I left my husband and the guilt is killing me
An old flame contacted me after many many years. His wife had died just 7 days prior. I wanted to see him just to take a trip down memory lane.
I was married (30yrs) with a beautiful daughter. But I was unhappy.
To make a long story short. I fell in love with my old flame and I left my marriage. My old flame moved 3 hours away to be with me as I couldn't stand being away from my daughter.
Now, I'm so confused. I love my bf but just can't put the guilt and shame of what I did to rest. I feel I deserve to suffer as much as I am. It has escalated into major depression, anxiety, agoraphoblia to the point that I can't work.
I truly thought that because my old flame and I reconnected with strong feelings after so many years, that that was the reason why i've been so unhappy for so long. It made perfect sense at the time, but not so much now. I can't release myself from the shame and guilt and if someone said "yes you should suffer" I'd 100% agree with them.
It has been a year of me hoping for something to change, a sign of any kind about what I should do. I wish the whole thing wouldn't have happened because dealing with unhappiness is much easier to deal with than the pain i'm in now.
Im not gonna say your a horrible person or that you should suffer. I don't tell people that i may inform them that an enlightenment will be beneficial but in your case since you have been torturing yourself for nearly a year thats enough. Don't you? Yea i agree with you morally you did something very questionable (this is assuming the guy you left was an honorable man) but i believe in second and third and fourth and however many chances it takes to change and come to an understanding. You hit this undrrstanding a yr ago. Now its time to forgive yourself. Its time to stop saying all these horrible things about yourself in your mind. Its time to pick up and move on. You need to find someone or something that will pick you up of the ground dust ya off and motion for you to keep moving along. All you can do is learn from that experience now. Let it add to your well of wisdom so you can share and hopefully stop others from similar path. Thats what you need to do. How you go about it is a different story that's kinda long can't get into it just yet but yea that's what i see.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my issue. It was helpful.
I realize im not a terrible person but my mind seems to play games with me.
May I ask how you feel your mind is playing games with you?
Its just that I may have been unhappy but to break up a marriage to a good man is just not right. We had nothing in common but when u marry u make a promise to stay together. We have a beautiful 16 year old daughter who lives with him.
It is a mother's duty to give her child the best life I can. I should never have put myself first
Its not like I was abused in any way by my
Husband we just drifted further and further apart over the years and neither one of us cared
Enough to do anything about it.
We were always terrible at communication. Avoid avoid avoid
I can understand that. But that doesn't mean you can't make a change and put your daughter first now. (if you haven't already) The other thing is it wasn't just your fault. Since both of you didn't really put anything into the communication, part of the blame rests on him as well. So I would consider that.
May I ask, are you religious at all?
I ask as having let down a higher power, like God, could be adding to your pain.
From the sound of things, your marriage wasn't the greatest, and feeling bad about it is very harsh. It may seem a bit defeatist, but in this big wide world of war, death and all that, you leaving your husband isn't terrible. No-one is left homeless, parent-less, hungry each night; life goes on.jjjg2