Need some relationship input/advice...currently heartbroken and confused!
Hi there everyone,
This is going to be a bit long but there's a lot I need to explain and a lot that I need to express as I don't know where else to turn or who else to talk to. I am 22 (turning 23 this year, same goes for my girlfriend...or ex-girlfriend). We both met online in 2011 (not through a dating site), and she's my first girlfriend. We instantly had an insanely strong connection and I asked her to be my girlfriend 2 months after meeting her. From so early one we talked about everything and anything, discussed our future together and even as recently as months ago (we've been together as a couple since April, 2011). We see each other basically every 2 months (longer during summer and holidays), since we were both in school. Whenever we see each other everything is just perfect. So much love, care, affection and just togetherness. We talk to each other daily for hours and hours, about anything and everything. Everything has always been normal and perfect. For basically 3 years my girlfriend would never go out, never do much of anything, and I'm exactly like that and always have been (I like staying at home with my family). Recently; however, within the past 6+ months, new workers started at her work (a movie theater) and there were some things I disliked that she started doing very frequently (after working all day and getting off at 10:30pm, she'd just stay there until 3am with them doing whatever or watching random movies but I wanted her to just go home, rest, talk to me for a bit and whatever). There were a couple times where she'd go to a friends house, say she's only going to stay there a few hours and head home, then last minute or next morning text me "Sorry, I fell asleep and ended up staying the night." Most recently (around New Years), I paid over 400 dollars to change her ticket to come up here to be with me and my family because she had a sick pet with days to live, and I said that I paid that much so you can spend a few extra days with her because her timeline is unknown. Since it was new years she worked half the day and decided to spend the other half with friends, wasting one entire day I paid for her to stay with her pet on work (which is fine), but then with her friends. I told her I've gotten over all of this and literally we didn't argue about this stuff very often (and when we did we would get over it pretty much the next day).
For 4 years I would literally do anything for her and I would get her anything she wanted and more. I treated her like a queen, respected her and her family like crazy, was nothing but loyal and honest with her and showed her nothing but love and care. I've shown her that i'm fully committed to her by getting her a promise ring after 1 year of dating, we've discussed very specific plans of our future and everything and we've literally done everything together. Im in Canada and she is in the US, so I went down for U.S. Thanksgiving (late November), and she came up here right after New Years and into early January. Both times everything was completely normal, we were excited to see each other, we'd kiss, cuddle, say i love you often, had open communication, this might be a bit TMI, but even when she came up in January she let me "go down" on her and do that kind of stuff. So i'm essentially saying there were no signs of anything at all. Even up until January 24th our communication via text and online was completely normal, she text me I love you and then out of nowhere on January 25th I don't hear from her. I instead get a text at 7pm after she's done work (mind you she stayed 2 hours later) saying "We need to talk." Then all of the sudden she texts me saying "I can't stay in this relationship any longer, my feelings have changed and have been changing" and now she doesn't even want to discuss anything with me, says theres no way she can even give me any chance at all, doesn't want to talk to me for a month and doesn't even want to give me the time of day at all.
From my perspective i've done nothing to receive this kind of treatment from her. She states that this decision isn't because i'd get upset with her hanging out with her friends, but that its just something else/other things that ill never understand and can't be explained, that feelings change and she doesn't feel anything anymore. I've specifically told her that I'm deserving of a second chance and our relationship that we've built over the 4 years is deserving of it. I told her that I feel like i've been lead on and manipulated into thinking and seeing this relationship as one way when she's clearly viewed it as something else. It seems like she's been using me for her own selfish reasons, to get anything and everything she wants and then she just dumps me and doesn't want to have anything to do with me out of the blue? She completely denies (as does her parents) that there's anyone else involved. But the kind of feelings we've had for each other for so long and the fact that she's been acting the same towards me and communicating the same way for all this time without even mentioning any sort of change of feelings and not even showing anything different makes no sense to me and leads me to believe that she's lying about the whole feelings are completely gone thing. You don't completely feel nothing anymore for someone you've been with for 4 years and for someone who has treated her like a queen any chance I get and has done everything for her. I've spent every single day of the past 6 months applying for jobs in her area because I know that's what she wanted and what our relationship needed. And I just recently got an interview and it went well and she says "Oh, I had to do this now more than ever because I don't want you getting a job here and then me having to do this once you're stuck here...the whole job thing sped up the process." My entire plan has been dedicated to eventually going down there because I want to and most importantly for our relationship. For 4 years that's been my plan and I did everything I possibly could to have that happen.
I'm so confused by all of this and none of it makes any sense that I just need some insight or opinions as to what's even going on. I love her more than anything in the world and she and everyone knows that. Even with how she's handling this and how she's treating me I still have so much love and care for her and want nothing more than to give her the life we've always talked about having together. It pains me and crushes me that she's saying all these hurtful things and wants nothing to do with me anymore and wont give me any chance at all to show her I've changed and show her that what we have is still all there. I physically, emotionally and mentally can't stand to see her with anyone else and I can't picture myself with anyone else either. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about that (probably affecting me worse since she was my first everything), and just the special bond we had with one another, this isn't the same person anymore and I have no idea what to do or what to think. Nothing i'm saying is even getting through to her and it seems pretty clear that she's made up her mind and wants nothing to do with me anymore. The whole not wanting to talk to me for a month thing and needed that month break I find ridiculous, considering she said after that month its basically just going to be like friends talking to one another, never to date again, yet I did nothing at all to deserve this silent treatment. We go 4 years of literally non-stop talking and always being happy talking for long with each other to now nothing at all. I did, said, etc. nothing at all to deserve any of this. Ever since she said it's done she hasn't wanted to talk to me, doesn't even want to discuss anything with me or try to work things out or anything. Not once throughout the past months has she expressed her feelings have been changing or how much what I've said or done or something has affected her. She said that even if she expressed things to me sooner it would probably have lead to this anyways (which I don't even understand). She said that its not what i've DONE, but it's just a whole other thing that can't even be explained. Thing is, aside from those times where I disagreed with her, nothing has been anything other than perfect between us.
Thank you for your time reading this and so sorry for writing so much. If you need any other details at all don't hesitate to ask.
There's two things you can do, 1. sit back and wait for her and in the meantime 'worry yourself into an early grave' or 2. accept it that it's over, get over it (not easy, but time heals everything) and get on with your life. Your GF's actions are speaking and I'm sorry but even if you guys shared a strong bond for 4 years, it's no longer there from her perspective. If she did, her actions would indicate it and she would be communicating to you and making you her number one priority.
Get on with your life, you're only 23 and you have a whole life ahead of you. In the future, you will look back and realise that what's happened is one of life's many learning curves. And, I might add, don't be sorry for writing so much because when you put your thoughts on paper, you're expressing yourself in black and white. It helps to sooth you and get it all out.
I'm sorry, it will be hard, but you need to focus yourself on positive goals from hereon. One day she will be able to explain it all but in the meantime, don't wait for her, instead, look ahead to life with someone else who shares your life goals and needs to be with you.