Is he cheating or trying to?
So, my husbands job called me to tell me that his cell phone was turned in to security while he was at work. They said they found it in the Northeast end of the parking lot. I told them his name and they contacted him to let him know his phone was at the security desk. An hour later, he calls me from the security desk and says that someone must have taken his phone at lunch when he was eating in the cafeteria after he accidentally left it there. He then proceeded to tell me that whoever took his phone also "apparently" contacted a dating site because there was a text on there from a woman. He said all this while in front of the security guard, who apparently saw the text too. I was a little confused at first as to why he was telling me this. After we hung up, I realized a few things. In the past month he has received 3 emails from someone asking him to TEXT them, that they want to do "nasty" things with him. I had checked his email, thought it was maybe some spammer, and deleted it. The 3rd time however, he retrieved the email instead of me, but didn't delete it. I found it later and deleted it. Then I realized that the text he received on his cellphone was from an "email" address and the contents went something like this: "Hi do you remember me?? We met on a personal dating site. Is this still your same contact number? I was hoping we could get back in touch because I'm kinda single again." 3 days prior to receiving this email text on his phone, he also had shaved his pubic hair without my knowledge (he's NEVER done that). He has never gotten any email text on his personal cell phone until that day. Coincidence?? He says it was probably on there from whoever "stole" his phone. I asked him, "why would they take your phone from the blgd., text someone who asked if it was still their 'same' contact number, then leave the phone in the parking lot before they get the answer???? He said, "who knows. Spammers send this kind of stuff all the time." ..... Is this fishy or what??? What do you think happened? I have this "senders" text written down on my computer including her "email address". (P.S., he's also got a shady background since we've been married.....i.e. as a cab driver, he went to this girls house who "propositioned him for sex", told her no, waited for her to go inside, then after sitting in her driveway for 5 minutes, changed his mind and went to the door to knock. She "supposedly" never answered and he never did anything. ... He's also into very perverted activity that he wishes would happen in our marriage.) Help.
I don't want to upset you but he is so up to no good. If he is looking at single web sites and getting all kinds of texts like you say, He is looking for something! You need to nip this in the bud before he puts his intentions into action. Maybe you should confront him and talk with people at his work. Maybe the security officer could give you more info. I say "a leopard NEVER changes his spots" Once a player always a player!
Ok so I have to respectfully disagree with my counterpart above. “Once a player always a player!” Cause there’s two reasons. That’s giving your husband “one title” which means he’s nothings else. When he’s a husband, person, human and so on. We as people are many titles. The second thing is the word “always.” We as people are changing who we are on a daily basis based off of facts, opinions, knowledge, and lessons we learn. So that’s of course ONLY MY VIEW.
I do agree that he certainly is hiding something. He’s a horrible liar if that’s really what he said. He has basically just informed you, “I am doing something very much against what a married man should do so don’t look…” At first I was considering spam because some of it can actually be quite realistic. However that’s easy to get rid of, change your email address and send an update that you have to all your contacts.
The security guard could get in major trouble if he really did go through the phone. So asking him about anything would really would just be asking someone else for an opinion. Entirely up to you. I pray for his sake that he simply saw the text because the phone was either open or the screen lit up and revealed it right in front of him. Police officers can’t even search your phone without a warrant.
Now here’s a few option you have before you. Some you have already seen or been doing. You can confront him and just come out and ask him. Are you cheating? He will react in one of a few ways. If he gets all mad and defensive in his response. You know for sure he is. Why on earth would anyone get mad about a question that doesn’t relate to them? Are you married? Are you going to become offended? Your probably just gonna reply like its nothing, yes. If he is not cheating he will reply with a solid answer. No, he won’t be offended, (assuming there are no anger issues involved that don’t relate cause then this rationale would be different) it would be reasonable for him to be hurt that you were even thinking that or for him to ask you why your thinking that so he can reassure or get down to the cause of your concern. But back to being defensive, if he’s defensive he doesn’t need to find the cause of your concern because he KNOWS it already he’s just hoping you don’t know or find it. Thus his reason for becoming defensive or angry. Anger is the emotion that shelters fear.
