I'm a Wall
Hello,I've been married to my wife for almost a year and we keep having the same issue I am in able to communicate with her when we are in a argument. I never am able to tell her what I feel, I lock up and get stuck going in circles in my head. I'm not sure what to do? I feel bad that I do this and want to change and I try but one way or another we end up right back where we started.
Explain to her that you're crap at arguing under fire which means you say the wrong thing in the wrong way, etc., which just makes things unnecessarily harder and drawn-out for both of you, and in future want to try arguing by email instead (separate rooms) THE MINUTE one of you starts to feel upset or can tell the other's getting upset. Then, once you've both finished corresponding, you can have a calm, sit-down debrief. Tip: when you do, hold and stroke hands (all four), sitting not quite facing each other (sofa is best) and DON'T let go, not even for a second - even if one of you hears something that seems affronting or unacceptable. It's like trying to cry when you're eating - very difficult.
But why are you so scared of arguments? What do you think's going to happen?
Im not even sure whats going to happen. I get caught up thinking that what I feel won't be conveyed or will get turned around. Its like when were in an argumentwhen she is talking( doesn't have to necessarily be yelling) I get this pit in my stomach and it feels like I can't speak or breathe. I've tried explaining to her how I feel but I can't make her understand she's naturally social and I'm more introverted. We have tried the messages back and forth, she doesn't like it but we haven't tried the debrief with it.
The debrief is the most important part. If something is upsetting either one of you, you need to talk calmly about it. My hubby and I learned how to argue by talking about our arguments and why we reacted like we did. It may be that if you're mad you need to separate from each other for 5 minutes just to work out what exactly is upsetting you. I also recommend you both agree to never use words like never for always example: "you never do this, you're always doing that". These often feel unfair and you miss the point being made because it puts you on the defensive. Definitely talk to her when you're not cross at each other and I feel physical touch is important too, hugging someone while you're discussing the feeling that created the upset is very helpful. And let's face it, most arguments come from someone feeling negative because of something their partner is or isn't doing.
Okay, then, tell her in an email (now) how you feel whenever you two are about to argue, and propose messaging again followed by in-person debrief. These are your arguments, too, so you do get a say about what medium they're conducted over. So if she doesn't have a problem with typing generally, but you have a problem with verbal confrontations when it's her specifically, it's fair that the playing field should be level on both sides. You could then yell "email time!" as your codeword whenever a conversation starts to feel ominous.
Bear in mind, though, to take care not to be too brief and succinct in your mails. It annoys women when they rattle off 10 lines and the bloke comes back with just the one.
In fact, pretty much everything annoys women, actually (LOL, joke! - no rotten tomatoes, please!)
I think your trouble is, seeing any argument as your one and only chance to say how you feel or what you've decided, whereas it's not.
Violette has a good point re not using never/always. It should be "I feel like you don't blah when I blah". Far easier said than done at the time, though. But this is where email can be a good thing (particularly if you use emoticons to clarify anything that could even remotely come over as potentially iffy-sounding) because it slows everything down, gives you both time to think and be more tactful and diplomatic than you might otherwise be in person.
Another possibility is over your mobiles (again, separate rooms...obviously, duh!).
Alternatively, because my husband is apt to panic, same as you, I prefer to broach difficult topics right after sex during our post coital ciggies or choccie fest. In fact, thinking about it, so does he tend to initiate talks more at this time lately (he's obviously cottoned on).
Those female Cold War Russian spies knew a thing or two, eh.
(Hormones, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.)