
However, like you say, as you can't live with that set-up for too long, I would stay put but immediately start trying to step-by-step create an independent, financially self-sufficient new life to leap to. You'd not be breaking any relationship laws because he's managed to convince you he really wouldn't give a t*ss anyway, emotionally, meaning he's made the relationship veer too far from where it can be placed alongside and judged by normal, healthy relationship standards. Plus, by enforcing this situation on you, he loses the right to maintain his public pretence forever or for as long as HE'D ideally like because he can't have it BOTH ways. He can't coerce a relationship into a type that makes staying long-term psychologically impossible for any red-blooded woman and then expect her to do just that, just because he THINKS she wouldn't dare give up the material goodies even at any point.
You WILL at some point give up those goodies because your nature, which by then will be chomping at the bit for proper, mutual love, will just mutineer your mind and make you do its bidding. So make hay while the sun shines, is my vote. You apparently have his full blessing, whether he's aware of it or not.