Those are the most obvious responses a person will do. The basic yay or nay responses. If he really isn’t as terrible a liar as I think he is, he will respond in a manner that comes across as honest, not angry, cool headed but he won’t say yay or nay first. He’ll ask a question first because he will know by your response how to respond in kind. The yay or nay will come second and it will allow him time to build up his comeback. Now in this kind of conversation where the answer is a lot more difficult to tell you have to be able to notice a few details from his body language. Because it’s a combination of the body language, conversation, vocal tone, and eye movement. There’s a few others but those are the ones you want to focus on most.
Body language, how is his posture? Is he leaning against something as you are talkin? Are his arms folded? Is he even taking this seriously? Is his attention on the discussion or is doing something else? Did he move from the conversation to an activity such as washing dishes… something he never does… are his hands together or separate do they as though it took actually thought to place them the way they are or are they just resting.
Conversation, I have a stutter. I have been made fun of throughout my life (and have learned how to fight because of it) because I stutter. But the reason I stutter is because my mind races twice as fast as anyone around me even realizes. So I know them before they even open their mouths. I know their personality by how they sit, dress and smell alone. Conversation only tells me how stupid or smart they are and then tells me their personal history or emotional control or challenges that they are currently going through and a few other things. Now when you talk with him, how does he respond to you? Does he hesitate, does he stutter, does he think about his words or react impulsively. Why does he need to act impulsively? Your just having a conversation it’s not like he’s on trial… right? Again is it a tense discussion or casual. Are insults thrown or voices raised to get points across, why? Are you having a conversation or proving a point. If your proving a point why are you even trying to prove a point does it all fit with the man you knew/believed you married?
Vocal tone, is very important. Something often misread, misunderstood or ignored even. For ecample, when someone asks in a stressed tone, “Can you help me?” It can be mis interpreted as irritable or like, “What the hell you just standing there for? Help!” dramatic difference. In this simple conversation that will begin the moment you ask him if he is cheating, his voice will tell you a ton about the truth. Did he raise his voice most obvious, why? Did he respond calmly. Was it a normal calm or did it come across as even suspicious because he had to think of a response?
The very last thing eye movement. This can be way complicated, so I’m not going to get all technical for what you need to know is simple, if you ask him a question and he glances to HIS left not like obviously to the wall left. It’s just a slight glance. Almost like past your head or even to your ear, this is him creating something mentally. Does not always mean a lie so ask specific questions. Up and to the right more often than not is memory recall. Please understand that this is seriously in layman terms. But if you employ it with everything else explained it will reveal a great deal of information.
Know its a lot but hope it helps.
I'm not technically-minded enough to comment, really, but regards that email... Read it again:
""Hi do you remember me?? We met on a personal dating site. Is this still your same contact number? I was hoping we could get back in touch because I'm kinda single again." "
Now imagine you're a real, live woman (LOL, you know what I mean) who'd once been 'in touch' with a man - which, note, must have been FAIRLY recent to allow you to feel the time lapse didn't render the act entirely inappropriate by now - who was wanting to re-strike up contact via a text message. Don't you think it would sound more like this example?...
"Hi, it's Deborah, remember me? We met on DatingDirect back in September. I was the one wearing the fluffy bunny slippers in my photo that you found so hilarious. Is this still your same contact number? I was hoping we could get back in touch because I'm kinda single again. PS: Please don't reply if your name's not John."
See what's missing from the real version now? ANYTHING PERSONAL. You'd want to be personal. You wouldn't WANT him mixing you up with another woman.
Sounds like a deliberate dating site "cold call" lure to me, doesn't it you?
I mean, why say something so vague as, 'personal dating site'? Why even 'personal'? It's supposedly superfluous to requirements if he already should know who the woman is, enough that she feels he'd still be interested, right? To me it sounds like a low-down-doity marketing ploy that's fashioned on the assumption that any bloke is unlikely to have been in that 'height' and nature of contact with more than just ONE woman. A guesstimated bet/worth a try, in other words.
