My partner and I have been together a year and recently moved in together. Whilst unpacking I gound an old love letter...which was from his female best friend (whom he had never told me he'd been involved with). As she is married with a child and he's friends with her husband too I never quesioned the fact that they are extremely close.
When I asked him about it, he admitted they had an affair years ago but that her husband was ok with it. Something about needing to get somethings out of her system before starting a family.
Now I'm feeling confused and a little betrayed. He never told me about any of this and Ive been spending time with these people, bonding with them...only to have this big secret dumped on me. I now can't help but be suspicious of how close he is to her, that she says "love you" often and makes innuendo jokes. She is his BEST friend, I can't ask him to give her up. Am I being unreasonably paranoid? Am I over reacting? I just have so many questions and can't even bring myself to talk about it without getting upset. What should I do?
Hi BEEPEE, you are not paranoid and I suggest you deal with this straight away. I was in a similar situation where my fiance (now husband) was very close to a colleague. I found out about their affair 7 months into our marriage. What I kick myself for most is not bringing up the doubts and suspicions when I should have.
She may be your partner's best friend or oldest friend, but you come first. So do do do tell him about your thoughts and how uncomfortable you are with the love you's and jokes. It's best to do it now. I know I avoided it coz I was afraid of what I would hear. It's normal and natural to feel upset - it's a breach on the trust you have. Don't be afraid of appearing paranoid, clingy,possessive or whatever. The important thing is to express what you're feeling and thinking, and see what his response is. And trust your instinct - if he's lying you'll know.
This is just my personal opinion but maybe you can try and get him to cut back on the time he spends with her and the info he shares.it is a bit different than if his best friend was a guy and the history between them just means you need to be alert. Yes she may have been in his life first but don't give that more importance than you. This woman also quite possibly resents the fact that you're in his life in the first place. I'd say this is one situation where you need to throw the over rational thinking and being nice out the window.