I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll just break it down in the most simple and basic way possible. I have been with John for almost 3 years now. It started off nothing more then sex, then eventually became something more. We broke up about 3 months after we first started dating. He didn't date anyone during this time but was sleeping around, as was I. We came back in contact with one another, and decided to give it another shot. I was devoted and faithful at this time. John was not only still talking to other women, he was regularly sleeping with his ex (the mother of his child) and sleeping with me at the same time. He would lie to me about meeting up with her, staying at her house, and denied that he was sleeping with her. This continued for about 2 months into our "new" relationship. I would hear rumors when I went out with my girlfriends and I would bring them up to him but he would deny everything and say how crazy I was. I didn't want to believe anything I heard and decided that I would do what it took to keep my relationship with him. Fast forward 2 years later. We moved in to a house together. A couple of incidences have brought the truth out about him and other women and he finally came clean. He says it was only because it was the beginning of our relationship and he didn't think I or the relationship itself was serious. I do believe him and know that he hasn't cheated on me since those first couple of rocky months. He proposed to me last July right before I deployed for a few months. We struggled a little during our time apart but for the most part it wasn't that bad. So that's pretty much the base of our relationship. Here are the problems now...
I am a very pretty girl. I know this about myself. But for some reason, he makes me think that I am not attractive enough for him. He watches porn several times a week (I told him I'm ok with this). And this is our biggest issue...whenever he get around other pretty girls, he makes me feel so down. He stares, and I mean STARES. He flirts and pretty much acts like a kid whos never been around attractive women before. He also says inappropriate things. Last night we stopped to have some drinks at the American Legion and the bartender, whos my friends, is a very pretty and young girl. He not only was staring at her all night, but they discussed vibrators and alluded to "butt f*cking. I was mortified. I have flipped out several times about the staring thing before and I was trying to hold my composure and just accept it (I know all guys do this). But I snapped. I feel like its disrespectful. He makes me feel so inadequate and unattractive. He says I'm crazy and I make all this shit up in my head. I think I'm so damaged from the months he was cheating on me, that I cant tolerate behavior like this. Not even a little bit. At first I really did think I was crazy and depressed...I actually went to a Dr. and gt prescribed Wellbutrin. I am so impulsive when I get upset and there is not filter so these fights tend to get huge. We have always made up, but he says he's worried that its always going to be like this. How can I get over what he did to me in the past? How can I let it not bother when he stares at other women? I hate feeling this way. Is it OK for him to just glare at other women in front of me? I understand in some relationships, couples check out women all the time together. But I am not that girl. Am I wrong for getting so upset? This is putting a huge strain on our relationship but he doesn't make me feel secure. I am constantly gone for the military and I'm around cheating men all the time. I want to come home and feel secure with my fiance. He rarely compliments me, he acts like a hog then demands sex, and rarely does anything nice for me. He is an amazing hard working man, an amazing father, and he's very level headed and not emotional. I am so torn. I do so much for him, his son, and our home, but I get nothing back except seeing him lust over other women. I love him and want this work but how?
Ok, so if you follow my posts you will see I try to be more analytical and phlegmatic in my responses… and unemotionally driven. But I am a strong believer and supporter of our troops and it’s already hard enough on them when they get back to the states. On top of that I am a firm believer in equality for men and women… So this might be alil interesting…
The following sentences & questions and my responses to them, I want you to re-read and read closely… I would be as blunt and as honest with my very own sister, so seriously please read it for you sake.
“He watches porn several times a week (I told him I'm ok with this).” – WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL HIM YOU’RE OK WITH THIS??? This is a red flag bigger than the Turkey and the Chinese flags PUT TOGETHER about the condition of your state of mind. (Serious part now) This tells me that you have absolutely no self-respect or that you feel undeserving of self-respect. Which is entirely the opposite. YOU DO DESERE RESPECT.