So the message definitely sounds too contrived to be genuine.
Not that it discounts whether he might be cheating (ref shaved pubes and the cabbie incident). But this particular incident could be a case of right forest, wrong tree. On this occasion, it could be that someone did genuinely lift his phone - maybe because they very badly needed to make just the one call but didn't have anyone off of whom they could just ask to borrow their phone, but not wanting to actually be a bona fide thief, made that one call and then 'considerately' left it where it would highly like be found and returned to the owner... and MEANWHILE, the spammers had added to the information they already held (namely the email address), with your husband's mobile phone number and were trying this alternative avenue instead or as well as the email route as had priorly failed to yield any success in the form of a response. You're obviously quite technically au fait so, what do you think?
I seriously respect Soulmates observations so I would definitely not rule out that it's spam. All i was saying is that he is hiding something because it is quite apparent to me. Just saying o.o
I'm guessing he's at the very least 'looking around' for these naughty emails and whatnot to show up (I'd expect him to be going on dirty sites to get that kind of 'spam'. Plus, I'm guessing it's bots that are sending the messages. Additionally, spontaneously shaving down there is quite strange.
Anyway, I'd not go as far as to assume he's seeing other people, because that could lead to troubles... Especially if he is innocent, you just don't want to go there. (I've actually 'look around' to my options for seeing other women before, but I'd never actually cheat on my girlfriend. They are two very different things, and you don't want a misunderstanding to cause a good relationship to end.)
I would certainly keep your eye out... But I guess I don't have much for good advice on that topic.
UPDATE: I appreciate the responses. I confronted him on the phone about the text, he denied it was him who did it, and when I asked a second time in a different way he snapped at me, "how many times are you going to ask me?" I snapped back, "as many times as I need to!" and hung up the phone, not wanting to argue with him. So what does he do? Leave work, rush home, and begin yelling at me for asking such a question. As I proceed to tell him what I think "may" have happened (him being the one who texted this "email" address), he proceeds to "break my computer" (I'm currently using a second one we have) and then break the bathroom door as I hide in there to escape from his wrath. Wow!! I tell him that his yelling sure makes him look guilty and he proceeds to yell at me, name call, etc. He refuses to let me leave the house and then eventually decides that "he" is going to be the one to leave. He takes our "internet modem" and takes off in the car. I take that opportunity to immediately leave, take off walking and call my oldest daughter for a ride. Later on after I come home, he asks me where I've been and I tell him I went to my daughter's. He "apologizes" for everything and changes his entire demeanor to being "slow to wrath". That night I hid his cellphone and decided the next day to take it in to our cell provider and change the number. That next day after he comes home from work, I let him know that I changed the number and he says to me, "so now what happens when this phone begins to get spam?" I say, "well if it does, we'll deal with it but it's still curious that you had your previous number for 4 years and we never "once" got spam in the form of a text on it." He just reiterates that it wasn't him who did it. The rest of the day he acts completely paranoid wondering what I'm doing on the internet, who I'm talking to in chat, quizzing "everything" I'm doing. He continues this paranoia "all day long." So, the next day after this, he takes the cell to work and when he comes home, guess what?? He has a "spam" message on the phone in the form of a "text". Wow. It's the "first" thing he tells me when he walks in the door. "Oh guess what. This phone already got a spam message." He shows me this "text" from a spammer who ironically is sending from the "same" provider that we use. Gmail. This "spammer's" email is in the form of a lottery win. I just shake my head. The day goes on and he continues to act completely paranoid of "my" activities that normally would not be a concern to him. Later in the day, as we are out driving to get dinner, I take a closer look at this "new text" to his "new phone number." I notice that it was sent at 12:31 pm. He works from 3:50 am to 12:20 pm everyday and his job does not allow them to use the internet when on shift. He usually calls me by 12:25 pm to let me know he's on his way home. But what time does he call me on this day that this "new spam text" is sent? 12:35 pm. Interesting. This "spammer" sent this new "text" in the form of an "email" from the same "provider" we use at 12:31, when he would be off work, and then he calls me at "12:35" to let me know he's coming home. (smh) I come home and do research on this "text" and can't find "one" complaint from anyone anywhere of a similar person or email address or company sending them spam texts similar to this one. I also find out that the only way this "spammer" could have sent this "email text" to his cellphone is if they knew his cellphone carrier. Wow. I confront him about the text, asking him if he "created" it, and he says to me, "Cut it out. You're making false accusations and you need to stop. You're ruining a perfectly good relationship!" ..... Now it's "my" fault that our relationship appears ruined to him because I'm asking questions??? I remain silent and for the next 24 hours he "showers" me with affection, and keeps asking, "what's wrong? Why have you been standoffish with me for the last few days?" when I don't respond in kind.... As though nothing has happened to be of any concern. He also continues his paranoia of "my" activities, even though I'm just doing what I normally do everyday. If this entire week has not been extremely telling, I don't know what is..... Please share your thoughts.
