Fast moving relationships
My question is mostly just, what are some of the psychological and physical downsides to a relationship that moves fast? I've been in a good number of relationships, and all of them moved rather quickly. I never really considered it to be a bad thing since the relationship was for the most part, happy for the duration of it. I always set a rule for myself "Don't date someone unless you can see yourself marrying them." That said, I always get to know my partner before I start dating them. This 'getting to know' phase usually lasts only around the first week after I meet them. It only lasts that long since I'm not very good with casual conversation, so I spend a lot of time just talking, learning about her and telling her about me. If I'm still interested after I think I've thoroughly gotten to know them, I consider dating them. Once I am in a relationship it usually moves very fast. I'm very considerate, thoughtful, loving, affectionate. It seems like when I get into a relationship girls fall for me rather quickly, and I for her. Usually within the first month we're in that 'lovey-dovey' stage. Although some people say that is short lived, I've never had that 'lovey-dovey' stage fall out, with exception to when relationships just grow apart. (As I'm not good at casual conversation, and in my past I've been a thoroughly uninteresting person, some people have just grown bored of me and decided that affection and romance isn't enough and the relationship grows apart.) (All of my relationships have ended that way with exception to 2, which I will not get into.) As for my current relationship. We've been dating for about one and a half years. As I said before, the lovey-dovey phase continues. Now, in all of my relationships that last longer than a month or two, I notice that insecurities always persist. She has fear of me leaving her. I've always been 100% committed to her, and I've expressed that to her non-stop since I've started dating her. And as time passes, I'm finding issues of my own. Part of it is just, I want to experience everything in life, and I know being in a relationship will limit me in so many ways. And then, I just have doubts in my mind. "Is this the right girl for me?". I know I love her. She makes me feel special, and happy! Before I met her I'd never felt confident when it comes to socializing or relationships. Now, I feel attractive, sexy, and confident in every way. Now, I have no intent on ever leaving her unless I just 'know' things aren't going to work out and that she isn't 'the one'. I even fantasize sometimes about making a family with her, and growing old together. I feel like if I give it time and we're together and we get married, these insecurities will all go away eventually. (Of the year and a half we've been together, I've only been together in person with her for a total of about 4 months on and off (Her living with me) so we're rather in a long distance relationship currently.) So my questions are, is moving the relationship so fast the reason these insecurities are here now in the long run? Is that possible? And with all that I said, would you think that these issues would go away with time as I'm hoping?
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It's quite simple. It's a mutual test-drive (think car purchase expedition). If you're going to do it at full pelt, you have to concentrate and process stimulus far harder in order to make necessary mental checks and preventative or reactive adjustments far faster so as not to damage or crash the car or take wrong turns.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people using guns as their mere tool, whereas guns can also achieve good.
Going fast doesn't kill relationships, people kill relationships using going fast as their mere tool, whereas going fast can also achieve good.
The intentions and reasons BEHIND going using a gun or going fast are what matter. Intention is *everything*. And then doing every single thing in your power to make those good intentions come to lasting fruition. So if going fast is ones way of sabotaging the relationship through cutting corners and leaving important parts of the process out, then ones need to sabotage is the problem.
For example, you can keep test-driving what you can deep down sense are lemons. They're going to go kaput on you or break down completely.
Don't pick lemons, and concentrate harder during the test-drive to ensure you haven't. Berbom.
It's natural to have wobbles, though (this case, her). That's not lemonitis. Lemonitis is if the wobbler allows those fears to take her over where they affect her attitudes, thinking and decisions as detriment the relationship.
If she's telling you whenever she's wobbling, thereby giving you the chance to talk her down again, that's not Lemonitis, that's befitting Team Spirit (tick!).
As a parallel, I remember my son's first day at nursery school. Non-apropos of me and our mother-son relationship, he was hysterical with fear of abandonment. So I gave him my watch to wear (and told his teacher). It was a very cherished *and* expensive watch and he knew it because I'd never so much as let him touch it before. Now he knew without any shadow of a doubt that I was coming back to collect him and happily went off to join the other children. He may not have had the mental wherewithal to appreciate how unbreakable the mother-child bond was whilst under mutineering of typically irrational human fear and (note!) *self*-doubt, but that action of mine computed just fine as indisputable proof and reassurance.
And the moral of that little story is: define "[non-stop] expressed". And also bear in mind that fear is infectious. So it doesn't surprise me that her frequency (and perhaps strength?) of wobbling is making *you* have doubts.
Stop the rot. Give her your 'watch'. It's a short-cut, Jim, but not as we know it (it's legitimate). Because actions that meaty can't be argued with.
PS: No, they won't go away. But they'll transform. 'Now' you're no longer worried she'll leave you of her own volition, and, instead, worry that, for example, a big fat truck will squish her as she crosses the road. Same for her. (Are human = will worry and wobble.)
I know what you mean. I was in a Relationship for 3 years and it was all online. I didn't really meet him until his last year of high school. then we started having problems when I couldn't drive up there to see him(200 miles away)as much as I wanted too. then he ended up cheating on me at least twice, the first time he was drunk and I forgave him because it was only once. the second time he couldn't hide. I was trying to get a hold of him all day and then he said he was at a friends house which was weird because he didn't have many friends and he didn't tell me who it was. but in a strange way I knew what was happening and he didn't have the balls to say I to me face. LDR are hard even on teenagers from 15-19 but now that I think about it I really wish I was still with him. I haven't had a relationship since him and that was 3 years ago I am now in my second year of college and when im lonely I think about him. so my advice to you this LDR will work out trust me it will all you need is to put back any doubt you may have for them or for yourself and just push through and just love each other don't make the same mistake like I did and give up the love of my life.
I wish you and your girlfriend a happy long life