“whenever he get around other pretty girls, he makes me feel so down.” – I am pulling out my hair wondering why the hell does she feel like this, it alludes me… THAT’S CALLED SARCASM!!! (Serious part now) This is what I would call a “heinous crime” on his part. He has manipulated you into supporting him in treating you, like you are of no more use to him than tool for his benefit. And he has somehow sweet talked you into actually believing that this is reality. What on god’s green earth tells you that this is ok?
“He stares, and I mean STARES. He flirts and pretty much acts like a kid whos never been around attractive women before.” – He watches porn several times a week… Makes sense fits the description so far. (Serious part now) You gave him the “approval” by saying its ok to watch porn. Watching porn is simply going to lead to more excuses in his mind. Ok porn is complicated in psychology. On one hand most of the time it actually will lead only to conflict within a relationship(s) on the other hand a select few men whos personalities and ego are "deserving" self delusional it grows into much much more. He is one of the delusional.
“He not only was staring at her all night, but they discussed vibrators and alluded to "butt f*cking. I was mortified.” – I’M MORTIFIED THAT YOU ARE MORTIFIED!!! (Serious part now) Why are you mortified??? He would be the perfect definition of a capitalized A**wipe even undeserving of the normal cuss word!!!
“I was trying to hold my composure and just accept it (I know all guys do this).” – Just accept it??? You are killing me. (Serious part now) You seriously need to see a counselor I’m not messin around. This is not healthy by any means whatsoever to believe what you believe. Now I know there are guys left and right who are dumb, slow, stupid, fowl idiots. But with what you do, serving our country and all. It is of absolute necessity that you come to the realization that there are actually decent guys out there. Because you need the support and strength that would come from such a relationship. Are they are hard to find? Depends on where you’re looking… If you’re looking in the nearest sewer and one of the slick shmucks you run into says he’s a good guy, DON’T BELIEVE HIM!!! Now, if you’re looking in a college or a church or some kind of reputable thing, you’re more likely to run into a good dude whos not gonna actually say, “He’s a good guy.” He’s going to prove it and THAT’S how you’re going to know.
“I feel like its disrespectful.” – *Drops everything and starts having a seizure due to shock* YOU’RE-KIDDING??? YOU DON’T SAY??? (Serious part now) I don’t know if I can be serious in my reply… except to say I am very very grateful that you feel this.
“He says I'm crazy and I make all this shit up in my head.” & “We have always made up,” & “he says he's worried that its always going to be like this.” – Remember that part when I told you how he has been manipulating you? Yeeeeeeaaa this was what I was referring too. Yea I’m also worried it’s always going to be like this… IF YOU DON’T WISE UP & GET OUT KJLYN!! (Serious part now) I’m not worried it’s always going to be like this if you stay. I KNOW it will get worse and I cannot stress enough that you absolutely do not deserve what he is doing to you. I almost hope this comes across as me pleading with you to leave him and find someone that is WAAAY better.
“How can I get over what he did to me in the past?” – DON’T BOTHER!!! I don’t know what else to say… pack up and leave maybe? >
“How can I let it not bother when he stares at other women?” – Don’t you dare let it STOP bothering you! (Serious part now) This is your natural instinct TELLING you, it’s wrong, what he is doing is wrong, everything about this is wrong.
“Is it OK for him to just glare at other women in front of me?” – Since you have read this far… do you really need me to reply? I’m more than happy to… NO, IT’S NOT!! (Serious part now) I most certainly do not mean this offensively but… Who raised you to even allow yourself to question if this is ok? This is far-far-far from ok. Like earth to sun distance far.
“I'm around cheating men all the time.” - (Serious part now) (sigh) unfortunately I believe you, as shameful as it is to believe it be true, I know our military is way male chauvinism oriented. It’s one of a few things that make me sad about my country.
“I want to come home and feel secure with my fiance.” – (Serious part now) Why can’t you? What is holding you back? You have these answers within you. This most certainly is not love. This is you trying to believe it is and in all honesty it is sad, because you really don’t deserve it. No one does.
