Is this fair in my relationship ???
So a few years ago I had signed up at a gym got 3 free visits with a trainer who helped me stretch by pushing my ankle to see my how flexible I am and asset he was a ( Male ) The end.
Recently I started going to a gym again and my boyfriend brought up how he was not ok with me having a male trainer ever again. He said it would have to be a female for me because he was not comfortable with a males hands on me.
Today I found out that when he gets his hair cut at playboys hair salon the girls massage the guys neck with lotion.
SO the question at hand is do you think this is a double standard? I mean the hair cut girls are JUST doing their job but wasn't the trainer also JUST doing his job? I am really sick of sh*t like this. A jobs a job right but does it make it fair that he is getting a neck lotion massage when a male trainer hand cant even be on my ankle. Thanks for reading.
Ok...so who is your bf to tell you that you can't have a male trainer..yet he can have girls massage his neck with lotion when he gets his hair cut?! Wow talk about a double standard.You need to tell him that he doesn't have any right to tell you whom can be your trainer.He has let you know how he feels BUT YOU still have the right to choose whom you want to train you..PERIOD. He doesn't have a right to dictate anything about your life,your choices...
I say that he either gets with the program or you need to think about ending the relationship...he sounds way controlling to me.Good luck.
Thank you for your reply. He is saying its not about the hands on just. Also the fact that it is very common for women to cheat on their men with their personal trainer and he say's I wouldn't like if he had a girl trainer. He said if I ever had a guy trainer he wont be a part of the relationship. He also claims the neck massage is short doesn't even last a minute even and is standard procedure with any man getting his neck shaved with a straight razor. I said what if it was a guy barber would he still do that similar neck massage and he said yes. This salon is made for guys just like a lady janes if you know. He is saying the hot towel and massage makes the neck hairs easy or stand up to get blah fucking blah.
Breaking it down as I see it:
A) A male personal trainer should rarely if ever need to touch you, except maybe balancing elbows for dumb-bell presses etc anything too hands on, you need to warn them to stop.
B) Your boyfriend is insecure about himself compared to what he imagines a personal trainer to be (probably pictures some lothario with the looks of a greek god and the charm of Don Juan DeMarco)
C) The cheating with a personal trainer thing is pure fantasy, yes you do get some sleazy ones but most aren't, plus I;m sure you possess some level of self control.
D) There is no need for any sort of massage during a haircut, except maybe a scalp massage... he wouldn't let a guys hairy hands massage his neck, that's just nonesense to try and look impartial.
E)Where is the insecurty coming from, is it from his own mind or from something you've done/do?
These are just observations and my opinion, not really advice, but hopefully it helps somehow.
On a side note, how was he pushing your ankles? You can assess flexibility easily by using a wall or high platform without the need for physical contact.
You know This was 3 years ago with the trainer so I don't exactly remember because it was so insignificant to me but I think it was just part of the assessment to find out where I was physically. I agree with you though and I also can admit I wouldn't like a females trainer hands on him. He is claiming it is more than just the hand. That it is the whole thing in general. I do know just recently he hs got a personal trainer because when we were broken up he found out how to look at pictures I liked and he said it was all muscle guys with their shirts off. Personally One of the ones I liked was of a guy I know that I am not even attracted to like that atttttttt all. THE REASON I liked the picture was because it was a spilt picture. Before and after of working out. I was just commending on the progress. The second picture was a guy that I know from when I was little that used to be superrrr fat. Again I am no way attracted to him at all but now he is skinny and in fit. So maybe from that BUTTTT .......
I agreed about 1 or 2 weeks ago that I wouldn't get a male trainer even though I felt kind of funny about the request. I still agreed. Then yesterday come to find out my gf that has cut his hair and works at the place where he gets his hair cut was talking to me while we were working out about her clients that she cuts and brought up about how she was giving a guy a neck massage. Later when I talked to my bf and I was very pissed I said has she giving you a neck massage and he said every time he goes in they all do to all the guys. Needless to say I am def not happy about no god da*n massage. Thank you for writing back.
You're having a previously unresolved power struggle issue.
Female point of view: EQUALITY, no dual standards, I am NOT a second class citizen in this here little society of two.
Male point of view: Men can 'take' a woman who has neutral feelings for him and warm her up to the point where she falls for him. It's called wooing and it's not always direct or over the table. I trust you but I don't trust other men and their intentions and powers to effect.
This - what constitutes fairness, all things considered, including gender-based supply & demand (needs) - is on the negotiations table between you. If you can't agree in terms of one decision vetoes another, you have to go halvesies or takesie-turnsies (if you get this, I get that).
Since the issue from both sides is the same, it's the Halvesies Solution:
You: change your personal trainer to a female. After all, surely exercise is the point?
Him: change your barber or always ask for the male and (you won't die -) either suck up your irrational homophobic fears or simply forego the massive bit ("Not today, thanks") and instead get the massage when you get home (in exchange for unloading the dishwasher, LOL).
Result: equal abiding of society-wide law, everyone happy.
And then find another issue to argue over, LOL.
Everyone gets controlling when they're scared. It's about the DEGREE of controlling (e.g. how heavy and/or how widespread through the entire relationship it is) which determines whether one "is" controlling or not.
I absolutely agree I don't need a male trainer at all. Excercise is the point you are exactly right. Currently I go to the gym and do not have any trainer. I am just so thrown off by the fact that why does he ask so much of me but does stuff like that and thinks its ok....
Do you think in a simple answer that it is fair what he is doing or acceptable to ask so much of me when he is having all his cake?
Simple answer: NnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnOPE!
But he may not realise he's doing it - most don't - or appreciate that you have the exact same feelings about some woman touching him inappropriately as he does some bloke touching you inappropriately - most don't. Some people buy into the idea that there's this huge chasm between male and female psychology whereas in actual fact, the feelings are the same, it's how they both are compelled and trained to DEAL with it that differs.
Define 'inappropriately'. Well, it's whatever YOU TWO want or need it to mean. Who gives a beep for what anyone else thinks about it, they're not living your relationship, are they.
Hey, listen, this isn't a BAD thing to be fighting over (or for) because look at what it actually is: you two both treating your relationship like a priceloess, still-delicate flower that needs a little white picket fence around it with a notice that reads, Keep Off The Flower. And prevention's always better than cure, isn't it.
Trust me, you'd have far bigger problems if neither of you gave a damn who touched who and where.
But, nope, it's not manifesting as fair *at this young stage of the negotiations exercise*.