I don't know what to believe
My partner is an alcoholic, one person when he is sober another when drunk. He has said some horrible things to me when he is drunk. I don't know if to believe them or not. Do drunks tell the truth? I know he lies at times when he's drunk because he will say one thing when drunk, then the story changes when he is sober.
He has told me he loves me but doesn't want me (this when drunk). He told me at new years he wanted to separate( drunk again), things were awkward for a few weeks then he started talking to me again. Things have been up and down, when he was sober he talks to me and then when he was drunk he would say he didn't want me again and things along those lines, but nothing about separating again.
So I don't know what to believe, did he say he doesn't want me any more to hurt me or does he mean it? I have found out recently that he is attracted to 18 year olds (we are in our 40's), likes to have a perv etc and he goes on teen porn sites. This upset me a bit because I can't compete with 18 year old bodies. He got mad at me for being upset about it , but he doesn't understand or not care how this makes feel me.
He says that him looking at young girls is no different from me looking at a football player and thinking I would like a piece of that. I have been with him when he has blatantly stares at girls, again he doesn't understand why I have a problem with this.
We have had sex once since he first told me he didn't want me anymore. It's just hard not knowing what to believe.
If you can state that your partner is one person sober and another when drunk, then you are basically dealing with someone where alcohol effects them in such a way that the real person comes to the fore when they have been drinking excessively. I'm sorry, but alcohol doesn't lie and if your partner's behavior changes for the worst when he's been drinking, then you have your answer as to what to believe.
Furthermore, whether your partner drinks or not, his actions and his attitude regarding porn tells you just how much respect he has for you. Porn is ok in a relationship but it needs to be mutual and a shared interest by both parties.
Regardless, if your partner is an alcoholic then he has a long hard road called recovery if he ever reaches rock bottom and you will either need to make a decision as to whether you want or need to remain with him. Alcohol damages those who abuse it, but it's the ones closest to these people who suffer the most and this is what you are experiencing now.
The choice is yours as to whether to stay with your partner and remain miserable and uncertain or to make a clean break and find someone who respects you and returns to you what you would expect from a loving relationship. Your partner may choose to sober up if you give him an ultimatum, but you need to realize that if he really has the need to (sober up), he'll do it whether you're with him or not.
In the meantime, consider your options and choose what's best for you because your partner has an addiction which destroys all normalcy of any realtionship.
No different from you looking lustfully at football players? What - on the footie fields of primary schools? [rolls eyes sarcastically]
I agree drunks don't lie. But what they can be revealing, truth-wise, is that they feel like hurting you and/or ultimately hurting themselves merely through you (think about it).
Agree without reservation on all the rest of Manalone's post, though, and suggest you read it again and again until it sinks in on the emotional level. I mean, Yetti, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING dedicating your one, precious life to someone with a serious alcohol problem- sorry, someone with that many issues (including borderline paedophilia) as ADDITIONALLY expresses through alcohol abuse? Is this what you always pictured when you were a little girl?
Think of yourself as a full-grown horse and him a horserider. Your (bleugh) fully-grown, middle-aged husband obviously prefers foals and Shetland ponies. What does that say about him? Answer: that you're too much woman for him and that he can't handle women. Just little girls. Ones more his own age! :-p
Don't even BOTHER about what puke comes out of his mouth when the inhibitions door gets lubricated open. Just his actions are enough. SURELY!?
Trying to make sense with an alcoholic is trying to make sense of someone who is out of his mind. You simply cannot do it because they are not rational. Do yourself (and him) a favor. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not deal with his sick actions and behavior. If you care for him, offer to go to counseling, AA, Al Anon, etc. to help him overcome his addiction. Then do it....But, understand that the problems lies with his addiction and understand as long as the addiction is controlling him you will never-ever have a healthy relationship with him. He can change. He can learn to control his addiction....But you cannot!! Please please please for your own mental health get out of this relationship the way it stands today. If he will not accept help....then run, not walk, away. He must choose what path he wishes to follow...and you must choose your own. No blaming the other person in this relationship. You both know what you are doing and what must be done!