“he acts like a hog then demands sex, and rarely does anything nice for me.” – (Serious part now) As I said above, this is sad. I rarely talk about sex because I believe that’s between me and my wife, if I decide to get married someday. But I believe sex should be… as naïve as this may sound, still believe it. Sacred and between those two individuals alone. Why can’t it be? All it takes is two folks who believe in it. So what is stopping you from believing in something like that as well? Prove to me that it can't be found. If such intimate loyalty is something you’re after of course.
“seeing him lust over other women. I love him and want this work but how?” - (Serious part now) I hope by now you are starting to see what he is, what he has done, and what he is continuing to do to you. Why do you love someone who has made you believe all these lies, and question all your good ideals that are correct? He has violated your loyalty your heart and your personality. This is no man I see, he does not follow any code of honor I am aware of or believe in. I wouldn’t care if he was even in the MILITARY! I know there are men in our military like this and I know the psychology behind it all and I have seen a decent load of death and suffering myself. They are stains upon our flag. As harsh as that may sound I know it’s possible to be loyal to someone while serving your country, or visa-versa. People do it all the time and don’t use the challenges of being a soldier as an excuse to hide behind.
“He says it was only because it was the beginning of our relationship and he didn't think I or the relationship itself was serious. I do believe him and know that he hasn't cheated on me since those first couple of rocky months.” - (Serious part now) These two sentences alone if you had only said this would have told me EVERYTHING. 1 you’re making an excuse for him. So that means your defending his flawed view. Which further means that he has somehow morphed your thoughts into believing that how he can treat you and cheat on you is ok. Which tells me that you have submitted to accept his manipulations from this very fowl boy. I feel bad for his son. Because in the end if the son is influenced more by his father than you or his mother, he will become his father. I am seeing it happen to a few of my own foster brothers as well as step brothers. It’s unfortunate to see to say the least. 2 you believe him that’s why I know you have submitted to him and his lies. He hasn’t changed one tiny ounce if he had, he wouldn’t be what he is now. What I don't understand at ALL, is your military! In training you have to have a mental strength that is incredible and of high caliber. Why are you letting this snake make you believe these lies?! You are FAR from stupid/dumb your nothing like that, your ridiculously intelligent. America rarely let's stupid people join, there's the asvab first of all that weeds out a ton of idiots and trigger happy fools that would get everyone killed. Is it your scared to be alone when you come home from deployment? Is it because you want to believe in a fantasy that you believe simply doesn't exist? Why are you doing this to yourself? 3 It is not impossible to know if he has cheated on you, however, and god bless you for serving our country. But when your gone im sorry to say you simply cannot know 100% but you can know that he hasn’t changed. And you did tell us that he makes you feel like your not pretty. So that means that that there is easily a 70-80% chance that he is. He is flirting with women, ogling them, mentally undressing them already. Its only a question, phone call, and short drive away before it becomes what society considers officially as “cheating.” Too me the moment he looked at porn he was cheating because why does he need porn if he has you? Ofcourse that’s just me, so what I do to accommodate those I talk to on this forum, I loosen the leash so to say, to its cheating if a guy or woman is flirting with another while in a committed relationship. I can be reasonable
If i don't get a response from you I understand. Probably offended you. I'd rather offend you and hopefully slap some reality into you than make you happy. But I would still be very curious to hear your thoughts.
What this problem comes down to, in my eyes, is that for a relationship to work, you both have to pitch in. It sounds to me like you're doing all the compromising, and that's not right. He needs to understand how much his past actions (cheating) and current actions (staring and being inappropriate) hurt you and undermine your self-worth. If him staring at other women makes you feel terrible, then HE needs to do something to address it, not just you. If he truly cares about you, he will tone it down -- not because it's "wrong" for men to stare, or because he has to do everything you say, but because he should want to avoid hurting you at all costs. That's what partners who truly love you try to do! Make it clear that you will try to work through some of these issues, but that he has to do something too -- maybe you agree that when he's doing this, you say the single word "stare" and he apologizes and looks back at you, or something.
It may be that he's just unwilling to change his behavior (he definitely is ABLE to!) and at that point you have to leave him for greener pastures. It sounds like you would have no trouble finding another man, one who would truly care about your feelings.