He also "broke" the drink carrier in our car when I asked him if it was "him" who contrived this "new text" sent to his "new phone number." And just to let you know, he is "never" paranoid of my activities, as he is now....
One more thing I remembered: the second day after he initially told me about this "spam text", we were talking on the phone during his lunch break (I was a little silent, not having much to say), and he says to me out of the blue, "I don't do anything when I come to work. I just come to work, go to lunch, go back to work. Then come home." I asked him why he said that and he says, "because that's all I do." We weren't even discussing the text or anything of that nature at that time...This just hit me rather strange, as though he was practicing some script, trying to convince himself and me of it.
"he snapped at me, "how many times are you going to ask me?" I snapped back, "as many times as I need to!" and hung up the phone,"
High five! Love that sassy response! In fact, I think it's the best comeback I've ever heard from a woman in your position!
1. Taz from Tasmania on Acid? Well, although highly infantile, that OTT rampage doesn't automatically mean he's guilty. It means he has anger management problems, definitely. But as far as WHY that reaction isn't automatically condemning, the answer is: people also hate to be misunderstood, particularly if one acted upon has the potential to do actual damage to their welfare and/or life as they know it (e.g. you ending the relationship). So you have to look at ALL the actions and reactions - as if ingredients in a cocktail.
There again, that reaction might BECOME the new crime; you might have ended the relationship itself because of that giant 'mantrum'. But would you or are you used to it and letting him get away with it? Or might it have been geared towards distraction?
2. Rushed home.
Why the rush? A guilty man would want time to formulate answers to any possible accusation, comment or question you might come up with during a confrontation. He'd also want you to stew in your distress to afford you to become less and less clear-thinking. Unless he'd already done this mental answers pre-formulating exercise before now, that action, to me, suggests innocence. Albeit that begs the questions, HOW innocent, or, and only innocent of this specific accusation?
3. He didn't leave.
Nuff said. Well, not 'nuff' because by doing so he could have been exposing himself to another round in the dock. One thing's for certain - this guy does NOT want to let you go. His Taz reaction was definitely to make you shut up and possibly to shock you back into (his perception) sanity.
4. "That night I hid his cellphone and decided the next day to take it in to our cell provider and change the number."
Sorry, you did WHAT, Control Freak Number Three Million & Five?
Checking your partner's phone when you feel you have sufficient grounds to is one thing - because obviously the Police aren't going to assign any investigating officer to any *emotional* crime, domestic or otherwise - but that was OTT on your part. You two are very extreme personalities, aren't you. That has to be taken into account.
5. Again, I'm not confident about the technical data here, but - WAS your relationship perfectly good before this happened? I find this choice of phrase of his very interesting for its ring of genuineness (unless he's a practised player). As does his question about what's wrong that could have caused all this suspiciousness of yours, because it means he's trying to look BEHIND this cheating-or-not scenario as well as trying to start a DISCUSSION. A guilty mind wouldn't be able to (again, unless a practised player), he's be too fixated on trying to avoid you finding out and chucking him out. Again, what HE'S basically saying there is, forget this symptom and let's get to the REAL issue.
Tell me, going by your nonchalance as caused mostly inactivity at having found those three original emails: have you been relaxing and taking him/the relationship for granted lately or feigning lowered interest for any reason?
Think really hard. Replay the 'tape' of the last however many months. Because this is what I'm suspecting: he's deliberately gone onto certain sites and texted certain numbers IN ORDER TO set off a marketing bombardment (think boutique sales staff who pounce on you the minute you so much as touch a garment, with, 'Can I help you?') and the reason he's done so is this classic: "Look-at-me-look-at-meee-why-have-you-ceased-looking-at-me-lately?!". Think neglected-feeling toddler who deliberately tries to touch some ornament he knows is out of bounds... mum jumps to attention... aim, fire, BULLSEYE. He's done this to make you need to up your ante ONLY via the fact this so-called suspicious material is enough to make you sit up and focus on him yet NOT enough to justify you ending the relationship. His OTT reaction suggested to me anger at HIMSELF at the fact of his cunning little wife-attention-recapturing exercise having gone too far around the continuum to where it's backfired onto him.
He's a ham-fisted type, isn't he. You tell him to turn up the telly and he turns it up TOO far (and vice versa if you want it turned down just a bit). Correct?
Is your mind going Ping! at that attention-recapturing suggestion?
PS: Oh, and obviously the other giant clue was the fact he *deliberately brought to your attention* the fact of another incoming spam text. He could have just deleted it and said nothing, right?
That's this: toddler wanting mummy to HEAR him about to potentially topple her favourite vase.. in case she fails to notice and react/give him attention, and either continues to 'ignore' him or settles back down with whatever she was originally engrossed in.
Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention if good attention seems to have for too long been off the menu. And you failing to have reacted initially to those 3 emails says your mind *very* tellingly did this: Yawn, yeah, whatever.
If nudging your fave vase with his finger doesn't work, that calls for the 'volume' to be turned up to where you WILL notice and react... and enter ham-fistedness thanks to desperation in the form of an act unable to be better regulated.
1. Yes, he's been violent in the past, even threatening to take my life. Yes, I stayed with him when he apologized, but not so sure about it this time. There's so many details to share, it would take a week to put them all in this forum (and I wouldn't want to make anyone on this forum suffer with their length).
2. He rushed home because I hung up on him and he was upset about that. He WILL NOT be disrespected - as he tells me over and over. He knew that I found out about the text and he had to immediately address the situation. He often uses violence or threats to get me to comply to his wishes. He often makes me suffer when I do not agree with him. He did not come home in a loving manner, but rather to abuse me and further threaten "abandoning" me if I didn't change my thinking and believe him.
3. Not sure what you mean here. He DID leave. He took off in the car with the modem, and then I escaped his wrath by leaving myself.
4. Yes, I changed the number because I wasn't about to put up with more pornographic spam from whoever it was. He didn't mind and didn't care one way or the other.
5. No, it wasn't 'perfectly good' in fact it's been a roller coaster ride with his continual lying, abuse, and infidelities here and there. Again, too much to put in this forum. No, the relationship is not being neglected. In fact, he has all of me from the moment he comes home to the moment he leaves. But one thing I "have" found out about him? He's a sociopath...
He told me about this "text" as he was also telling the "security guard" who found it first. Saving face perhaps?
Thank you for all the helpful responses. I appreciate them.
That's fine, then. I've played Devil's Advocate but all it's achieved is you being *clearer* now about this relationship being seriously, DIRELY, in fact, under-par. And if you're now saying he's committed infidelitie-SUH before, then  you can be forgiven for concluding that he should have been being more careful to be on his best behaviour since, meaning, the fact he *hasn't* is grounds enough to throw in the towel, and  obviously his idea of 'perfectly good' is risible and requires no more discussion because there's already too little to work with regardless of these latest shennanigans. I.e. it may suit him and his aims but it absolutely does not suit you and yours.
But your level of certainty does then beg the question, TS: why did you even need to create a thread called, 'Is he cheating or trying to?'. Surely, you had enough of a compelling rap sheet to have known that all on your own?
Out of interest, how did you 'find out' he's a sociopath?